New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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Secret of life?

The secret of life are secrets
Who you share them with
Why you share them
When you share them

For we all need a release
We all need an outlet

Showing just one person
Who you really are

What breaks you
What mends you
The conflicts you struggle with
The comforts you long for

Tell one person
And your life becomes simpler

The storm inside calms
Life becomes lighter

I believe that truly sharing.
Exposing the hidden.
Reveals a new beginning

Feel. Need. Cry. Laugh.
With no fear
Don’t hide. But also don’t reveal to easily.

NEVER lose yourself

Expect nothing
Give without receiving
Don’t give up on people you truly care for
No matter how they treat you
They are fighting their own demons

Everyone is struggling with a secret
Still left hidden, needing to be shared

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Today I visited the coast. I hardly spoke today. Maybe a laugh here a word or two there. I spent the day contemplating. What I’ve become. How I’ve become.
The sea speaks to me. It’s the part of nature that makes me feel more alive than any person can.

And then, standing on that treacherous cliff top, looking down at the sea, relentlessly smashing into the side of the cliffs, I found my peace. My safe place.

I have not seen anything so beautiful since May. The sun ignited the grass and turned it into pure gold. The sea, the bluest of blue colour. The sound of waves crashing into rocks. The smell of the salty air, hitting my face and making my hair curl :). The warm feeling inside, contrasted with the cold on my cheeks. The taste of my tears as they touch my lips on their way down.

All five senses, in overdrive. I left a bit of myself there today. I threw down the cliff, into the sea. In return, I’m taking a lot of myself back home with me.

I am happy. I am free… free from wanting to be something I could never be. I only want to be me. Embrace myself. Live again. Without fear.

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Nodus tollens


the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don’t understand, that don’t even seem to belong in the same genre—which requires you to go back and reread the chapters …



Either everything seems important or nothing does…I don’t know what will come. Re-reading my chapters I feel regret, but also a sense of accomplishing so much in short periods of time. How I overcame the tragic event that still haunts me. How I broke two hearts. How I gave birth to a little miracle. How I left everything I know for the unknown, not once, but twice.

Do I really want to relive, re-read some of my chapters? I will re-read but I don’t want to relive. May my adventure begin again. A new adventure full of promise, possibilities and unknown treasures.


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Today I’m feeling better. So much better. What I write; it’s a way of getting rid of my bad. My worst. I lay it down on the paper and it leaves me. It’s like a fire escape. Before the fire consumes me, I let it burn onto the paper.

I met with a close friend tonight. I’ve known her for three years. She is the most beautiful amazing lovely person. I love her so. I was telling her about my week. The ups and downs. More downs than ups. She listened and looked at me and said. I’ve just realised something about you that I never realised before. You don’t do anything in half measures. You do everything to the full. You love to the full, you feel everything to the fullest and then you fall in the worst way one can fall. She asked me if it didn’t scare me or even scare others that I feel so much, so intensely. I never realised this either. Maybe I scare people. She said she had never experienced anyone like me, ever. I’m so different.

What if I scare people…Is that my problem? How did I become like this? An extremist in a way. I am a very passionate person. Maybe it’s my star sign. Aries are known for their passion and fire. Have I been pushing people away with this behaviour? Do I overwhelm others? Do I need to change?

These are the questions that pop into my head. Should I really change for others’ sake? Or just reel myself in?

I have no idea. Who has all the answers? No-one does. For now, I can only be the person I am. You will either understand me or you won’t. But know this. If I have your back, you know you’re covered. I will lay down my life for the ones I love. I will fight and protect them as far as I can. I will be there when you need me. I won’t think twice. It’s who I am.

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Likely to have an unfortunate outcome. That is my love life. Doomed. I have given up on love. I truly have. I’ve been listening to a song from Bring me the Horizon called Doomed. It’s me. That’s how I feel. Men are vampires. They can have my heart. But they will never have me. Not the person I am. No opening up anymore. No sharing of thoughts or feelings.

It’s done.

This girl is gone

A gone girl

Raped, hated, mistreated

I dare you; try

To win my love

You will struggle

Like a fish out of water

You see

I once was

I once loved

I once felt

Now, what you see is what I am

Skin and bones



Cut off my wings and come lock me up Just pull the plug yeah, I’ve had enough Tear me to pieces, sell me for parts You’re all vampires so hereYou can have my heart

The world’s a funeral, a room of ghosts
No hint of movement, no sign of pulse
Only an echo, just skin and bone
They kick the chair but we, we help tie the rope

You can have my heart

So come rain on my parade
‘Cause I wanna feel it
Come shove me over the edge
‘Cause my head is in overdrive
I’m sorry, but it’s too late
And it’s not worth saving
So come rain on my parade
I think we’re doomed
I think we’re doomed
And now there is no way back

You must’ve made some kind of mistake
I asked for death, but instead I’m awake
The devil told me “No room for cheats”
I thought I sold my soul, but he kept the receipt

So leave the light on, I’m coming home
It’s getting darker, but I’ll carry on
The sun don’t shine, but it never did
And when it rains, it fucking pours
But I think I like it
And you know that I’m in love with the mess
I think I like it

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I’m not done yet…

When you don’t feel well, everything seems worse than it potentially is. I lost a best friend. I have been slowly losing him for months, but now he is gone. I have other friends. They are precious to me too. I think of them now and look forward to seeing one of them soon.

For now, I’m left crying, again. Trying to understand why a beautiful soul like me has to hurt so much.  Why do life insist on inflicting pain. Even in my joy, I am only left with pain.  I feel so empty. Like I’m nothing. And yet I know I’m something. Just a little  bit less than I was yesterday. I wish the world wasn’t so cruel. How can I be attractive enough, but as a person, the whole of me, I’m just not enough.

I think of killing myself more often now. Yet, I know I won’t do it. I don’t have the courage. It takes a lot of courage to take your own life. That means a small part of me still wants to live. I try to hang on to that.

I still have nightmares. I struggle to distinguish dreams from reality. Today is a nightmare and the sad part is, I will not wake form it. It’s reality. I have lost a soulmate.

I never want to love again. Only myself, Nobody else. EVER AGAIN. I promise this to myself , now. Love is only a fantasy to me. All my love poems are fantasies. I will not fall in love again. I will not be fooled by actions again. No matter how convincing. This is how the un-gettable  girl is born. Through hurt and loss. No-one will have me, ever again. I will not open myself up to another man, ever again. Men are cruel. Much crueler than women. They have to be, how else could they fight in wars, rape and use. Lie, when it suits them. Think insulting thoughts they will never tell or admit to.

There is only one that will have my love. He is the only one I will give it to. And maybe because I’m not in love with him, but rather I’ve come to love him for everything he is and for how he understands me. I know I will never lose him. I’d rather have him and my girl best friends than any boyfriend.

No, tomorrow I will get up early, go for a walk. See a new future. Look forward to new events.  Find new things to adore and laugh at. Find new meaning in life.  Find happiness in myself. I’m still alive. I refuse to give up.

And yes, I am an emotional being. I feel, I experience, I speak my mind, I don’t speak my mind and pent up till it explodes. Yet, I’m flawed in that way, but I guess, it takes the right treatment

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So I’ve reached my expiry date

Sooner than I thought

Quicker than I thought

More ruthless than I thought

Why do people take their own lives?

I can tell you.

I know why

Will I do it?

Never, for I’m not afraid to live

I have taken my risks, I’ve bared my soul

I don’t regret loving you

You however will come to realise

What you’ve lost

And that will hurt more

I feel sorry for you

You could have been so happy

But now you’ll never know

You’ve lost me forever and a day

Hope you enjoyed the ride

I have my uses, and you used me well

Now you can ride your next victim

Take care and move on

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I look at my thoughts. My mind. It’s a mess in there. Many thoughts, feelings all mixed with uncertainty and confusion.

Fear, sadness. My main emotions. No one falls in love with misery. While I’m in this state of mind, no-one can love me. I try to get away from these emotions. I so want to experience happiness again. I was happy, so very happy, not too long ago. But then it started to crack. My thoughts of unworthiness picking away at the happy thoughts. And now, not thriving, because I wasn’t built for this misery.
My true self hidden beneath layers of change. Every change took it’s toll on my mind.

I need to move again. Moving my body stops my mind from moving. When my body slows down, my thoughts speed up. I want to walk. I can’t wait for my holiday. I’m going back to a special place. A place where I feel free, alive and happy. My Eden. My paradise.

This new years eve I want to start fresh. No new years resolutions. Just going back to me. The person I was, always have been. The innocent, beautiful girl that smiles easily, that takes life in her stride. The one that anyone would be lucky to have in their life. The genuine girl that gives freely but also only accepts the respect she is worthy of, in return.

I will be whole again. Not because of anyone else. Because I miss me the most, and only I can bring me back to the land of the living.

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Driving down a familiar road
Overwhelmed by a sense of loss
Another family I gave up
More loved ones lost

I have labeled my life to death
I have closed myself off to feel

The butterflies are dead
The excitement is gone

I no longer love, I only exist
Where you left me is where I’ll stay

My hope like a smothered candle
Only a wisp of smoke remains

I walk no more
I dance no more

I’m ready to be used again
I have some use left still

So take me now baby
See if you can use me still
Before you move on
To pastures new


You’ll never know


You’ll never know how much you hurt me

Even if I write it here

Even if I say it to your face

You’ll never know


You’ll never know how much I cried

When you weren’t looking

When you were thinking, only of yourself


You’ll never know how broken you left me

While you were playing

While you were experimenting



You’ll never know how much I care for you

Because you weren’t looking

Because you weren’t paying attention


You’ll never find another like me

You lost what you never knew you had