New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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I’m still learning


I’m still learning. Life never stops teaching you lessons. What did I learn this past week?

Time waits for no man. I celebrated my birthday this week. On paper I’m 41 now, in my heart I’m 61, in my mind and spirit I’m 21.

My heart ages quicker. It’s been used so much more than the rest of me. It’s loved, it’s lost, it’s been cracked, it’s been broken. I use it every day. I don’t know any other way than selfless love and unconditional giving.

I learned that some friendships are worth fighting for, even when you are angry, sad, disappointed or confused. Some friendships you just don’t give up on. These are the ones that will last a lifetime. The connection I have with a few people can’t and will never be broken.

I learned what it feels like to be physically fulfilled. So much so that I know with every fibre of my body that I will never have that feeling of fulfilment again. To be touched in a way that I didn’t even knew I needed.  To be ‘loved’ and love in return. I have this memory and I wonder if any man could live up to giving me so much pleasure, ever again.

I learned that the low after the high can easily drown you. It takes focus, lots of tears and silent screams to get back to the middle. I am getting better at dealing with the lows. This must be why life gives you these lows. You need to learn, you need to be better prepared for the next one and take it in your stride. I no longer fight these lows. I go with them. I embrace them and deal with them. I’m not afraid. I know that I won’t die. I will only get stronger.

The most important lesson I learned this week. Life has some sad sick twists in its tail for me. A friend told me, the universe can be cruel sometimes. I found out that my physical age does matter. There are certain things that are no longer an option and because of that, I can’t offer what a younger woman can and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. This is my hardest lesson, there isn’t a solution to every problem / obstacle. For a problem solver like me, this is a hard lesson. I can’t fix everything. I can’t be the right person for the person that is so right for me.




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It’s dark, it’s cold

I feel his heavy breathing on my back

I can’t breath, I am suffocating

I want it to stop…please god make it stop


I’m being torn to pieces

There is nothing I can do, nothing

My mind’s a blank, my body violated

Is this real?



It stops, I lie on the ground

Move your legs, get up

I struggle home, tears running down my face

Blood and fluids running down my legs


I lost my innocence, I am no more

I let the water run over my body

It washes the evidence away

Traces of him and me disappear down the drain


I try to sleep, I can’t

I sob, I cry, I want to rewind the clock

I’m alone, I’m ashamed

I deserve this, I know it


Days go by, years go by

I keep my secret…it’s mine alone

I am alone in that place of my mind

I never share myself and truly connect


Then twenty years go by

I connect with a man, a dangerous man

It’s new, It’s exciting

He promises me the moon and stars


I open up, I tell him my secret

He pretends to care, he tells me no man will hurt me again

I believe him, I trust him

I feel better sharing my secret


My mind has been opened

Maybe this is love

No…he rapes me, emotionally rapes me


My body and soul, both raped

Nothing hurts like this





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I know now


I know now you will never love me
You have known love
The love that consumes
The love that makes you want to protect
The love that makes everything seem brighter
The love that takes away the pain
The love that makes you want to be a better man
The love that makes you hurt when she is hurting
The love that sees a future with only one
The love that makes two become one
Your love for me is not this
I know now
Our love is only mine, never shared by you
And yet, you still have my love
You won’t feel it with me
You can’t see it because I’m not the one
I’m hurting but choose to stay
How long can I do this before I disappear?
Are you the last one I’ll love?Inspirational Ideas For Creating Abstract Art With Your iPhone Photos.jpg

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Why don’t you


Why don’t you treat me bad
I’ve treated you so badly
I’m letting you go, but you hold on
I can’t go back
I’m changing, I’m not me anymore
Let me go, I’m a stranger now
This place we built is a ruin
I’ve put it to rest, dust to dust
It’s dead
The me I once was is dust too
I am destined to be alone
And this I choose so let me go
Why hold on to the dead
Why don’t you put me to rest

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My love

Unrequited Love Can Serve You Well If You Let It_ The Benefits Of ___.jpgMy love hurts & aches
It cuts my hands, my lips, my heart
It leaves a hole in my centre that can’t be filled
My love is wrong
I drown the ones I love, they struggle to breath
I give my all and it’s not enough
I long to be held and told I deserve to be loved
Love that washes away the pain the guilt
Why is my love so complicated?
Pure, simple love that takes away fear, this is what I need
Love that can be seen through action
Love I can feel in his arms
Love that flows freely between us
Is this love just not for me?
Pain, tears, loneliness
How long will I wait?
How long before someone sees me and can’t help but love me…