New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Emotional abuse

destroyer

Today, when I saw this picture, I was once again reminded of last year and of the absolute confusion, longing and desperation I experienced.

It is not okay for a man to treat you like a piece of meat, a bank or a convenience.

Please don’t ever forget that. If he doesn’t treat you like he’s won the lottery, then move on!!!

I do believe it takes two to tango. I was so lost, emotionally vulnerable and longing to be loved, that I let a man treat me any way he wanted. And because I went along with it, I am to blame. Is that true? I believe it’s partly true, but manipulative people can give you just enough hope, to keep going back for more. and more. and more emotional abuse.

 


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Calm

I lie on my bed, listening to the fan’s blades slicing through the warm air. I contemplate my life and how much I have changed in the last couple of months. A calmness I can’t quite explain, has become a part of my life, of me.

I consciously made some changes in my life, but a lot of these changes filtered into my subconscious because of the changes I made to my thought processes. I no longer sweat the small stuff. I don’t really get upset anymore. When I find myself in a situation where I feel I might lose control in any of it’s forms, I become aware of my breathing and I slow it down. I tell myself that each one of us, every single one of us on this planet, have our own struggles. Each person has a demon or two to deal with and today, maybe the other person’s demons are dominating them.

So, peace..where is this peace coming from? Acceptance. Only accepting your past for what it was, accepting your present and truly being in it, and accepting that the future is a mystery.  Nothing is certain. Nothing. Instead of letting that scare me, I accept. I turn the fear of uncertainty into a joy of what exciting untold stories that await. Yes, there will be sadness, regret, disappointment, but I know that the joy, fun and laughter will always shine through.

and I’ll keep breathing, in…out, slowly but surely.

 


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I think

I think…

then that little detail
that little reality
that little act
that little lack
that little disinterest
that little word
that little silence
that little don’t care
that little reminder
that little meaning
that little difference
that little distance
that little affection
that little support
that little innocence
that little “what if”
that little conversation

becomes

big

bigger than it should
bigger than a thought


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Nothing lasts

 

our bodies wasting away
till every step we stray

our minds slowing down
till there’s just a laughing clown

our hearts beating harder
till it becomes larder

our hands holding tight
till we lose our sight

our love blooms like a spring flower
till winter makes us cower

our passion knows no bounds
till it’s killed by the hungry hounds

our lives ebb and flow
till the fires no longer glow

our spirits soar
Nothing can kill it’s roar

our souls are a mystery
therein lies our history
it can’t be changed
it lasts forever


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I didn’t know

I came across an old email by chance today. It brought back memories of a time lost; or that’s how it feels now…but can time really be lost? No. Every moment of my life brought me to where I am right now. Take any of it away and things won’t be exactly as they are now. How can you appreciate the warmth of the summer sun, if you didn’t endure and survive the bitter cold of the winter first?

it was winter when I first felt love again
my awakening new

but ’tis was not love
it was hope and promise

winter became spring
and spring, summer

sweet wind blew
and we were
scorched by the summer sun,
cooled by the autumn rain

a harvest of discontent

winter returned
and ruby blood stained the
bright white snow

snow melted slow and painful
little bits of me
melting away too

an echo remained
one from far away
a voice calling me home

home; place of rest
place of peace and comfort
place of safety
dwelling of tranquillity

a heart, bigger than mine
I met

I didn’t know…
I didn’t know
how could I?

is it always unexpected?

sweet spring blooms
in my heart
I want to cherish it
I want to hold it dear

a beautiful flower
unfolding in the warmth
of the loving sun’s arms


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Sometimes

Sometimes…sometimes…sometimes when you can’t say it. When words escape and you need to let it out, somehow music comes to help. Lyrics that speak so true, you can almost remember writing them yourself in your dreams. Tonight I have no words, but I have this song. This song is me. The piano so beautiful, soulful, sad. The words…so true..so applicable so beautiful and innocent. A song about my soul with sound that no words can express. I have become something I can’t express anymore

 

You are what they call the human season

You are all the alphabet in one
You are every colour of confusion
You are all the silence I’ve become

Love me for
Stupid reasons
I like those most

Wide-eyed but
Worth believing
God knows

Damn the angry voice that keeps us quiet
The editor whose work is never done
Keeping pretty words between my teeth and
Sweet confessions underneath my tongue

Drowsy contemplation
Do I let you in
This is my invitation
But how do I begin?

She has such an awful lot of soldiers
Quite a lovely army all her own
Night and day they stand before the fortress
Very safe but very all alone


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Fear

run away
freeze
stand up and face

the jolt in your stomach
pushing up in your chest

when a fear becomes reality
it’s not a dream
it’s not a thought
it’s no longer a fear

How do you react?
is there a right or wrong way?

where do you hide your fear?
do you speak your fear?

my fears ruled me
for a very long time

no more
fear is a liar