If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill

Oct 2015 this is when everything changed. I was happily married with no intentions of ever doing anything to jeopardize my marriage, but even the most solid relationships have acidic issues that can slowly erode the pillars that a relationship is built on.  Our biggest pitfall; sex. Yes, the drive that pulled us towards each other and that kept us going for many years, had slowly diminished to the point that once a year became the norm; then once every two years; then the long  drought of three years.

The Switch

The only way I can describe what happened next is ‘The Switch’. In reality it was a tipping point, but irrespective of that, a switch inside me was turned. I was rejected once too many times. My feelings for my husband was turned off, but a need to find and fulfill my needs were turned on. Little did I know that all my actions would have consequences, mostly emotional. I can honestly say that I was an emotionally stable person. I had many hobbies and kept busy all the time. I never had time to sit down for five minutes. I was confident and sure of myself.

Sex

I decided to find like minded individuals that would be interested in pure NSA sex. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just physical gratification, or so I thought. I didn’t even think that I was emotionally deprived as well. How could I? You seldom realize what you’re lacking until it presents itself. I was hardly registered on one of these sites when a man sent me a message saying that we seem to be after the same thing. I viewed his profile and I found him attractive. So began my first affair with ‘Rich’. Mr Rich was just that, well off, very comfortable and ‘happily married’ but craving for passion. We started off emailing at first. I became very well versed in sexting, learning as I was going along. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Typing intimate messages to someone you have never met in real life. We booked a hotel room three weeks in advance and so the anticipation of it all started to build up. It was like a drug and I was high; all the time. It consumed my thoughts, my days, my nights. I started loosing weight. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I would get up at 4 am to chat with him. I would go for long walks so we could chat. I was so caught up in the moment. It was exhilarating and exciting and yes, sexually fulfilling. My husband didn’t know. He was on his phone, playing games or watching a movie or series. I would go upstairs early to be alone and he would think nothing of it. I felt so sexy and wanted. I thrived on it. I was losing weight so started to buy new clothes – sexy clothes and lingerie. I didn’t have any, but I wanted to be even more sexy. I took lots of photos for Mr Rich and he returned the favor. I became lost in the fantasy…

Collapse and Confessions

Early November Mr Rich started withdrawing. He was still having sex with his wife and guilt started to eat away at him. I wasn’t feeling any guilt, in fact, I was annoyed by his guilt. How could he just ‘switch off’ like that? Ultimately I had to cancel the hotel booking and everything came crashing down for the first time. I felt devastated, rejected and unwanted again. At this point my husband started noticing the changes. I went out a lot more. It is also on one of these nights that I had my first one night stand with a man 20 years my junior and the first sex in three years. I didn’t plan it, I was a bit drunk and things progressed so quickly. Years of pent up sexual frustration came exploding out of me. I enjoyed it so much and all I could think was, I wanted more.  Following the collapse of my affair with Mr Rich, I started confiding in friends, searching for answers. I also told my husband. I couldn’t lie to him and I wanted out. I tasted freedom and all I could think was, I wanted out. It was a huge shock to him and he became very depressed. I told him he changed too much to accommodate me over the years. He lost his identity just like I lost mine. I reminded him of all the times I asked him why he never touched me, why he never spoke to me anymore. We decided to be separated, but continued to live under the same roof.

Phone Sex

And so my pursuit for sexual gratification drove me to various ‘dating’ sites. Easy hook ups disguised as dating sites. I started talking to a younger man that introduced me to phone sex. I had never even thought of talking dirty to a man on the phone, but it didn’t take long before I was loving it. I loved his voice, like silk stroking my body with his words. I had never been so turned on. We started maybe talking once a week, but one week in November we had a marathon and spoke every night. I would lock myself in my bedroom or sit in my car, or when my husband went out, I would be downstairs in the living room. I couldn’t get enough and I developed feelings for him. He didn’t want to meet me, even though he was only an hour away. This upset me and because it didn’t make me feel wanted or good enough to have real sex with, I tried to sever ties with him. It wasn’t too difficult on that occasion as I  met my catfish in Nov.

Catfish

This episode is the most painful and difficult to write about. I met two men on another site. My catfish and Mr Rocks (he is a singer in a band). Mr Rocks is a sweet man and I still have contact with him. We had sex once, but I couldn’t sleep with him again. Not because it was bad, in fact it was very good, but I felt it could ruin the greatness of the first time. I was in any case too busy with the catfish. He looked amazing (fake pictures), very attractive, nice age, and he wrote me love letters like no man has ever done before, or ever will I suspect. ‘Love’ like that can only exist in fantasy, but I was so naive. I hanged on every word he wrote me. And when he finally returned home, we spoke on the phone for hours. Not phone sex, just life and interests and passions. He told me he loved me beginning of December and even though logic told me this is not possible, I believed every word. I was so happy. He said he wanted to marry me, have children with me, take me on luxurious holidays, show me amazing places he had visited. Just your every day sociopath emotionally messing with his victim. I was blissfully unaware, until the day of our first meeting arrived. I went to the place we agreed to meet and waited. I’m proud of one thing in that I didn’t wait very long before I realized it’s not going to happen. I tried calling him, phone off. I tried again and again as my initial thoughts were, something happened to him. But nothing, no text, no call, nothing. I was absolutely devastated.  Reality came crashing down, and very hard. It wasn’t long before I felt anger. I took to my PC and wrote him a long email. What really hurt me most of all is that I told this man something that only a few people knew about me. When I was 19 and still a virgin, I was raped. Yes, my virginity was taken in the worst possible way.  This is another story for another day, but the fact remained I told him. His response was that he would never let another man hurt me again. So yes, I was angry! The email I sent was full of anger and disbelief at the way he stood me up without a word. That night I received an email from him with a long elaborate very detailed depiction of his visit to the emergency room. He also said that at long last he saw my true colors as I clearly have anger issues. I felt mortified. No logical thoughts that maybe he was lying, but no, I felt bad. I called him and the third time he picked up. I was so apologetic and felt so bad about the email I wrote him. He eventually forgave me and we spoke for hours. This was our thing, we could speak for hours and by hours I mean minimum two and up to four hours. So the affair continued, but now he couldn’t travel any time soon. I did have a period of doubt after this and I started researching things he had told me. For starters I couldn’t find his name or address online. Something seemed off, but by now I was so caught up in his lies and I so wanted him to be real, I started believing. Soon we arranged for our second meeting. He gave me his full address and that’s all we spoke about. What he was going to cook, what we were going to do etc. When I had his address, I decided to find out who lived there. It was Wednesday the 16th of December when I realized that it had all been a lie. It wasn’t his house. He didn’t live there. I confronted him via email, again very upset. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown and my world once again came crashing down. This time I was emotionally raped. I cried every day till the end of December. I was grieving for the loss of a relationship with a fake man. A liar. A sociopath. I couldn’t trust my instincts again, I couldn’t trust any man again.