There is a man
He is the moon
There is a girl
She is the sea
The moon dictates the tides
She can not help
He draws her tight
Ebbs and flows
She can not help
She falls in love
To see him at night
But the moon goes dark
For many nights
Then slowly turning bright
She feels so much.
The tides arise
Her feelings; shooting stars
Meteors traveling in the night
Crashing into the moon mid flight
He has no defenses
He’s vulnerable too
She: bound by the gravitational pull
He: bound to be distant and cold…
Only men walked on the moon
What can she do?
She cries and cries
Salty water to expel
How long will it take?
She doesn’t know
But sorrow for now
Is her only home
For he is the moon
And she is the sea
Never meant to be
I walk, I talk, I live
And yet, I’m sleeping
The real me, sleeps under a cover of darkness
My life is a dream;
short glimpses of reality
I remember my dreams
They shock me.
How can I be so different?
How can I be so selfish?
In my dreams I am self-centered
Focused on my pain, my regret
There is so much to gain from others
When I’m me I’m kind and loving
Joyful and happy
Easy to please and a pleasure to be around
But the dream takes over
It’s the face of a black dog
How many people have I pushed away?
How would they know it’s my nightmare?
Not me that they see and speak to?
I want to awake from this dream
Before life passes me by and I lose
Awake, speak the truth; be true to myself
Think before speaking
Speak with love
I want to be proud of myself
When I’m sleeping, wake me up
Empty house, Empty heart
Empty soul, Empty life
How to fill this void?
True and trustworthy friends
Loving and concerned family
When these no longer fill the void, what can?
Emptiness is white
It shines like a white light through my skin
Making it translucent but fragile
Where do I turn? Where do I go?
The feeling of helplessness, there is nowhere safe
No comfort to be found
No happiness around
I’m sorry my friends, my family
I am changing, I am disappearing
I am becoming nothing…
Laugh, don’t cry now
Wipe your tears and put on a smile
The world loves a smile
When my heart is breaking
When my life is changing
When you treat me like nothing
I wear my smile like a mask
It fits me perfectly
It hides the hurt
It hides the real me from the world
I have a clown in my head
His face is painted white, his lips rosy red
He has stars for eyes
When I cry, he laughs
My tears remove the paint from his face
While I sleep, he paints his face again
My clown has no name, but I do
I haven’t written for a long time…since April. So much have happened in my life. A lot of changes, a lot of battles, particularly within myself. I’ve mastered the art of smiling and being happy outwards, but inside I’m in turmoil. Every day at work I smile and laugh but inside I cry, inside I’m restless.
I have overwhelming feelings of disappearing, to leave everything and everyone I know, behind. I know this is not the answer, but oh how I wish I could. I try so hard to find something to inspire me, to keep me going, but I fail. The core of this is that I am so unhappy with myself. If happiness doesn’t originate from within, it won’t last. Nobody really knows how I feel accept one or two friends. I turn to them but I’m starting to feel guilty that I am a burden to them.
I am on medication since April to help with the dark thoughts. I don’t know if it’s really working. It did in the beginning, but now, I feel numb. Dead with no aim or purpose.
What do I do? I have no idea. Who do I turn to? I have no idea. Where am I going? I have no idea. What will become of me? I have no idea.
I know why people commit suicide now. I’m not capable of that. I love my daughter too much, but I understand. I will never judge those people again.
Who knows when I will find myself again
I have no idea who I am anymore
Days become hours, hours become long minutes
I have no hope, no love, no peace
I have broken down every stability in my life
I am once again on the roller coaster, but not life
Of the unknown, of the unattainable
My foundations rocked and broken apart
Faith once held me together, but it’s shattered now
Who am I?