Today, when I saw this picture, I was once again reminded of last year and of the absolute confusion, longing and desperation I experienced.
It is not okay for a man to treat you like a piece of meat, a bank or a convenience.
Please don’t ever forget that. If he doesn’t treat you like he’s won the lottery, then move on!!!
I do believe it takes two to tango. I was so lost, emotionally vulnerable and longing to be loved, that I let a man treat me any way he wanted. And because I went along with it, I am to blame. Is that true? I believe it’s partly true, but manipulative people can give you just enough hope, to keep going back for more. and more. and more emotional abuse.
then that little detail
that little reality
that little act
that little lack
that little disinterest
that little word
that little silence
that little don’t care
that little reminder
that little meaning
that little difference
that little distance
that little affection
that little support
that little innocence
that little “what if”
that little conversation
Sometimes…sometimes…sometimes when you can’t say it. When words escape and you need to let it out, somehow music comes to help. Lyrics that speak so true, you can almost remember writing them yourself in your dreams. Tonight I have no words, but I have this song. This song is me. The piano so beautiful, soulful, sad. The words…so true..so applicable so beautiful and innocent. A song about my soul with sound that no words can express. I have become something I can’t express anymore
You are what they call the human season
You are all the alphabet in one
You are every colour of confusion
You are all the silence I’ve become
Love me for
I like those most
Damn the angry voice that keeps us quiet
The editor whose work is never done
Keeping pretty words between my teeth and
Sweet confessions underneath my tongue
Do I let you in
This is my invitation
But how do I begin?
She has such an awful lot of soldiers
Quite a lovely army all her own
Night and day they stand before the fortress
Very safe but very all alone
It’s been a strange week. A family member of mine was brutally murdered this week. Such a brutal act of hate. I have been struggling to come to terms with it. I feel so numb. I am on strong medication and even crying seems impossible at the moment. My parents have cried every day this week when I spoke to them. And I, I don’t know what to say, how to deal with it.
I have often wished for the ability not to feel and experience emotions this last year of my life and now that it seems my wish has been granted, I am horrified by my ability to continue as normal when the rest of my family is in mourning.
Yet another funeral I will be missing because I’m too far away from home and air travel is too expensive.
I can’t help but wonder when it will be my parents. When will the violent country that I originate from, claim them as victims too.
For the first time, in a long time, I wish I could cry. Cry for a mother torn from her family in a violent way. Scarred and hurt beyond recognition by two men with nothing but hate in their hearts.
He breathes life into me
Hot, fiery breath
I’m consumed by the flames
I love the burning, I want to burn
Desire takes control
I’m weak, no resistance
I go to a place of pleasure
Fireworks go off in my head
My body shudders
This is ecstasy
I try to draw him closer
He is only hot air
He has no heart
I try to reason with him
He has no mind
He is but an empty husk
The fire burns my soul now
It’s burning me away
My heart turns to ash
I have no heart left
I become a fire breather
You charm, you disarm
Everyone thinks you’re so kind
I fall under your spell
It’s the gateway to hell
I care, I even love
I lay myself bare
I give you my body, I open my mind
You say it’s not enough
I give you my heart
You say it’s a waste of my time
I try to leave, I’m in too deep
You show me just enough kindness
I hold onto the little bit of goodness
You refuse to believe
Instead you retreat
You recoil; you lift my hand from your body
Like it’s dirty
You refuse to kiss me, I even beg
You behave like a pig
I still love you
Why do people hurt each other? Why do two people who once were as close as can be, all of a sudden say the nastiest things under the sun to each other? Why do I get caught up in an argument that has no point to it but opening old wounds or totally nullifying the connection there once was?
Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus. It’s totally true. Men don’t always understand how emotional woman can be. Let’s face it. A woman feels in every situation. She attaches emotion to everything. Yes, I guess there are women who can be cold and heartless and use men for their one selfish needs, but I’m most definitely not one of them. I wonder if it will help to say to a man that when most, normal, caring, women, sleeps with you (not a one night stand), she feels something. For me it’s NEVER about physical gratification. I mean, let’s be honest. The female orgasm is not a given like the male orgasm, so surely it’s a given that sex for a woman isn’t about the orgasm.
Why would a man not believe you when you tell him you love him? Why would a man say things like, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll never leave you, this is not just sex to me, I’m not using you. And then one day, they change their mind. In an instant. I’ll never understand this. And the best is, the way they remember it from that point onward is that you KNEW. Surely you knew how it would end. Does anybody know how things will end? How anything will end?
This is not a sob story. This is my thoughts and the things I wonder about, because it caused me pain, and frankly, I don’t want to be hurt like that again. So I’ve come up with some solutions from the mistakes I’ve made and how to avoid the pitfalls of love.
Hope. It’s probably the best and worse thing. Never put your “hopes” on a person or “hope” that someone will change or come round. People don’t change. Not really. Actions change. People rarely do.
Don’t be afraid to stick to your standards and morals even if you convince yourself that you’re not doing it because you don’t want to lose somebody. Casual sex is not in my nature. Yes, I’ve had one night stands. It happens. I’m not going to punish myself for it and I know it’s not who I am.
When someone calls you things that you know you’re not, don’t respond. Don’t defend yourself. It’s not going to change anything. Rather, believe them and accept that this is what they always thought of you and nothing you can say in defense will change their minds. The worst thing is, you might say something back which is even nastier and if like me, you have a conscience and you’re not vindictive, it will eat away at you. No, just move one. People that thinks and brings out the worst in you, don’t belong in your life.
Don’t lend money to someone you’re in love with. I hate money. Unfortunately we all need it to survive. I will suffer and even give my last penny to a friend in need and they’ll never realise the sacrifices I make to do that. It’s difficult going against your nature, but I’ve learned that a grown ass man, should be able to look after himself and not take money from a woman. End of.
Never confuse words with actions or actions with words. If the two don’t agree, then there is something wrong. Trust me. A man can say one thing and do the complete opposite. And to justify this, you are most likely to be blamed for it if it goes tits up. You see, us woman are so good at influencing men. We can literally make them do things they don’t really want to do. Yeah right. That sounds more like a man that can’t stick to his words. Falling around and causing chaos. Don’t get caught up in the confused man’s chaos.
When you’ve been hurt be kind to yourself. I’ve been told to get over it. Get over yourself. And the worst thing is, I take it on-board and think I’m failing at dealing with this. I’m failing. But no. We are all different. We all deal with the shit in our lives differently. Rather, be kind to yourself. Feel the pain, let it out. Heal at your own pace however long it takes and know that it’s perfectly okay for you to feel emotions of hurt, anger and frustration. You are not unstable. You are a human being and on the other side of the healing process is a stronger, happier, wiser you! 🙂