New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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You are the moon

There is a man
He is the moon
There is a girl
She is the sea

The moon dictates the tides
She can not help
He draws her tight

Ebbs and flows
She can not help
She falls in love

Waiting patiently
To see him at night

But the moon goes dark
For many nights
Then slowly turning bright

She feels so much.
The tides arise
Her feelings; shooting stars
Meteors traveling in the night
Crashing into the moon mid flight

He has no defenses
He’s vulnerable too
She: bound by the gravitational pull
He: bound to be distant and cold…

Only men walked on the moon
What can she do?

She cries and cries
Salty water to expel

How long will it take?
She doesn’t know
But sorrow for now
Is her only home

For he is the moon
And she is the sea
Never meant to be

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Awake walking


I walk, I talk, I live

And yet, I’m sleeping

The real me, sleeps under a cover of darkness

My life is a dream;

short glimpses of reality

I remember my dreams

They shock me.

How can I be so different?

How can I be so selfish?

In my dreams I am self-centered

Focused on my pain, my regret

There is so much to gain from others

When I’m me I’m kind and loving

Joyful and happy

Easy to please and a pleasure to be around

But the dream takes over

It’s the face of a black dog

How many people have I pushed away?

How would they know it’s my nightmare?

Not me that they see and speak to?

I want to awake from this dream

Before life passes me by and I lose

Awake, speak the truth; be true to myself

Think before speaking

Speak with love

I want to be proud of myself

When I’m sleeping, wake me up

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Empty house, Empty heart

Empty soul, Empty life

How to fill this void?

True and trustworthy friends

Loving and concerned family

When these no longer fill the void, what can?

Emptiness is white

It shines like a white light through my skin

Making it translucent but fragile

Where do I turn? Where do I go?

The feeling of helplessness, there is nowhere safe

No comfort to be found

No happiness around

I’m sorry my friends, my family

I am changing, I am disappearing

I am becoming nothing…




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Send in the clown


Laugh, don’t cry now

Wipe your tears and put on a smile

The world loves a smile

When my heart is breaking

When my life is changing

When you treat me like nothing

I wear my smile like a mask

It fits me perfectly

It hides the hurt

It hides the real me from the world

I have a clown in my head

His face is painted white, his lips rosy red

He has stars for eyes

When I cry, he laughs

My tears remove the paint from his face

While I sleep, he paints his face again

My clown has no name, but I do

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Restless spirit


I haven’t written for a long time…since April. So much have happened in my life. A lot of changes, a lot of battles, particularly within myself. I’ve mastered the art of smiling and being happy outwards, but inside I’m in turmoil. Every day at work I smile and laugh but inside I cry, inside I’m restless.

I have overwhelming feelings of disappearing, to leave everything and everyone I know, behind. I know this is not the answer, but oh how I wish I could. I try so hard to find something to inspire me, to keep me going, but I fail. The core of this is that I am so unhappy with myself. If happiness doesn’t originate from within, it won’t last. Nobody really knows how I feel accept one or two friends. I turn to them but I’m starting to feel guilty that I am a burden to them.

I am on medication since April to help with the dark thoughts. I don’t know if it’s really working. It did in the beginning, but now, I feel numb. Dead with no aim or purpose.

What do I do? I have no idea. Who do I turn to? I have no idea. Where am I going? I have no idea. What will become of me? I have no idea.

I know why people commit suicide now. I’m not capable of that. I love my daughter too much, but I understand. I will never judge those people again.

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Falling apart


Who knows when I will find myself again

I have no idea who I am anymore

Days become hours, hours become long minutes

I have no hope, no love, no peace

I have broken down every stability in my life

I am once again on the roller coaster, but not life

Of the unknown, of the unattainable

My foundations rocked and broken apart

Faith once held me together, but it’s shattered now

Who am I?