I have arrived at a time of nothing. Nothing makes sense, nothing is the same, I feel like nothing I say or do can change it.

I want to talk to someone, yet I know that the one I’ve spoken to before will no longer understand.

So I write, here, to try and make sense of it all.

I am on the brink of realization. I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. When things turn sour in a second. When disappointment becomes so painful that you want to disappear from the world.

When you don’t make it clear what your limits are and someone reaches that limit.. are they to blame or you? Am I to blame for not making it clear how I wish to be treated because I always try and be understanding? I ALWAYS try to understand. Surely there is a logical reason for the actions of others. But  maybe there isn’t. Maybe this person was hiding, or maybe I was blind. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. How do I want to be treated?

Am I a toy? Am I a piece of meat? Am I a convenience? Am I a break from the world? Am I a friend when it suits the need? Am I entitled to feel, to express? I so want to express myself, but I end up doing and saying things that are completely out of character. I’m too scared to express, because I’m scared to lose.

I know that I’m not myself right now. I feel different. I feel isolated. I’m not scared to be alone anymore. This is what I feel I will be. Am I entitled to love again? I am in love. I have uttered those words, but they are rejected every time. Is that right?

Please tell me. World, please give me a sign. Free me from myself. Give me a purpose