New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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Pig circus

You charm, you disarm
Everyone thinks you’re so kind
I fall under your spell
It’s the gateway to hell
I care, I even love
I lay myself bare
I give you my body, I open my mind
You say it’s not enough
I give you my heart
You say it’s a waste of my time
I try to leave, I’m in too deep
You show me just enough kindness
I hold onto the little bit of goodness
You refuse to believe
Instead you retreat
You recoil; you lift my hand from your body
Like it’s dirty
You refuse to kiss me, I even beg
You behave like a pig
I still love you

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Last night after a long chat with an old friend and an unexpected call from another in the USA, I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. So, 12 midnight I decided I’ll watch a movie. I’m not usually a fan of silly, unrealistic movies about love and relationships, but decided to watch “How to be single”. Wouldn’t take a lot of brain energy to watch and I was hoping it would make me sleepy and/or I will fall asleep watching it.

It has the usual love & relationship themes that a lot of Hollywood movies deploy and re-explore from different angles, but one thing stuck with me.

SPOILER ALERT – if you want to watch this film, don’t continue reading

One of the messages of the film is that you can lose sight of who you are when you get caught up in love or the illusion of love. This phenomenon is described as “dicksand” in the movie. One girl accuses the other of falling into this guys dicksand whenever he is near and then completely forgetting what she actually wants or needs. She realises that her friend is right when an old boyfriend comes back to her and claims that he misses her. They almost have sex, but he makes the mistake of telling her that he is engaged to be married, but because he misses her, he is not sure what to do.  This prompts her to have a sobering moment and she stops things from progressing as she realises he is only looking for one last f**k. Now this is a good guy. He comes across as that typical good guy and you view his intentions as good. It’s like the movie draws you in to fall into his dicksand too. But then you realise, like she does, that even the best of guys have the potential to act selfishly, especially in the heat of the moment.

I fell into dicksand. Many times this year. A good guy. I trusted him so completely. Then, he had sex with me little more than a week before declaring his undying love and future with another girl. So I think back to this scene in the movie. The only difference, the guy in the movie told the girl he was engaged and she stopped.. My good guy said nothing. I didn’t even know he was looking or involved with anyone else.  Scary…is a relationship that starts like that ever going to work? Well, I guess it depends on the girl and the behaviour she is comfortable accepting. I lost sight of what I want and need. The dicksand got me.

Now, I have been talking to someone for a very long time and even more so recently.  We have become closer and when I admitted my dark thoughts and negativity to him, he didn’t reject me or try to change me, or try to advise me. Something he said to me meant more to me than I ever thought possible. I have never befriended a man that didn’t want to have sex with me. I am a very sexy, sensual woman. Not spoken out of vanity. I just am what I am. When this man said he would rather spend hours talking to me than engage in sex with me, it was one of those KA-CHING moments. To be valued for more than my physical appearance, it means so much to me.

I don’t overthink things anymore. No use. I’m in the now. Living, enjoying, being happy.

This man’s words reminded me of what I’m worth and not to get lost in the dicksand again. I need a man that can see beyond the physical me.





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I have lived some decades now and there’s a lot about what I want that I don’t understand and what I don’t expect a lover to understand. We all live in our own version of the truth and this is the cause of a lot of miscommunication. Perhaps we sometimes try to communicate one thing, and he reads something else. It’s possible isn’t it? Because isn’t the articulate the killer of the erotic? Isn’t the whole point that you don’t know what your lover will do next? That you give yourself over to a sensory experience that you hadn’t planned and can’t control. The reason I like sex is that I finally, for a moment, can turn off my neurotic mind and just be consumed. If I give my lover permission, yes, no, touch me, not there… don’t I undermine the potency of his desire?  – the affair



I love this quote. If I was articulate enough, this is exactly how I would describe the perfect sexual encounter. And I’ve experienced it this year. I used to think that voicing your needs during intimacy is the way to go, but since I’ve experienced the non verbal experience of being consumed by the moment, I don’t ever want to go back to the verbal form. Like the quote says, there are many things I want that I don’t understand and that I never thought a lover would understand. However, I found that I can let my desire flow through my body and let it communicate exactly what I want. Without understanding.

Yes, I am a sexual creature. My journey with sex started badly. Went uphill for a time and then the drought of ten years. Then I awakened again. I don’t want to be ashamed of my awakening. No, I don’t want to share my body with just anyone either. I am not planning on having a promiscuous lifestyle. I still view the sexual act as sacred in a way. Only because I give so much of myself. I’ve been touched the right way. I’ve experienced heights of pleasure, releasing me from the outside world and giving me a safe place to be. Where I don’t have to hold back or pretend. Where I can just have that sensory experience.

In many ways, I was raised to be ashamed or shy of my sexual needs and desires. I was taught not to talk about it. Not to say what really turns me on. Even writing this post, I feel like I’m revealing too much. But, It’s a part of who I am. My sexual desires and fantasies are very much  a part of me. It doesn’t govern me, but it is part of that primal, instinctive part of me. True attraction can’t be manufactured or created. It’s there, or it’s not. I’ve had many lovers in the past twenty years. Well, probably not that many by today’s standards, but I can honestly say that this year has been an awakening. After twenty years I have finally experienced that which is so perfectly voiced in the above quote. Being consumed by the moment. I don’t regret it. I embrace it. Cherish it.

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We all experience loss at some stage of our lives
The loss can be sudden, or gradual; both equally distressing and profound in its effect on our life.
The death of a loved one or a pet. The end of a relationship. Relationships can end gradually resulting in days, weeks, months or even years of anxiety, confusion, unhappiness, unhealthy obsession and regret leading up to the ultimate demise of the partnership. One party in a relationship will always feel more loss than the other. This is inevitable in the relationships that are doomed to end. The reason for this is the imbalance of commitment. Only when both parties are equally committed to the relationship, will it stand a chance to last or at least bring joy and happiness to both  involved.
There always seem to be a new relationship around the corner for most, or time can heal, or rebound love or obsessing over something new, often in the form of an addiction. We eat, we drink, we smoke, we shop.
I am angry. I am angry that what I protected and cherished was taken and lost and no amount of time or begging with the powers that be, or crying, or mourning or anger can restore it.
I was saving myself for the right one and because it was taken against my will, I started giving myself away. To the boy that didn’t really care, to the boy that had no self confidence, to the man that denied his identity his whole life. To the men that have no respect for women. To the man that can’t commit. To the man that doesn’t understand his own heart. I’m easy now. I don’t value my sexuality. It  has slowly but surely devalued over time until it has become something I give away without thought or fear of the consequences. There is one I long to give myself to, truly give myself to. Will he appreciate it? Will he truly understand the passion I harbour in my body, soul, mind…
Please, please let me not give in vain anymore. Show me mercy

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The Future


The unknown, the uncertain, the nothing guaranteed, the challenge, the future. Imagine we knew exactly what was going to happen in our future, but because we knew, we couldn’t change it. Someone hands your parent / guardian your future when you’re born; your life certificate. Parents can see what will happen in their child’s life, they can see all the mistakes, hurt, happiness, love, good times and the day their child will die. When a child turns a certain age, they are handed a copy. Everyone knows exactly what will happen to them, but nothing can be done to change any of the outcomes on that future plan. You are stopped from intervening, changing your mind when you know you’re going to be make a bad decision or preventing your final destination; death.  Maybe a good idea for a dystopian science fiction movie, but the reality is, the future is a dark realm that no light can penetrate.

What I do know from past experience is that I will not be exactly the same person tomorrow that I am today. My personality will be the same, but the way I see life and love will be different. My face will look the same, but how I feel about myself will be different. My eyes will be the same, but how I see things will be different. My ears will be the same, but how I listen when people talk to me, will be different. My mouth will be the same, but who I choose to kiss will depend on more than just a need. My skin will still cover my body, but how I let myself be touched will be different. My hands will still be there, but what I use them for will be different. My feet will still be there, but who I choose to run to, or from, will be different. My heart will beat till the day I die, but who I open it to will know what it is to be loved, even if not forever. My mind changes because I’m a female and it will always be that way, but I’m looking forward to the moments when it is well and truly made up. I can’t change my sex, but I can change with whom and why I have sex. The way I love will not change, even if I thought it had. I will always love with my whole being.

My soul will be with me always and will never change.


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Just when I think…

I’m OK

No, I’m not. It hurts. It really does. When you get badly hurt, and I mean broken hurt, it’s not easy to see past the hurt. I have good days, or maybe hours, and then it will just hit me. An awful sense of melancholy. Why am I so weak?

My introduction to sex was a traumatic one. It has repercussions.  I never had therapy, in fact I kept it a secret from everyone accept my best friend at the time. I felt too ashamed and I didn’t want anyone to know that I was now damaged goods.  My first boyfriend, a year after I was raped, was a really gentle and kind boy. I thought I would struggle to have sex with him, but in fact, I couldn’t sleep with him quick enough. I already thought that this would be the way to keep him attached to me. After 5 years we got married. Little did I know that unresolved, hidden and denied events can leave scars you don’t know about until your are in the wrong situation, like feeling trapped. On my honeymoon I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t have sex with him. I faked illness and we cut the honeymoon short from a week to only two days. I could literally not breath. I needed to go home.

It  is no surprise that this marriage lasted one year. First divorce. It took about six months for the divorce to go through the courts, in which time I had two affairs. One with a man I worked with, the other with the man I’m married to today. My husband and I had a very sexual start to our relationship and I think it would have ended eventually, but I became pregnant and we decided to get married. Giving natural birth to our child broke me again…in the same place I was broken before. It’s difficult for me to say this, but I used to catch myself looking at her when she was a little baby and thinking, you took my womanhood away. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to ever have sex again. Thankfully, these thoughts toward my child stopped soon after she was born and I love my child more than life itself. I hope she will never have to go through what I have. Every girl dreams about her first time, who it will be, if he will love her, will it hurt?

This is when I became asexual. I had no sex. Simple as that. My husband accepted it and we  both just plodded along. To our friends and family we seemed happy. I think we even thought we were happy. Our child became our distraction and and we poured all our time and energy into her. She will be loved.

Maybe I’m still grieving for my virginity that was taken so wrongfully. Maybe I still mourn for that innocent girl that was violated and denied the joy of sharing her first encounter with a man that really loved her. Will the sadness ever go away. Will I ever feel whole again? Am I good enough to be loved for more than just my sex?