New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

I’m not done yet…

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When you don’t feel well, everything seems worse than it potentially is. I lost a best friend. I have been slowly losing him for months, but now he is gone. I have other friends. They are precious to me too. I think of them now and look forward to seeing one of them soon.

For now, I’m left crying, again. Trying to understand why a beautiful soul like me has to hurt so much.  Why do life insist on inflicting pain. Even in my joy, I am only left with pain.  I feel so empty. Like I’m nothing. And yet I know I’m something. Just a little  bit less than I was yesterday. I wish the world wasn’t so cruel. How can I be attractive enough, but as a person, the whole of me, I’m just not enough.

I think of killing myself more often now. Yet, I know I won’t do it. I don’t have the courage. It takes a lot of courage to take your own life. That means a small part of me still wants to live. I try to hang on to that.

I still have nightmares. I struggle to distinguish dreams from reality. Today is a nightmare and the sad part is, I will not wake form it. It’s reality. I have lost a soulmate.

I never want to love again. Only myself, Nobody else. EVER AGAIN. I promise this to myself , now. Love is only a fantasy to me. All my love poems are fantasies. I will not fall in love again. I will not be fooled by actions again. No matter how convincing. This is how the un-gettable  girl is born. Through hurt and loss. No-one will have me, ever again. I will not open myself up to another man, ever again. Men are cruel. Much crueler than women. They have to be, how else could they fight in wars, rape and use. Lie, when it suits them. Think insulting thoughts they will never tell or admit to.

There is only one that will have my love. He is the only one I will give it to. And maybe because I’m not in love with him, but rather I’ve come to love him for everything he is and for how he understands me. I know I will never lose him. I’d rather have him and my girl best friends than any boyfriend.

No, tomorrow I will get up early, go for a walk. See a new future. Look forward to new events.  Find new things to adore and laugh at. Find new meaning in life.  Find happiness in myself. I’m still alive. I refuse to give up.

And yes, I am an emotional being. I feel, I experience, I speak my mind, I don’t speak my mind and pent up till it explodes. Yet, I’m flawed in that way, but I guess, it takes the right treatment

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