New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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I have lived some decades now and there’s a lot about what I want that I don’t understand and what I don’t expect a lover to understand. We all live in our own version of the truth and this is the cause of a lot of miscommunication. Perhaps we sometimes try to communicate one thing, and he reads something else. It’s possible isn’t it? Because isn’t the articulate the killer of the erotic? Isn’t the whole point that you don’t know what your lover will do next? That you give yourself over to a sensory experience that you hadn’t planned and can’t control. The reason I like sex is that I finally, for a moment, can turn off my neurotic mind and just be consumed. If I give my lover permission, yes, no, touch me, not there… don’t I undermine the potency of his desire?  – the affair



I love this quote. If I was articulate enough, this is exactly how I would describe the perfect sexual encounter. And I’ve experienced it this year. I used to think that voicing your needs during intimacy is the way to go, but since I’ve experienced the non verbal experience of being consumed by the moment, I don’t ever want to go back to the verbal form. Like the quote says, there are many things I want that I don’t understand and that I never thought a lover would understand. However, I found that I can let my desire flow through my body and let it communicate exactly what I want. Without understanding.

Yes, I am a sexual creature. My journey with sex started badly. Went uphill for a time and then the drought of ten years. Then I awakened again. I don’t want to be ashamed of my awakening. No, I don’t want to share my body with just anyone either. I am not planning on having a promiscuous lifestyle. I still view the sexual act as sacred in a way. Only because I give so much of myself. I’ve been touched the right way. I’ve experienced heights of pleasure, releasing me from the outside world and giving me a safe place to be. Where I don’t have to hold back or pretend. Where I can just have that sensory experience.

In many ways, I was raised to be ashamed or shy of my sexual needs and desires. I was taught not to talk about it. Not to say what really turns me on. Even writing this post, I feel like I’m revealing too much. But, It’s a part of who I am. My sexual desires and fantasies are very much  a part of me. It doesn’t govern me, but it is part of that primal, instinctive part of me. True attraction can’t be manufactured or created. It’s there, or it’s not. I’ve had many lovers in the past twenty years. Well, probably not that many by today’s standards, but I can honestly say that this year has been an awakening. After twenty years I have finally experienced that which is so perfectly voiced in the above quote. Being consumed by the moment. I don’t regret it. I embrace it. Cherish it.

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