New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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A slow start

Woke up to the beautiful sound of rain this morning. Heavy rain. I looked outside and the day is grey and white. I love rainy days!

I went on a second date last night. How refreshing to be in the presence of a gentleman. To be called a lady. It’s amazing how when a woman is treated right, her most beautiful side starts to come out.

I feel light today and looking forward to work this week. I’m starting to love my work and what I do again. I can feel the stirrings of passion for my life returning. I’m starting to love this sense of independence and clarity of thought. I don’t want to rush into things. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past. Most of all, I want my daughter to continue growing into the beautiful young girl she is becoming. She is the most important life in my world.

It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.

 


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Why and How

 

Why do people hurt each other? Why do two people who once were as close as can be, all of a sudden say the nastiest things under the sun to each other? Why do I get caught up in an argument that has no point to it but opening old wounds or totally nullifying the connection there once was?

Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus. It’s totally true. Men don’t always understand how emotional woman can be. Let’s face it. A woman feels in every situation. She attaches emotion to everything.  Yes, I guess there are women who can be cold and heartless and use men for their one selfish needs, but I’m most definitely not one of them. I wonder if it will help to say to a man that when most, normal, caring, women, sleeps with you (not a one night stand), she feels something. For me it’s NEVER about physical gratification. I mean, let’s be honest. The female orgasm is not a given like the male orgasm, so surely it’s a given that sex for a woman isn’t about the orgasm.

Why would a man not believe you when you tell him you love him?  Why would a man say things like, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll never leave you, this is not just sex to me, I’m not using you. And then one day, they change their mind. In an instant. I’ll never understand this. And the best is,  the way they remember it from that point onward is that you KNEW. Surely you knew how it would end. Does anybody know how things will end? How anything will end?

This is not a sob story. This is my thoughts and the things I wonder about, because it caused me pain, and frankly, I don’t want to be hurt like that again. So I’ve come up with some solutions from the mistakes I’ve made and how to avoid the pitfalls of love.

  1. Hope. It’s probably the best and worse thing. Never put your “hopes” on a person or “hope” that someone will change or come round. People don’t change. Not really. Actions change. People rarely do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to stick to your standards and morals even if you convince yourself that you’re not doing it because you don’t want to lose somebody. Casual sex is not in my nature. Yes, I’ve had one night stands. It happens. I’m not going to punish myself for it and I know it’s not who I am.
  3. When someone calls you things that you know you’re not, don’t respond. Don’t defend yourself. It’s not going to change anything. Rather, believe them and accept that this is what they always thought of you and nothing you can say in defense will change their minds. The worst thing is, you might say something back which is even nastier and if like me, you have a conscience and you’re not vindictive, it will eat away at you. No, just move one. People that thinks and brings out the worst in you, don’t belong in your life.
  4. Don’t lend  money to someone you’re in love with. I hate money. Unfortunately we all need it to survive. I will suffer and even give my last penny to a friend in need and they’ll never realise the sacrifices I make to do that. It’s difficult going against your nature, but I’ve learned that a grown ass man, should be able to look after himself and not take money from a woman. End of.
  5. Never confuse words with actions or actions with words. If the two don’t agree, then there is something wrong. Trust me. A man can say one thing and do the complete opposite. And to justify this, you are most likely to be blamed for it if it goes tits up. You see, us woman are so good at influencing men. We can literally make them do things they don’t really want to do. Yeah right. That sounds more like a man that can’t stick to his words. Falling around and causing chaos. Don’t get caught up in the confused man’s chaos.
  6. When you’ve been hurt be kind to yourself. I’ve been told to get over it. Get over yourself. And the worst thing is, I take it on-board and think I’m failing at dealing with this. I’m failing. But no. We are all different. We all deal with the shit in our lives differently. Rather, be kind to yourself. Feel the pain, let it out. Heal at your own pace however long it takes and know that it’s perfectly okay for you to feel emotions of hurt, anger and frustration. You are not unstable. You are a human being and on the other side of the healing process is a stronger, happier, wiser you! 🙂

 


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Clair de Lune

moonlight-piano

 

Soft pale moonlight

Filtering through my window

I stare at the black and grey

I get up and make my way to a familiar place

I find it without trying, so well I know it

Soft white, dark black contrast

My mind doesn’t think

My fingers know

I play with the moon shining on my back

Nothing brings more joy to my soul

Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky

And Debussy

Clair de lune by moonlight

Eternal night I wish for

To play and never stop

This way my soul forever content

My thoughts forever at peace


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Controlled

ripped

Happy on the inside

Sad on the inside

Controlled sad

Not consuming me

Not emotionally debilitating.

 

Controlled;

Artificially for now

 

Ripped apart connection

Another scar to live with

 

Controlled sadness aches

A dull ache in the centre

of my being

A cure there is not

Only a control

 

The controlled sense of loss

The logic to recognise that

What’s been lost through this degree of hurt

Can never be recovered again

 

Controlled I live

 

 

 


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Trust

Isn’t it sad how judgemental the world has become. I think it’s an easy trap for anyone to fall into, but when I find myself thinking judging thoughts, I recognise it and STOP. By judging thoughts I mean judging people you don’t know. Trying to rectify the behaviour, psyche, outfit, choice of hairstyle, choice of lifestyle and plenty more of people you don’t know, with your thoughts, even your words if you’re not alone.

I find that I tend to judge because I compare myself to others. This is never a good thing. Comparing your own unique self to anybody else, but it’s a human flaw; one we all suffer from at some point of our lives or sometimes even permanently. It’s a sign of insecurity and lack of self love.

There were several points in my life where I didn’t have any love for myself at all. When I felt like nothing, because of others. This will result in either a blame mentality or a victim mentality. I never made myself feel like nothing. I didn’t do anything to cause this…or did I? That is the key really. To have such a strong love and respect for yourself that nobody has the power to make you feel like nothing. Now, I’m not saying there are no victims. I was a victim of rape. And the repercussions of this is great. What I do know is that there are always two sides to a story. There is always a person with more power than the other in an unhealthy relationship – any relationship that is. Not only romantic.

I don’t claim to be wise, but I’ve experienced a lot. What I can say is that trust is a dangerous thing when it’s placed in the hands of the wrong person. So when you allow another to make you feel unimportant, and you have a healthy self love and respect, it’s usually because you trust that person. Completely. Complete trust can blind just as much as love can. Just today a friend sent me a distressed message saying that something really personal and confidential about her was leaked. Due to this, she’s been harshly judged by others. She already doesn’t have a healthy self love and this has devastated her. All because she trusted the wrong person.

In the end, I am my worst critic. I trusted the wrong people on a couple of occasions. The times I did, I got hurt the most. I got burned. That’s life. No getting round it. Lessons learned. Be careful who you trust. And before you judge, love yourself 🙂 and then love the other person too. We are all unique and different and entitled to our breath in this life.  There is no normal. There is no right or wrong (not including criminal law! :)) of living or loving or being yourself.


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Losing you

losing-you

 

A person I’ll never see again

A person I’ll never hear again

A person I’ll never hug again

A person I’ll never laugh with again

 

One I’ll never go exploring with again

One I’ll never experience the new with again

One I’ll try to forget every day

One I’m forced to sever all ties with, again

 

I didn’t lose him to death

I lost him to life

Would death hurt any less?

Maybe

Maybe not

This is what losing a friend

Feels like


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Sunday dreams

home

 

Today there is a place I long to be

Home…

Home with my family

Mum’s cooking

Dad’s stories of childhood

I go outside in search of my canine friend

We play till we’re tired

The lush grass inviting us to rest

My head resting on her tummy

My hand stroking her head

Looking up at the blue sky

Shaping the clouds to my thoughts

Peaceful Sunday

Not a worry in the world

Sunday is the loneliest day of them all