New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Pig circus

You charm, you disarm
Everyone thinks you’re so kind
I fall under your spell
It’s the gateway to hell
I care, I even love
I lay myself bare
I give you my body, I open my mind
You say it’s not enough
I give you my heart
You say it’s a waste of my time
I try to leave, I’m in too deep
You show me just enough kindness
I hold onto the little bit of goodness
You refuse to believe
Instead you retreat
You recoil; you lift my hand from your body
Like it’s dirty
You refuse to kiss me, I even beg
You behave like a pig
I still love you


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Dicksand

Last night after a long chat with an old friend and an unexpected call from another in the USA, I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. So, 12 midnight I decided I’ll watch a movie. I’m not usually a fan of silly, unrealistic movies about love and relationships, but decided to watch “How to be single”. Wouldn’t take a lot of brain energy to watch and I was hoping it would make me sleepy and/or I will fall asleep watching it.

It has the usual love & relationship themes that a lot of Hollywood movies deploy and re-explore from different angles, but one thing stuck with me.

SPOILER ALERT – if you want to watch this film, don’t continue reading

One of the messages of the film is that you can lose sight of who you are when you get caught up in love or the illusion of love. This phenomenon is described as “dicksand” in the movie. One girl accuses the other of falling into this guys dicksand whenever he is near and then completely forgetting what she actually wants or needs. She realises that her friend is right when an old boyfriend comes back to her and claims that he misses her. They almost have sex, but he makes the mistake of telling her that he is engaged to be married, but because he misses her, he is not sure what to do.  This prompts her to have a sobering moment and she stops things from progressing as she realises he is only looking for one last f**k. Now this is a good guy. He comes across as that typical good guy and you view his intentions as good. It’s like the movie draws you in to fall into his dicksand too. But then you realise, like she does, that even the best of guys have the potential to act selfishly, especially in the heat of the moment.

I fell into dicksand. Many times this year. A good guy. I trusted him so completely. Then, he had sex with me little more than a week before declaring his undying love and future with another girl. So I think back to this scene in the movie. The only difference, the guy in the movie told the girl he was engaged and she stopped.. My good guy said nothing. I didn’t even know he was looking or involved with anyone else.  Scary…is a relationship that starts like that ever going to work? Well, I guess it depends on the girl and the behaviour she is comfortable accepting. I lost sight of what I want and need. The dicksand got me.

Now, I have been talking to someone for a very long time and even more so recently.  We have become closer and when I admitted my dark thoughts and negativity to him, he didn’t reject me or try to change me, or try to advise me. Something he said to me meant more to me than I ever thought possible. I have never befriended a man that didn’t want to have sex with me. I am a very sexy, sensual woman. Not spoken out of vanity. I just am what I am. When this man said he would rather spend hours talking to me than engage in sex with me, it was one of those KA-CHING moments. To be valued for more than my physical appearance, it means so much to me.

I don’t overthink things anymore. No use. I’m in the now. Living, enjoying, being happy.

This man’s words reminded me of what I’m worth and not to get lost in the dicksand again. I need a man that can see beyond the physical me.

 

 

 

 


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Erotica

I have lived some decades now and there’s a lot about what I want that I don’t understand and what I don’t expect a lover to understand. We all live in our own version of the truth and this is the cause of a lot of miscommunication. Perhaps we sometimes try to communicate one thing, and he reads something else. It’s possible isn’t it? Because isn’t the articulate the killer of the erotic? Isn’t the whole point that you don’t know what your lover will do next? That you give yourself over to a sensory experience that you hadn’t planned and can’t control. The reason I like sex is that I finally, for a moment, can turn off my neurotic mind and just be consumed. If I give my lover permission, yes, no, touch me, not there… don’t I undermine the potency of his desire?  – the affair

erotica

 

I love this quote. If I was articulate enough, this is exactly how I would describe the perfect sexual encounter. And I’ve experienced it this year. I used to think that voicing your needs during intimacy is the way to go, but since I’ve experienced the non verbal experience of being consumed by the moment, I don’t ever want to go back to the verbal form. Like the quote says, there are many things I want that I don’t understand and that I never thought a lover would understand. However, I found that I can let my desire flow through my body and let it communicate exactly what I want. Without understanding.

Yes, I am a sexual creature. My journey with sex started badly. Went uphill for a time and then the drought of ten years. Then I awakened again. I don’t want to be ashamed of my awakening. No, I don’t want to share my body with just anyone either. I am not planning on having a promiscuous lifestyle. I still view the sexual act as sacred in a way. Only because I give so much of myself. I’ve been touched the right way. I’ve experienced heights of pleasure, releasing me from the outside world and giving me a safe place to be. Where I don’t have to hold back or pretend. Where I can just have that sensory experience.

In many ways, I was raised to be ashamed or shy of my sexual needs and desires. I was taught not to talk about it. Not to say what really turns me on. Even writing this post, I feel like I’m revealing too much. But, It’s a part of who I am. My sexual desires and fantasies are very much  a part of me. It doesn’t govern me, but it is part of that primal, instinctive part of me. True attraction can’t be manufactured or created. It’s there, or it’s not. I’ve had many lovers in the past twenty years. Well, probably not that many by today’s standards, but I can honestly say that this year has been an awakening. After twenty years I have finally experienced that which is so perfectly voiced in the above quote. Being consumed by the moment. I don’t regret it. I embrace it. Cherish it.


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Loss

loss

We all experience loss at some stage of our lives
The loss can be sudden, or gradual; both equally distressing and profound in its effect on our life.
The death of a loved one or a pet. The end of a relationship. Relationships can end gradually resulting in days, weeks, months or even years of anxiety, confusion, unhappiness, unhealthy obsession and regret leading up to the ultimate demise of the partnership. One party in a relationship will always feel more loss than the other. This is inevitable in the relationships that are doomed to end. The reason for this is the imbalance of commitment. Only when both parties are equally committed to the relationship, will it stand a chance to last or at least bring joy and happiness to both  involved.
There always seem to be a new relationship around the corner for most, or time can heal, or rebound love or obsessing over something new, often in the form of an addiction. We eat, we drink, we smoke, we shop.
I am angry. I am angry that what I protected and cherished was taken and lost and no amount of time or begging with the powers that be, or crying, or mourning or anger can restore it.
I was saving myself for the right one and because it was taken against my will, I started giving myself away. To the boy that didn’t really care, to the boy that had no self confidence, to the man that denied his identity his whole life. To the men that have no respect for women. To the man that can’t commit. To the man that doesn’t understand his own heart. I’m easy now. I don’t value my sexuality. It  has slowly but surely devalued over time until it has become something I give away without thought or fear of the consequences. There is one I long to give myself to, truly give myself to. Will he appreciate it? Will he truly understand the passion I harbour in my body, soul, mind…
Please, please let me not give in vain anymore. Show me mercy


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The Future

Change

The unknown, the uncertain, the nothing guaranteed, the challenge, the future. Imagine we knew exactly what was going to happen in our future, but because we knew, we couldn’t change it. Someone hands your parent / guardian your future when you’re born; your life certificate. Parents can see what will happen in their child’s life, they can see all the mistakes, hurt, happiness, love, good times and the day their child will die. When a child turns a certain age, they are handed a copy. Everyone knows exactly what will happen to them, but nothing can be done to change any of the outcomes on that future plan. You are stopped from intervening, changing your mind when you know you’re going to be make a bad decision or preventing your final destination; death.  Maybe a good idea for a dystopian science fiction movie, but the reality is, the future is a dark realm that no light can penetrate.

What I do know from past experience is that I will not be exactly the same person tomorrow that I am today. My personality will be the same, but the way I see life and love will be different. My face will look the same, but how I feel about myself will be different. My eyes will be the same, but how I see things will be different. My ears will be the same, but how I listen when people talk to me, will be different. My mouth will be the same, but who I choose to kiss will depend on more than just a need. My skin will still cover my body, but how I let myself be touched will be different. My hands will still be there, but what I use them for will be different. My feet will still be there, but who I choose to run to, or from, will be different. My heart will beat till the day I die, but who I open it to will know what it is to be loved, even if not forever. My mind changes because I’m a female and it will always be that way, but I’m looking forward to the moments when it is well and truly made up. I can’t change my sex, but I can change with whom and why I have sex. The way I love will not change, even if I thought it had. I will always love with my whole being.

My soul will be with me always and will never change.

 


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Just when I think…

I’m OK

No, I’m not. It hurts. It really does. When you get badly hurt, and I mean broken hurt, it’s not easy to see past the hurt. I have good days, or maybe hours, and then it will just hit me. An awful sense of melancholy. Why am I so weak?

My introduction to sex was a traumatic one. It has repercussions.  I never had therapy, in fact I kept it a secret from everyone accept my best friend at the time. I felt too ashamed and I didn’t want anyone to know that I was now damaged goods.  My first boyfriend, a year after I was raped, was a really gentle and kind boy. I thought I would struggle to have sex with him, but in fact, I couldn’t sleep with him quick enough. I already thought that this would be the way to keep him attached to me. After 5 years we got married. Little did I know that unresolved, hidden and denied events can leave scars you don’t know about until your are in the wrong situation, like feeling trapped. On my honeymoon I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t have sex with him. I faked illness and we cut the honeymoon short from a week to only two days. I could literally not breath. I needed to go home.

It  is no surprise that this marriage lasted one year. First divorce. It took about six months for the divorce to go through the courts, in which time I had two affairs. One with a man I worked with, the other with the man I’m married to today. My husband and I had a very sexual start to our relationship and I think it would have ended eventually, but I became pregnant and we decided to get married. Giving natural birth to our child broke me again…in the same place I was broken before. It’s difficult for me to say this, but I used to catch myself looking at her when she was a little baby and thinking, you took my womanhood away. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to ever have sex again. Thankfully, these thoughts toward my child stopped soon after she was born and I love my child more than life itself. I hope she will never have to go through what I have. Every girl dreams about her first time, who it will be, if he will love her, will it hurt?

This is when I became asexual. I had no sex. Simple as that. My husband accepted it and we  both just plodded along. To our friends and family we seemed happy. I think we even thought we were happy. Our child became our distraction and and we poured all our time and energy into her. She will be loved.

Maybe I’m still grieving for my virginity that was taken so wrongfully. Maybe I still mourn for that innocent girl that was violated and denied the joy of sharing her first encounter with a man that really loved her. Will the sadness ever go away. Will I ever feel whole again? Am I good enough to be loved for more than just my sex?

 

 

 

 


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Recovery

Will I ever be the same again?

End of December I went away, alone for a couple of days. I needed to recover. What happened turned my world upside down. I didn’t trust anyone. I wanted to hate and be hated. I said some pretty awful things to my best friend in an attempt to lose everything. I hated myself for being so naive and making myself so vulnerable. I realized that when it comes to men, I have no self-control. I do not think rationally and way too emotionally. To have an emotional tie with someone severed so suddenly and without any closure really messed with my emotions, thoughts and heart. My heart was broken, it still is.I didn’t know how to recover. I didn’t think anything could “fix” me.

I love the seaside so decided to go to the coast. Long walks along the coastline helped, but I still cried. Crying had become a daily thing and sometimes so unexpected. I’d be driving and suddenly I’d just start crying.  A song on the radio would bring tears. My life is a mess. I started thinking that therapy is the only way. I started digging around on the internet. Looking for answers. How to get over an emotional affair. How to recover after a break up. How to spot a liar and how to tell someone is lying to you. This is how I found out about sociopaths. I didn’t even know people like this existed. How can anyone be like that? How do you become like that? This was the first time I started feeling closure. Do I really want to continue thinking about someone that are most probably a sociopath? No! I started feeling better.

What NOT to do

I was feeling better and decided to block, delete and stop contact with all the men I had met along the way. Yes, Mr Rich was still in my life. We had decided to be friends and he is very wise and helped me a couple of times with some really good advice. We are still friends, but only friends. Mr Rocks was also still talking to me on and off. He still wanted to have sex with me again, but I told him I can’t and that I need to sort myself out. He is also married and I decided, no more married men. A good woman does not sleep with a married man. Phone sex guy was also still in the picture, but not for long. I went totally psycho bitch via text and voila, he disappeared. It was good while it lasted. In hindsight, all good things do come to an end. There was one other guy that kept popping up. The threesome guy. Yes, I found a very attractive young man that wanted to have a threesome with me and another older woman. We had sex in Nov and it was…not that good. Ever since he has been trying to hook up again, but I don’t really want to. The only problem is, he has my watch! I love that watch. I want it back. So I’m meeting him on Friday, but NO sex.

Once again, my sexual needs started weighing me down. I was still craving sex. Why oh why??  Why could I not go back to being content with my hobbies and work and family? So, what do I do? 4th of January I decided to go back on the ‘dating’ site. This time however, fake name, with email address to match and a fake location. I was not going to be myself. I only wanted sex. Location turned out to be important! Lots of willing men, but too far away. Lots of sexting, but this didn’t quench my appetite. So after a week and 415 messages from various horny old and young men, with some interesting requests and fetishes I should add,  I called it a day again! Closed my account, blocked various people. What’s next?


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How did I get here?

If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill

Oct 2015 this is when everything changed. I was happily married with no intentions of ever doing anything to jeopardize my marriage, but even the most solid relationships have acidic issues that can slowly erode the pillars that a relationship is built on.  Our biggest pitfall; sex. Yes, the drive that pulled us towards each other and that kept us going for many years, had slowly diminished to the point that once a year became the norm; then once every two years; then the long  drought of three years.

The Switch

The only way I can describe what happened next is ‘The Switch’. In reality it was a tipping point, but irrespective of that, a switch inside me was turned. I was rejected once too many times. My feelings for my husband was turned off, but a need to find and fulfill my needs were turned on. Little did I know that all my actions would have consequences, mostly emotional. I can honestly say that I was an emotionally stable person. I had many hobbies and kept busy all the time. I never had time to sit down for five minutes. I was confident and sure of myself.

Sex

I decided to find like minded individuals that would be interested in pure NSA sex. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just physical gratification, or so I thought. I didn’t even think that I was emotionally deprived as well. How could I? You seldom realize what you’re lacking until it presents itself. I was hardly registered on one of these sites when a man sent me a message saying that we seem to be after the same thing. I viewed his profile and I found him attractive. So began my first affair with ‘Rich’. Mr Rich was just that, well off, very comfortable and ‘happily married’ but craving for passion. We started off emailing at first. I became very well versed in sexting, learning as I was going along. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Typing intimate messages to someone you have never met in real life. We booked a hotel room three weeks in advance and so the anticipation of it all started to build up. It was like a drug and I was high; all the time. It consumed my thoughts, my days, my nights. I started loosing weight. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I would get up at 4 am to chat with him. I would go for long walks so we could chat. I was so caught up in the moment. It was exhilarating and exciting and yes, sexually fulfilling. My husband didn’t know. He was on his phone, playing games or watching a movie or series. I would go upstairs early to be alone and he would think nothing of it. I felt so sexy and wanted. I thrived on it. I was losing weight so started to buy new clothes – sexy clothes and lingerie. I didn’t have any, but I wanted to be even more sexy. I took lots of photos for Mr Rich and he returned the favor. I became lost in the fantasy…

Collapse and Confessions

Early November Mr Rich started withdrawing. He was still having sex with his wife and guilt started to eat away at him. I wasn’t feeling any guilt, in fact, I was annoyed by his guilt. How could he just ‘switch off’ like that? Ultimately I had to cancel the hotel booking and everything came crashing down for the first time. I felt devastated, rejected and unwanted again. At this point my husband started noticing the changes. I went out a lot more. It is also on one of these nights that I had my first one night stand with a man 20 years my junior and the first sex in three years. I didn’t plan it, I was a bit drunk and things progressed so quickly. Years of pent up sexual frustration came exploding out of me. I enjoyed it so much and all I could think was, I wanted more.  Following the collapse of my affair with Mr Rich, I started confiding in friends, searching for answers. I also told my husband. I couldn’t lie to him and I wanted out. I tasted freedom and all I could think was, I wanted out. It was a huge shock to him and he became very depressed. I told him he changed too much to accommodate me over the years. He lost his identity just like I lost mine. I reminded him of all the times I asked him why he never touched me, why he never spoke to me anymore. We decided to be separated, but continued to live under the same roof.

Phone Sex

And so my pursuit for sexual gratification drove me to various ‘dating’ sites. Easy hook ups disguised as dating sites. I started talking to a younger man that introduced me to phone sex. I had never even thought of talking dirty to a man on the phone, but it didn’t take long before I was loving it. I loved his voice, like silk stroking my body with his words. I had never been so turned on. We started maybe talking once a week, but one week in November we had a marathon and spoke every night. I would lock myself in my bedroom or sit in my car, or when my husband went out, I would be downstairs in the living room. I couldn’t get enough and I developed feelings for him. He didn’t want to meet me, even though he was only an hour away. This upset me and because it didn’t make me feel wanted or good enough to have real sex with, I tried to sever ties with him. It wasn’t too difficult on that occasion as I  met my catfish in Nov.

Catfish

This episode is the most painful and difficult to write about. I met two men on another site. My catfish and Mr Rocks (he is a singer in a band). Mr Rocks is a sweet man and I still have contact with him. We had sex once, but I couldn’t sleep with him again. Not because it was bad, in fact it was very good, but I felt it could ruin the greatness of the first time. I was in any case too busy with the catfish. He looked amazing (fake pictures), very attractive, nice age, and he wrote me love letters like no man has ever done before, or ever will I suspect. ‘Love’ like that can only exist in fantasy, but I was so naive. I hanged on every word he wrote me. And when he finally returned home, we spoke on the phone for hours. Not phone sex, just life and interests and passions. He told me he loved me beginning of December and even though logic told me this is not possible, I believed every word. I was so happy. He said he wanted to marry me, have children with me, take me on luxurious holidays, show me amazing places he had visited. Just your every day sociopath emotionally messing with his victim. I was blissfully unaware, until the day of our first meeting arrived. I went to the place we agreed to meet and waited. I’m proud of one thing in that I didn’t wait very long before I realized it’s not going to happen. I tried calling him, phone off. I tried again and again as my initial thoughts were, something happened to him. But nothing, no text, no call, nothing. I was absolutely devastated.  Reality came crashing down, and very hard. It wasn’t long before I felt anger. I took to my PC and wrote him a long email. What really hurt me most of all is that I told this man something that only a few people knew about me. When I was 19 and still a virgin, I was raped. Yes, my virginity was taken in the worst possible way.  This is another story for another day, but the fact remained I told him. His response was that he would never let another man hurt me again. So yes, I was angry! The email I sent was full of anger and disbelief at the way he stood me up without a word. That night I received an email from him with a long elaborate very detailed depiction of his visit to the emergency room. He also said that at long last he saw my true colors as I clearly have anger issues. I felt mortified. No logical thoughts that maybe he was lying, but no, I felt bad. I called him and the third time he picked up. I was so apologetic and felt so bad about the email I wrote him. He eventually forgave me and we spoke for hours. This was our thing, we could speak for hours and by hours I mean minimum two and up to four hours. So the affair continued, but now he couldn’t travel any time soon. I did have a period of doubt after this and I started researching things he had told me. For starters I couldn’t find his name or address online. Something seemed off, but by now I was so caught up in his lies and I so wanted him to be real, I started believing. Soon we arranged for our second meeting. He gave me his full address and that’s all we spoke about. What he was going to cook, what we were going to do etc. When I had his address, I decided to find out who lived there. It was Wednesday the 16th of December when I realized that it had all been a lie. It wasn’t his house. He didn’t live there. I confronted him via email, again very upset. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown and my world once again came crashing down. This time I was emotionally raped. I cried every day till the end of December. I was grieving for the loss of a relationship with a fake man. A liar. A sociopath. I couldn’t trust my instincts again, I couldn’t trust any man again.