New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


Happy Days


How little did I understand. Did I really forget so easily? How simple it is to be happy? From within, with myself. Wonderful, Beautiful, Gorgeous

That is me and nothing and nobody can change that – should be allowed to change it.

It’s been said so many times, but it’s true. The secret is to find that happy inside. Others compliment and enrich my life, but I am back in control. No longer out of control. No longer outside, looking in, shaking my head.

I had a very emotional counseling session a week ago. Not because I had to relive the hurt and pain. No, because I remembered what I used to be like, felt like. The innocence. The naive sweet dreams I had. The trusting smiling young girl. Innocence that was lost, in one moment. I lingered here. Crying. Crying once again. Then she said, you are brave. And I realised – I am. Damn straight I am! I’m a fighter for goodness sake!!

I have no doubt that life will keep challenging me. I wouldn’t expect anything less. But I’m ready. I’m standing on my own two feet. No longer seeking others to depend on, to trust, to keep standing.  And yes, I will need my friends, and I will seek their comfort; for true friendship is a rare and beautiful thing. True acceptance of another human being is a gift. I love my close friends. They are a part of me as much as my family is. They know me inside out. They accept me. My darkness and madness. They cherish me for my kindness, loyalty and honesty. I treasure them for their inner beauty and uniqueness, for making me smile, for enriching my life.





Isn’t it sad how judgemental the world has become. I think it’s an easy trap for anyone to fall into, but when I find myself thinking judging thoughts, I recognise it and STOP. By judging thoughts I mean judging people you don’t know. Trying to rectify the behaviour, psyche, outfit, choice of hairstyle, choice of lifestyle and plenty more of people you don’t know, with your thoughts, even your words if you’re not alone.

I find that I tend to judge because I compare myself to others. This is never a good thing. Comparing your own unique self to anybody else, but it’s a human flaw; one we all suffer from at some point of our lives or sometimes even permanently. It’s a sign of insecurity and lack of self love.

There were several points in my life where I didn’t have any love for myself at all. When I felt like nothing, because of others. This will result in either a blame mentality or a victim mentality. I never made myself feel like nothing. I didn’t do anything to cause this…or did I? That is the key really. To have such a strong love and respect for yourself that nobody has the power to make you feel like nothing. Now, I’m not saying there are no victims. I was a victim of rape. And the repercussions of this is great. What I do know is that there are always two sides to a story. There is always a person with more power than the other in an unhealthy relationship – any relationship that is. Not only romantic.

I don’t claim to be wise, but I’ve experienced a lot. What I can say is that trust is a dangerous thing when it’s placed in the hands of the wrong person. So when you allow another to make you feel unimportant, and you have a healthy self love and respect, it’s usually because you trust that person. Completely. Complete trust can blind just as much as love can. Just today a friend sent me a distressed message saying that something really personal and confidential about her was leaked. Due to this, she’s been harshly judged by others. She already doesn’t have a healthy self love and this has devastated her. All because she trusted the wrong person.

In the end, I am my worst critic. I trusted the wrong people on a couple of occasions. The times I did, I got hurt the most. I got burned. That’s life. No getting round it. Lessons learned. Be careful who you trust. And before you judge, love yourself 🙂 and then love the other person too. We are all unique and different and entitled to our breath in this life.  There is no normal. There is no right or wrong (not including criminal law! :)) of living or loving or being yourself.

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Losing you



A person I’ll never see again

A person I’ll never hear again

A person I’ll never hug again

A person I’ll never laugh with again


One I’ll never go exploring with again

One I’ll never experience the new with again

One I’ll try to forget every day

One I’m forced to sever all ties with, again


I didn’t lose him to death

I lost him to life

Would death hurt any less?


Maybe not

This is what losing a friend

Feels like

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It’s not easy taking responsibility for your actions. Especially when you know you acted out of anger or sadness. It’s not easy finding out that someone you love and care about, betrayed you in the worst way. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I let someone treat me this way. Allowing it, because I didn’t think I deserved better. There is no excuse. No matter the lies and deceit, I don’t want to stoop to that level again.

Newness. There is always a new blank page ahead. Today, the present. The present IS a present! The one we get to open every morning when we wake up.

I realised today that living in the present is the only way. Experiencing the now, and finding the happiness in it. Mundane tasks like cleaning the house becomes a joy 🙂

There is always a way out. I felt trapped, but I always had a choice. It was just a hard one to make. When it comes to difficult decisions, I know I’m capable of making them. It’s time I start believing in myself again and forget about the self doubt and disrespect that was planted there by another over a period of time. I am not what others call me or think of me. I know who I am. I know my heart. I know my intentions.

This week I have lots planned. I’m excited and looking forward to exploring and discovering new places & faces. Life is a gift.

To all my friends reading my blog, thank you for being there for me the last two weeks. I reached out to you in my time of need and you didn’t let me down. My true friends stood by me. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Love you.


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Friendship was just an illusion…with a benefit

You lied to me, no set communication boundaries

Your reflection of your own behaviour, another waiver


Did you provoke a lie?

Why do you hide behind your lie?

Something more or something less, I guess

I walk the way I choose, you lose

Alone…my journey

I live not a lie


If ever there comes one

Never false, I will give way to what’s true

Unlike you

Winter fell upon my soul

I’ve found me, I am free

I am leading now, not blind


In your shame you will cry

Drop your hand, and live your lie



B is for…

Country Boy, City Belle™_ To all my BFFs!.jpg


Bestie. My best friend is a crazy, interesting and just overall amazing person. And so is his Mum. I can probably write a book about him ( maybe I should!?) and there are many things I can say about him and our friendship.

What I can say without a shadow of a doubt is that he has been there for me at my darkest hour. He has supported me and have shown more patience than all the saints combined. He is not perfect, but he is the perfect best friend for me.

I’m grateful, lucky and blessed to have a best friend like him.

Love you dude!

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I had such a bad day at work today. I just started a new job and already I wonder if this new challenge is for me. It’s not so much the work as the isolation. I had many many dear colleagues where I worked before. I miss talking to them and just being myself.

I feel lonely too. Really lonely. It takes it’s toll on me. So I look for encouragement. From my friends, never my family as I can’t let them know I’m going through so much right now.


So, feeling really low I reach out to him and this is what he says.He has the ability to make me feel like someone again. To make me feel wanted and beautiful and without a doubt, hopeful that someone else could one day see me this way. These are his words. I write them here so I’ll never forget them and I can look back here and read them again and again when life makes me feel worthless, unwanted and sad.

You are the most sensitive , caring, beautiful person I know. Over time I got to know you and love you and respect every fibre of your essence. I don’t have all the answers but in you I see the one thing you can’t. How beautiful your nature is. Your intelligence, your understanding. How you have loved, lost, cried, beaten yourself up. But how you’ve shown stamina & caring. You don’t have to torture yourself anymore. You struggle with your existence. Missing out on your Mum and Dad. Seeking perfection is not an option. But let me tell you this. You are the most dynamic and most beautiful of all I’ve ever met. My friendship is set in stone”

Thank you my friend. Thank you. You don’t know how much I need to know this and how much I need to start believing again. I need to pull myself from this pit. I have seen what hurt and regret and pain can do to a person. I don’t want to be like that. I want my soul to be well again.



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Silver lining

“I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”

“I…have a woman in my arms who has suffered greatly and desperately needs to believe once again that she is beautiful.”

Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

I recently bought and watched the movie Silver linings Playbook. It is one of my favourite movies. I find it really funny which might be a bit strange. My Mum always said that life is one big joke to me. You see, I laugh a lot. I laugh when something is funny (as we all do), but I also laugh when people get hurt, like bump their toe, or fall down. I also laugh when I get hurt. When I’m in a lot of physical pain, I laugh. When I’m uncomfortable, which normally makes it more uncomfortable, I laugh. So, yes, I laugh a lot to cope with things, hence why my Mum thinks I find life a big joke.

The main characters in the movie (book) are really troubled people. The male main character suffers from bipolar which is no laughing matter. The female main character lost her husband and coped with his death by leading a somewhat promiscuous life involving plenty of her work colleagues, which does end up getting her fired from her job. I do identify with her in some ways as I became somewhat like her when I realised that my second marriage was heading towards failure too. I have sexually experimented more this past year than ever before in my life. I think it gets to me sometimes as I used to be a bit of a prude. But like the female lead states; “There will also be a part of me that’s dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of me”. And this is true. Even though I go through many lows of questioning what the meaning of it all is and why I’m doing what I’m doing, I don’t regret it for a minute. I’m living, even when I feel down, I’m living. experiencing, feeling, finding.

There is always a silver lining. I find mine in many  things and especially people, when I go through the lows. I need to learn how to hold onto these. A close friend recently told me something that I think might keep me smiling for months if not years to come. He told me that he loved me. It’s not the way he said it, it’s the why he said it – he backed it up. Saying I love you means nothing if you can’t back it up with a reason. You don’t just love, you come to love. Falling in love is the journey towards the real thing. Sometimes you don’t even fall in love; you come to love without realising, without the butterflies and fairy tale notions. Love takes its time, it’s patient. These words are the most meaningful I’ve heard in a long time “Then, by chance, I came to adore every aspect that is you”  and they were said to me, for me. My silver lining for now. Knowing that I can be loved, for who I am, every aspect of me. The good, the bad, the really bad, the sloppy and dirty parts of me.


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Posted by Sadlove Story at 8_13 AM

There is a man I know. He makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been for a very long time.

He is a true friend and confidant.
I can just be myself around him. I don’t have to plan what I’ll say or worry what he’ll think of me. We accept each other’s broken pasts and recognise each other’s faults. He doesn’t define me and I don’t define him. We compliment each other. I’m a better person when I’m around him.

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He has seen my tears and he has comforted me. His arms is the safest place I know right now.
I wasn’t looking I wasn’t expecting, yet I found exactly what I need. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

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The middle ground

The middle ground. That place of perfect equilibrium. My goal, the place I would like to be and stay in for longer periods.
The bottom is the worst place to be. Everything that doesn’t float, sinks to the bottom. It almost feels like everything is grounded naturally. Why else does gravity exist? Surely everything sinks or falls or ends up at the bottom because of this basic earthly force. So learning to float like a flying creature can be tricky or so you think. There are things that can make you fly higher than any bird. The emotions that carry us so high, we lose sight of the ground and that’s also not good, although it feels great in the moment.

I have floated high, but I’ve been to the bottom many times, too many times.

Interaction with others create these highs and lows. So logic tells me that only by myself can I reach the middle ground.
This is true to some extent and I am working on achieving this. However some people’s natural middle ground are so close to mine that spending time with them doesn’t make you high or low. They just match. These are my closest friends and the ones I tend to turn to when I’m too high or too low. Their interactions with me brings me back to my middle ground.
True friends are the ones that balances you perfectly.