New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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Happy on the inside

Sad on the inside

Controlled sad

Not consuming me

Not emotionally debilitating.



Artificially for now


Ripped apart connection

Another scar to live with


Controlled sadness aches

A dull ache in the centre

of my being

A cure there is not

Only a control


The controlled sense of loss

The logic to recognise that

What’s been lost through this degree of hurt

Can never be recovered again


Controlled I live






Isn’t it sad how judgemental the world has become. I think it’s an easy trap for anyone to fall into, but when I find myself thinking judging thoughts, I recognise it and STOP. By judging thoughts I mean judging people you don’t know. Trying to rectify the behaviour, psyche, outfit, choice of hairstyle, choice of lifestyle and plenty more of people you don’t know, with your thoughts, even your words if you’re not alone.

I find that I tend to judge because I compare myself to others. This is never a good thing. Comparing your own unique self to anybody else, but it’s a human flaw; one we all suffer from at some point of our lives or sometimes even permanently. It’s a sign of insecurity and lack of self love.

There were several points in my life where I didn’t have any love for myself at all. When I felt like nothing, because of others. This will result in either a blame mentality or a victim mentality. I never made myself feel like nothing. I didn’t do anything to cause this…or did I? That is the key really. To have such a strong love and respect for yourself that nobody has the power to make you feel like nothing. Now, I’m not saying there are no victims. I was a victim of rape. And the repercussions of this is great. What I do know is that there are always two sides to a story. There is always a person with more power than the other in an unhealthy relationship – any relationship that is. Not only romantic.

I don’t claim to be wise, but I’ve experienced a lot. What I can say is that trust is a dangerous thing when it’s placed in the hands of the wrong person. So when you allow another to make you feel unimportant, and you have a healthy self love and respect, it’s usually because you trust that person. Completely. Complete trust can blind just as much as love can. Just today a friend sent me a distressed message saying that something really personal and confidential about her was leaked. Due to this, she’s been harshly judged by others. She already doesn’t have a healthy self love and this has devastated her. All because she trusted the wrong person.

In the end, I am my worst critic. I trusted the wrong people on a couple of occasions. The times I did, I got hurt the most. I got burned. That’s life. No getting round it. Lessons learned. Be careful who you trust. And before you judge, love yourself 🙂 and then love the other person too. We are all unique and different and entitled to our breath in this life.  There is no normal. There is no right or wrong (not including criminal law! :)) of living or loving or being yourself.

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Losing you



A person I’ll never see again

A person I’ll never hear again

A person I’ll never hug again

A person I’ll never laugh with again


One I’ll never go exploring with again

One I’ll never experience the new with again

One I’ll try to forget every day

One I’m forced to sever all ties with, again


I didn’t lose him to death

I lost him to life

Would death hurt any less?


Maybe not

This is what losing a friend

Feels like

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Sunday dreams



Today there is a place I long to be


Home with my family

Mum’s cooking

Dad’s stories of childhood

I go outside in search of my canine friend

We play till we’re tired

The lush grass inviting us to rest

My head resting on her tummy

My hand stroking her head

Looking up at the blue sky

Shaping the clouds to my thoughts

Peaceful Sunday

Not a worry in the world

Sunday is the loneliest day of them all






the hidden thoughts

I hide from myself

how do I stop them

from sneaking up?

I cry no more

dry as sand

no way to let it out

therefore I write

I want to forget the truths

hidden amongst the lies

the disgust

hidden behind a meaningful touch

weeding out the bad

remember the reason

i was always sad

why do the good

always outshine the bad?



Out of mind experience

I love poetry.  I love how there are no rules. What goes up doesn’t have to come down. What would normally be considered strange or out of the ordinary, becomes absolutely intriguing through the eyes of the poet.

Sometimes words just jump into my head and I have to write them down. It’s very annoying when this happens while you’re driving and you know the words will never remain till you get home.

Or waking in the middle of the night with words ringing in your head. The remnants of a possible poem. Words never before strung together in such a way.

And sometimes this happens. I have no thoughts, I have no plans to write. I sit down and think tonight I’ll just read. Then I start to type and words flow from my fingers into the keys on my laptop and onto the screen. No thoughts, just words appearing as if they are not a part of me. Words created outside my mind, by my body alone.

It doesn’t happen a lot. I don’t really understand it. I read my words afterwards and they are new to me as well. Am I going out of my mind?



silent piano




I used to play you

every day, every free minute

twenty three years you stood

in my living room

moved fifteen times

never broken

never false

I hear the sound

I see the stains

on your keys

behind closed eyes

how i loved your colours

how i made you sing

forever my amputated fingers

will play in a key of U


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Happiness my old friend!

Where have you been?

So long since I last felt you


I dug a hole and

called it Love!

A created a world and

called it You!

I dug a grave and

marked it Me!


I closed up the holes

and destroyed a world


On an island

A shipwrecked body

Many happy memories

Many bad habits

Countless inner reflections

An infinity of hope

Sails made from happiness

I build my boat


This is how I begin again