New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

Leave a comment

Sweet disposition

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights
Our wrongs

Sweet disposition, Temper Trap


It’s burning bright

The fire you ignite inside me

Our breaths… its fuel

Our whispers…the kindle

Our movements…the heat


Where I begin, you end

In the middle,

Our dreams

Our tears

Our laughter


We dance in the light of the moon

We crawl in the gutters of the shadows

We walk when it rains

We run when sunbeams play


This is life with you

Sweet disposition

Absolute, true, unpredictable, love







Leave a comment


I had such a bad day at work today. I just started a new job and already I wonder if this new challenge is for me. It’s not so much the work as the isolation. I had many many dear colleagues where I worked before. I miss talking to them and just being myself.

I feel lonely too. Really lonely. It takes it’s toll on me. So I look for encouragement. From my friends, never my family as I can’t let them know I’m going through so much right now.


So, feeling really low I reach out to him and this is what he says.He has the ability to make me feel like someone again. To make me feel wanted and beautiful and without a doubt, hopeful that someone else could one day see me this way. These are his words. I write them here so I’ll never forget them and I can look back here and read them again and again when life makes me feel worthless, unwanted and sad.

You are the most sensitive , caring, beautiful person I know. Over time I got to know you and love you and respect every fibre of your essence. I don’t have all the answers but in you I see the one thing you can’t. How beautiful your nature is. Your intelligence, your understanding. How you have loved, lost, cried, beaten yourself up. But how you’ve shown stamina & caring. You don’t have to torture yourself anymore. You struggle with your existence. Missing out on your Mum and Dad. Seeking perfection is not an option. But let me tell you this. You are the most dynamic and most beautiful of all I’ve ever met. My friendship is set in stone”

Thank you my friend. Thank you. You don’t know how much I need to know this and how much I need to start believing again. I need to pull myself from this pit. I have seen what hurt and regret and pain can do to a person. I don’t want to be like that. I want my soul to be well again.



Leave a comment

No Doubt

My thoughts are random, unpredictable and ever present. I’m a thinker. It never stops. I want to stop thinking. I want to have no doubt. Doubt is toxic. It’s more convincing than any other emotion. I want to eradicate it from my life. Therefore I’ll focus on the things I’m certain of. I’m only certain of that which is mine.




no doubt.jpg

When you’re close, it’s easy to see

How much you mean to me

When you’re far, I’m not sure how to act

And thoughts begin to fill my head

I write them down, I pour them out

You read them and you start to doubt

Don’t read the bad and think it’s so

I’m only letting my doubts go


One so dear, so close to me

So close, you might not see

How much you mean to me


For in the end, I have no doubts

You are my soulmate, inside out







1 Comment

Silver lining

“I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”

“I…have a woman in my arms who has suffered greatly and desperately needs to believe once again that she is beautiful.”

Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

I recently bought and watched the movie Silver linings Playbook. It is one of my favourite movies. I find it really funny which might be a bit strange. My Mum always said that life is one big joke to me. You see, I laugh a lot. I laugh when something is funny (as we all do), but I also laugh when people get hurt, like bump their toe, or fall down. I also laugh when I get hurt. When I’m in a lot of physical pain, I laugh. When I’m uncomfortable, which normally makes it more uncomfortable, I laugh. So, yes, I laugh a lot to cope with things, hence why my Mum thinks I find life a big joke.

The main characters in the movie (book) are really troubled people. The male main character suffers from bipolar which is no laughing matter. The female main character lost her husband and coped with his death by leading a somewhat promiscuous life involving plenty of her work colleagues, which does end up getting her fired from her job. I do identify with her in some ways as I became somewhat like her when I realised that my second marriage was heading towards failure too. I have sexually experimented more this past year than ever before in my life. I think it gets to me sometimes as I used to be a bit of a prude. But like the female lead states; “There will also be a part of me that’s dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of me”. And this is true. Even though I go through many lows of questioning what the meaning of it all is and why I’m doing what I’m doing, I don’t regret it for a minute. I’m living, even when I feel down, I’m living. experiencing, feeling, finding.

There is always a silver lining. I find mine in many  things and especially people, when I go through the lows. I need to learn how to hold onto these. A close friend recently told me something that I think might keep me smiling for months if not years to come. He told me that he loved me. It’s not the way he said it, it’s the why he said it – he backed it up. Saying I love you means nothing if you can’t back it up with a reason. You don’t just love, you come to love. Falling in love is the journey towards the real thing. Sometimes you don’t even fall in love; you come to love without realising, without the butterflies and fairy tale notions. Love takes its time, it’s patient. These words are the most meaningful I’ve heard in a long time “Then, by chance, I came to adore every aspect that is you”  and they were said to me, for me. My silver lining for now. Knowing that I can be loved, for who I am, every aspect of me. The good, the bad, the really bad, the sloppy and dirty parts of me.


Leave a comment



She holds her face between her hands

She looks at her

She loves her


I want him

He doesn’t want you

I need him

He doesn’t need you

It’s hurting so much

I know

What did I do?


Why is this happening?

Who knows…it’s life

He does not love me

I know

Why doesn’t he love me?

You will never know

How long will it hurt?

As long as you let it


It’s because you gave it your all

You hid nothing

Him, hidden like muddy water

Disturbed by the many feet scraping the bottom


He doesn’t want to talk about it

it isn’t love


He doesn’t let me in

it isn’t love

He hides me from others

it isn’t love

He doesn’t acknowledge me in his life

it isn’t love


What can I do?

Forget, forgive, live


Leave a comment



Fall down, get up

Fall down, stay down

Look at the world from down there

Can you see it?

The deceit, the lies, the empty words

Only when you down, then you see

The longer you stay down

The less you believe…the one that once believed so much

Let me lie down in your arms

Let me lie down under the covers

Let me lie beneath you so I can see you from down there

Let me lie to myself

I fell, I’m falling, I have fallen


Leave a comment


Today I really miss my parents. I left them behind. In a crime invested country to fend for themselves in their old age.

My dad works hard. Every day. Maybe not Sundays, but every day. Physical manual labour. He will never have the luxury of retirement. He has no nest egg. Bad decisions in his life cost him that a long time ago. After he lost all his money we moved from house to house. Seven times. Seven houses. He lost everything including his pride. His only child having to support him for months. He built himself back up again, only to lose it all again. At this point I had moved half way around the globe so that I at least, could live a better, safer life in a foreign country. He needs two operations which he can not afford. I can’t help him. My hands are tied. That feeling of helplessness, I wish it on no-one. It’s the worst feeling in the world when there is nothing you can do. Nothing. The word that is so deeply entwined with my life, my name means nothing.

My mum. She is always strong. Even when everything is falling apart around her, she stays strong. She is a fighter. She refuses to give up. She doesn’t know what the word negativity means. She will never stop trying. We have a bond. We have struggled to co-exist throughout my teenage and young adult years. My gentle nature, her feisty nature. Always head to head. But when I needed her, really needed her, she was there. Fighting my corner like a lioness defending her cubs. If she read this blog she would probably give me a hiding for being so fucking weak.

These people shaped me. Their unconditional love taught me how to love and respect. I have been living away from them for 12 years now. Maybe this is why I’ve lost my way. I have lost my foundation. The one they helped me build for many many years. It started crumbling the day I got on that plane to fly away, forever. I can never go back. That life is over, but how I miss them. With every fibre in my body, I miss them so. When I cry for them, it shakes me to the core.

Is this the price I pay for abandoning the only two people that truly cares for me? I pay the price of isolation. Of losing my identity, my foundation, my principles, my values.


Leave a comment



I can still dream

I dream of warm arms

Wrapped around my body

Eyes that look lovingly upon my face

A heart that cares for mine

Like a gentle warm summers day

We laugh, we walk, we live

There is companionship

There is happiness

There are bad times; we face them together


But my whole being says

You had this; you squandered it

You can’t have that again

It’s not for you


You  only get so many chances

You used them all

You have the world in your head

Live in there, pretend out there





Leave a comment


I have great people in my life. I really do. I couldn’t ask for more loyal friends that tries to help me or a more loving family.  They try to understand why I am the way I am. They tell me to pick myself up. Do it for your child, do it for you. You are strong. You can do this. You will get through this. You will get better. This might all be very true, but I’m hurting. Hurt; maybe that word has lost it’s meaning. Maybe pain? Does that work better? I don’t think so. Does swearing help? I’m in fucking agony? I don’t think so. There are no words to explain how I feel. There is not one single person on this planet that knows, accept me.

Yes, I might seem wrapped up in myself..selfish, me, me me. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and find a reason not to end it all.

I have to sit and keep my shit together when I’m suddenly overwhelmed out of nowhere with feelings that eats me like maggots from the inside out. Crawling under my skin. Eating flesh that is dead, yet still alive. Flesh that feels, but not sustain.

Feelings of shame. Of self loathing. Of disappointment in myself for allowing people to treat me the way they do. Feelings of insufficiency. Feelings of not being enough for anyone. Feelings of being an incompetent participant in the game show of life.

I am at a loss for words. Please don’t ask me to explain. Rather hold me. Breath next to me. Sit with me. Look at me and see me for what I am and then decide if you want to remain or go. Don’t tell me. Just leave or stay. I don’t want your money, your love, your time if it’s not given unconditionally. Don’t waste words on me.

There is nothing to explain.

Leave a comment

I am



Who am I?

What am I?

Am I a body?

Am I a personality?


I’m not too much trouble

I’m easy to talk to

I’m the one that understands

I do, expecting nothing in return

I don’t think about what I want or need

I wake up and it’s too late



I’m invisible

I’m transparent, like the wings of a dragonfly


I am more than the sum of my parts