New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Passion

They say that you can be alone, even when there are people around you. You can crave for something even when your every need is met. Restless heart, restless spirit. I am not an easy person to live with. I am not an easy person to understand. I go with what I feel 99% of the time. I am ruled by my passion, my feelings. Is this the right way to be? Is right the right word? Is there wrong in living by your passions? I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s the only way to live, but I do believe that my passion keeps my dreams alive. Without my passion I wouldn’t have any fight in me. I wouldn’t have a reason to get up and live. Live to the full. Take risks, look challenges in the eye and say, dammit, I will not give up. I just won’t give up on my dreams. I will never ever underestimate my worth again and settle for bad treatment. For the glass half empty, for the second best a person can give me.  I will not be hurt like I was. I will remember that I’m a fighter. I will know that the passion I feel helps me to help others. I’m passionate about people, especially the ones I love. I will walk through fire for my friends, my loved ones. I will take the clothes off my back and give it to them if they needed it.

I am passion personified. I have always been, I always will be. This is me and I don’t want to deny who I am. I want to embrace it.

 


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Return to innocence

Love, Devotion, Feelings, Emotions

Don’t be afraid to be weak

Don’t be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

It will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence

If you want then to start to laugh

If you must  then start to cry

Be yourself, don’t hide

Just believe in destiny

Don’t care what people think

Just follow your own way

Don’t give up and use the chance

To return to innocence…

Enigma – Return to innocence

 

I dug out some of my old CD’s this week. I forgot about this song. Now it kind of makes more sense than it did when it first arrived on the scene back in the nineties.

I was so moved by the words. So simple but so true! This is the truth. If there is one thing I want to instill in my child, it is to never ever ever care about what other people think of you. I wasted so much of my life worrying about other people and what they thought of me. So much time. I was too scared to speak my mind so many times. There is a way to speak your mind that is not disrespectful, but  the only way to stand firmly on your own two feet. I went about it in the wrong way. I would have probably not even been in those situations,  if only I believed in myself.

You can always return to innocence. You have never been too damaged, too unworthy, too ugly, to renew yourself. I found a way back.  From rape, from embarrassment, from great disappointment,  from failure, from abuse. I found my way back.

 

 

 


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Why do the things we do

Have you ever thought why we do what we do?

How many things, on a daily basis, do you do for yourself?

Work is obviously work, meaning working for a manager, a company. Even when you work for yourself, you are most probably selling something to people, so you are really working for your customers. If you weren’t, customer satisfaction would be low and you wouldn’t be working for yourself for much longer!

That’s 6-9 hours, depending on your working day. Then I get home, I cook for my partner and daughter, I tidy up, I am still doing the majority of what I do, for others. It’s an act of love, but still, not really doing it for myself. I can happily go without a cooked meal every night and play my xbox or read a book 🙂

Even shopping; I hardly ever buy something that’s just for me, accept for the necessities. I always think of my partner and what he would like to do, eat, drink etc. I always wonder if there’s something my daughter needs or if I need to get something for a friend or if it’s someone’s birthday soon.

Now, I’m not complaining, but I wonder if this lack of spending enough time and possibly money on yourself, can lead to some kind of pent up frustration? I find myself sometimes yearning in frustration for some quiet time to write or just..think. Even at the strangest of times.

I think it’s essential to spend time with yourself. Buy yourself that thing that you would get someone else as a gift, but never think of getting for yourself. Take a night off. Tell your family that on this night, you will come home and do nothing…haha…as if

I can already hear my daughter saying, “Really?? You’re going to do nothing?”

 

 

 


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Parking ticket…booo

If there is one thing I hate the most in this world, it is injustice. Nothing gets my back up like it. When I see people being taken advantage of, or taken for a ride, it just infuriates me.

I have been going to the same movie theatre for a couple of years now and always park in the same parking area. I have never paid for my parking because when I enter my registration details upon departure, it has always come back with 0.00 to pay. So great was my surprise when I received a parking ticket in April for not paying. I contacted the parking company (all via email – no calls) and explained that I have never had to pay and that I never take a receipt as it’s 0.00 charge. Their only response was to send me a photograph of the parking metre showing that a charge of 2.50 is charged every two hours. I definitely stayed more than 2 hours on each occasion, but it always told me 0.00 to pay. I explained this to no avail. The fine was for 100.00 and it just did my head in that I am expected to pay this amount for a charge that I was told is 0.00. I went back and took photos and this time I kept all my 0.00 receipts.

In principle, I refuse to pay this. I appealed and it was rejected, again the same photo of the charges board, used as evidence. On one visit, as I once again stood staring at the charges board, a couple approached and said they received a fine and they can’t for the life of them understand why, because they have always paid nothing after 18h00.

Today I received a letter from a debt recovery agency…the fine has been increased to 160 and if I don’t pay, I’ll be taken to court.

Why I’m writing all this, I would really like to know if I am being unreasonable? Why when the machine tells me I have 0.00 to pay would I give it money? The logic…there is no logic. Sooooo…I’ll be in court one of these days. A new experience for me, but still part of the adventure that is life. In the meantime, I’m accumulating 0.00 receipts…

🙂


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Calm

I lie on my bed, listening to the fan’s blades slicing through the warm air. I contemplate my life and how much I have changed in the last couple of months. A calmness I can’t quite explain, has become a part of my life, of me.

I consciously made some changes in my life, but a lot of these changes filtered into my subconscious because of the changes I made to my thought processes. I no longer sweat the small stuff. I don’t really get upset anymore. When I find myself in a situation where I feel I might lose control in any of it’s forms, I become aware of my breathing and I slow it down. I tell myself that each one of us, every single one of us on this planet, have our own struggles. Each person has a demon or two to deal with and today, maybe the other person’s demons are dominating them.

So, peace..where is this peace coming from? Acceptance. Only accepting your past for what it was, accepting your present and truly being in it, and accepting that the future is a mystery.  Nothing is certain. Nothing. Instead of letting that scare me, I accept. I turn the fear of uncertainty into a joy of what exciting untold stories that await. Yes, there will be sadness, regret, disappointment, but I know that the joy, fun and laughter will always shine through.

and I’ll keep breathing, in…out, slowly but surely.

 


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If you can’t then..

I went out exploring with my kid yesterday and discovered the most beautiful forest, a pond filled with waterlillies and the old ruins of what looked like pretty big estate from centuries ago.
I started thinking how amazing the world can be right under our noses.

How come it took me ten years to discover this place? I believe that we see what we want to see, or better yet, we see what we expect to see. This is how things are missed. We reach points in our lives where we think, this is it, it doesn’t get any better, or I have found what I’m looking for. But today I implore you, rather think, there is more to discover; my little world is small and I haven’t seen the rest of the world. Think big, look for the small, the inconspicuous, the hidden. This is where the adventure begins 🙂

P.S. In my opinion, scenes like this started the impressionist art form.

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