How little did I understand. Did I really forget so easily? How simple it is to be happy? From within, with myself. Wonderful, Beautiful, Gorgeous
That is me and nothing and nobody can change that – should be allowed to change it.
It’s been said so many times, but it’s true. The secret is to find that happy inside. Others compliment and enrich my life, but I am back in control. No longer out of control. No longer outside, looking in, shaking my head.
I had a very emotional counseling session a week ago. Not because I had to relive the hurt and pain. No, because I remembered what I used to be like, felt like. The innocence. The naive sweet dreams I had. The trusting smiling young girl. Innocence that was lost, in one moment. I lingered here. Crying. Crying once again. Then she said, you are brave. And I realised – I am. Damn straight I am! I’m a fighter for goodness sake!!
I have no doubt that life will keep challenging me. I wouldn’t expect anything less. But I’m ready. I’m standing on my own two feet. No longer seeking others to depend on, to trust, to keep standing. And yes, I will need my friends, and I will seek their comfort; for true friendship is a rare and beautiful thing. True acceptance of another human being is a gift. I love my close friends. They are a part of me as much as my family is. They know me inside out. They accept me. My darkness and madness. They cherish me for my kindness, loyalty and honesty. I treasure them for their inner beauty and uniqueness, for making me smile, for enriching my life.
Highly sensitive to initial
Chrysalis requires dark
Without darkness, no wings
Chaos is the butterfly (effect)
Chaos makes me fly
No random events required
No way of calculating
He breathes life into me
Hot, fiery breath
I’m consumed by the flames
I love the burning, I want to burn
Desire takes control
I’m weak, no resistance
I go to a place of pleasure
Fireworks go off in my head
My body shudders
This is ecstasy
I try to draw him closer
He is only hot air
He has no heart
I try to reason with him
He has no mind
He is but an empty husk
The fire burns my soul now
It’s burning me away
My heart turns to ash
I have no heart left
I become a fire breather
You charm, you disarm
Everyone thinks you’re so kind
I fall under your spell
It’s the gateway to hell
I care, I even love
I lay myself bare
I give you my body, I open my mind
You say it’s not enough
I give you my heart
You say it’s a waste of my time
I try to leave, I’m in too deep
You show me just enough kindness
I hold onto the little bit of goodness
You refuse to believe
Instead you retreat
You recoil; you lift my hand from your body
Like it’s dirty
You refuse to kiss me, I even beg
You behave like a pig
I still love you
I have wondered many many many times what love is. What is it really? How do you know you love, truly love, someone.
I found the answer in my daughter. You see, I’m very certain, with her more than any other person, that I love her. I look back and try to see how this love came about.
First, there was the bond or connection. It wasn’t love it was a bond. A child / mother bond. Seeing this little helpless baby, so dependent on you, you start to care. I cared about her needs. I fulfilled her needs. Then she started becoming more dependent. First walking, then running! I had to give her room to explore and discover things for herself. She then developed her own thoughts and her own mind. She started making choices. I guided, but never forced. I explained or let her see the consequences of actions. Be it good actions or bad. I made sure she understood respect from a young age. I built foundations for her. Foundations she can turn to when I’m not around. I taught her about courage when faced with difficult situations. I support her. I don’t know at which point I loved her, but it wasn’t something I had to think about. I just know.
Therefore, love is to me:
A sense of being needed
A place where there is space for yourself to be yourself
An emotion built on strong foundations of respect & trust
A gift of unconditional support
A feeling that grows over time, without working at it, or trying to create it.
Love happens slowly. Lust happens fast.
Once you truly love someone, it’s almost impossible to stop.
stand up and face
the jolt in your stomach
pushing up in your chest
when a fear becomes reality
it’s not a dream
it’s not a thought
it’s no longer a fear
How do you react?
is there a right or wrong way?
where do you hide your fear?
do you speak your fear?
my fears ruled me
for a very long time
fear is a liar
you appear when there’s light
only an outline
of a man
nothing inside the lines
you think outside the lines
hand held up to the sun
you hide behind
forgotten but attached
at night you can’t be seen
you convince her
but you’re observing
for the light
Woke up to the beautiful sound of rain this morning. Heavy rain. I looked outside and the day is grey and white. I love rainy days!
I went on a second date last night. How refreshing to be in the presence of a gentleman. To be called a lady. It’s amazing how when a woman is treated right, her most beautiful side starts to come out.
I feel light today and looking forward to work this week. I’m starting to love my work and what I do again. I can feel the stirrings of passion for my life returning. I’m starting to love this sense of independence and clarity of thought. I don’t want to rush into things. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past. Most of all, I want my daughter to continue growing into the beautiful young girl she is becoming. She is the most important life in my world.
It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.
Why do people hurt each other? Why do two people who once were as close as can be, all of a sudden say the nastiest things under the sun to each other? Why do I get caught up in an argument that has no point to it but opening old wounds or totally nullifying the connection there once was?
Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus. It’s totally true. Men don’t always understand how emotional woman can be. Let’s face it. A woman feels in every situation. She attaches emotion to everything. Yes, I guess there are women who can be cold and heartless and use men for their one selfish needs, but I’m most definitely not one of them. I wonder if it will help to say to a man that when most, normal, caring, women, sleeps with you (not a one night stand), she feels something. For me it’s NEVER about physical gratification. I mean, let’s be honest. The female orgasm is not a given like the male orgasm, so surely it’s a given that sex for a woman isn’t about the orgasm.
Why would a man not believe you when you tell him you love him? Why would a man say things like, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll never leave you, this is not just sex to me, I’m not using you. And then one day, they change their mind. In an instant. I’ll never understand this. And the best is, the way they remember it from that point onward is that you KNEW. Surely you knew how it would end. Does anybody know how things will end? How anything will end?
This is not a sob story. This is my thoughts and the things I wonder about, because it caused me pain, and frankly, I don’t want to be hurt like that again. So I’ve come up with some solutions from the mistakes I’ve made and how to avoid the pitfalls of love.
- Hope. It’s probably the best and worse thing. Never put your “hopes” on a person or “hope” that someone will change or come round. People don’t change. Not really. Actions change. People rarely do.
- Don’t be afraid to stick to your standards and morals even if you convince yourself that you’re not doing it because you don’t want to lose somebody. Casual sex is not in my nature. Yes, I’ve had one night stands. It happens. I’m not going to punish myself for it and I know it’s not who I am.
- When someone calls you things that you know you’re not, don’t respond. Don’t defend yourself. It’s not going to change anything. Rather, believe them and accept that this is what they always thought of you and nothing you can say in defense will change their minds. The worst thing is, you might say something back which is even nastier and if like me, you have a conscience and you’re not vindictive, it will eat away at you. No, just move one. People that thinks and brings out the worst in you, don’t belong in your life.
- Don’t lend money to someone you’re in love with. I hate money. Unfortunately we all need it to survive. I will suffer and even give my last penny to a friend in need and they’ll never realise the sacrifices I make to do that. It’s difficult going against your nature, but I’ve learned that a grown ass man, should be able to look after himself and not take money from a woman. End of.
- Never confuse words with actions or actions with words. If the two don’t agree, then there is something wrong. Trust me. A man can say one thing and do the complete opposite. And to justify this, you are most likely to be blamed for it if it goes tits up. You see, us woman are so good at influencing men. We can literally make them do things they don’t really want to do. Yeah right. That sounds more like a man that can’t stick to his words. Falling around and causing chaos. Don’t get caught up in the confused man’s chaos.
- When you’ve been hurt be kind to yourself. I’ve been told to get over it. Get over yourself. And the worst thing is, I take it on-board and think I’m failing at dealing with this. I’m failing. But no. We are all different. We all deal with the shit in our lives differently. Rather, be kind to yourself. Feel the pain, let it out. Heal at your own pace however long it takes and know that it’s perfectly okay for you to feel emotions of hurt, anger and frustration. You are not unstable. You are a human being and on the other side of the healing process is a stronger, happier, wiser you! 🙂
Soft pale moonlight
Filtering through my window
I stare at the black and grey
I get up and make my way to a familiar place
I find it without trying, so well I know it
Soft white, dark black contrast
My mind doesn’t think
My fingers know
I play with the moon shining on my back
Nothing brings more joy to my soul
Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky
Clair de lune by moonlight
Eternal night I wish for
To play and never stop
This way my soul forever content
My thoughts forever at peace