New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Conflict

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways of truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Conflict with others

I have been living an unfulfilled and unhappy life for a long time. Not just the past ten years, but way before that. On this journey of self discovery I have come to realize that I have never put my needs first in any of my relationships but also haven’t dealt correctly with the situations where my needs were not being met. You can only work on a problem once you acknowledge it. I have conflict issues. This is by far the biggest obstacle I face on the road to recovery and healthier relationships. I hate disappointing people or the idea of people not liking me. As a result I avoid conflict, even though I would easily say to people I’m a real fighter and that I will defend my views, but being argumentative is not the same as dealing with conflict in a healthy way. I have been avoiding conflict so effectively, I didn’t even know I was doing it until recently. I have a huge fear of being rejected. I convince myself that if they, especially people I love, knew what I actual needed, they will reject me. For me every situation always has a winner and a loser, but conflict management is not about achieving a victory. When someone I really care for gets upset with me, I want to run away. When I am upset, I struggle to deal with my emotions and they take over and I say and do things I feel mortified about the next day. My emotions are so out of control, I end up making statements that are so far from what my actual needs are, it’s scary. The worst thing is that I believe conflict will destroy a couple and not bring them closer together or even the closer a couple gets to each other, the less conflict there is.

Inner conflict

Inner conflict is that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. I have avoided it for so long it has become a festering sore. Instead of acknowledging my needs, I have made many decisions I felt at the time was ‘the right thing to do’ or the politically correct decision. By doing this continuously I never acknowledge my own core values and beliefs. Instead I end up with volatile emotions and reactions that are unpredictable, even to myself. I have no idea how to resolve these inner conflicts, but what I do know is that without resolve, I can’t move forward on this new road of self love and discovery.

I came across a site that I found very helpful. The first recommendation is to try and separate your true desires from your required desires. Required desires are created by a fear/lack based conditioning of the mind. How long have I been living with required desires? Many times I convinced myself that I needed something which I now recognize as based in fear or feelings that I lack things in my life. In order to identify my true desires, I need to find out who I really am as a person. Who am I really?


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A Dream

How I long for you and only you. Every minute spent without you feels empty. Thoughts of you fill me with equal measures of bliss and dread. When will life draw us together instead of pulling us apart? Thoughts of you occupy my days and haunt my nights. How can I break free, stop the fall. I give you cups of hurt and teaspoons of happiness. I run and push you away. I’m sure I’m letting you in, but walls are going up again. You expose me and hide yourself. Our worlds are the same but refuse to coexist.

Run away with me. Let’s find a place we can start from scratch. A place by the sea where the wind will blow our sorrows and negative thoughts away. Where the sand will crumble under our feet like the walls around our hearts.


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Lonely

Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled life – ELizabeth Gilbert Eat pray love

This quote is a revelation. I have successfully used men as scratching posts these past couple of months. Why wouldn’t I? I was out to get physical gratification, and yes, I don’t regret it. However, two men managed to use me, but not as physical scratching posts.  There is definitely a clue here for some of my deeper scars, the ones I try to hide. Neither of these men physically had sex with me, but yet, they hurt me the most. One a sociopath, emotionally manipulative and incapable of love, the other a player with most likely deep seated insecurities, but yet, very good at playing the game.  A sociopath is obviously much more dangerous than a player, but players can also say just the right things to entice you. Like a treat that is dangled just out of reach, he keeps you waiting for the moment he is magically going to start liking you and realize that you might be worth meeting in real life and most importantly more than just sex. I’ve had to simplify the situation for myself right down to the bare minimum. If a man is attracted to you for more than your sex, he will make a plan to meet you. Full stop. No more to say or think about or try to change.

As for the clue. How can two men I never met, hurt me so much? You would think having sex with a man who sees you as an object will make a woman feel used. However, it hit me tonight. I am very lonely and what both these men gave me, in different ways, was a means to pass the time when I’m at home and not out having emotionless sex. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to be comfortable with my own company. I’m not talking about withdrawing from people, that is a choice and normally a lot of pain and hurt is already involved. I’m talking about when you’re happy and content with being all by yourself, not knowing when you will be interacting with another person again. Not knowing if you will ever find love again, but still being happy and content. Which leads me to the next thought. I was very happy being alone for many many years. Many nights I only had my own company as my husband spent time on his phone or listening to music or just doing his own thing. I was happy and content, or was I? It took nine years for my brain to rebel. I was happy with myself, but I needed to be challenged. Unfortunately the concepts of love that I created for myself from childhood into adulthood are so misconstrued that my body went into overdrive.

Love is chemistry. The butterflies in your stomach, the feelings of being on a constant high, it’s all down to brain chemistry. Just like a heroine addict, you start to hang on to these highs. You start believing that this is love. It is scientifically proven that a man will fall in love with a woman where there is an increase of oxytocin levels in his brain, but that again is just chemistry. If you know what triggers this hormone, yes, you can manipulate a man into falling for you, but what do you achieve by doing this? Ultimately; heartache, unhappiness and hurt. Instead of focusing on love, why not focus on your emotional and intellectual needs. A man that connects with you on an emotional and intellectual level sees the real you. Not the physical you. You will get older and it will show on your face and your body, but your mind can stay as young and vibrant as you want it to be. A man that sees you for who you truly are, sees past the hurt and pain of the past and realizes that he has discovered a beautiful mind and kindred spirit. This is the kind of man you are blessed to find. This is when you realize that love pales in comparison to the soul. Wanting and craving for another’s soul, this is true love.

 

 


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Like this

I wake up in the dark
It’s quiet and calm
I hear him breath
I feel his warmth
How close is too close?
I move closer to him, he sighs..
Now I can feel vulnerable
He won’t see, he won’t know
I relax in this perfect moment
I move even closer, pressing my body to his
I can love him like this


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Young wisdom

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them

 Antoine de Saint-Exupery

My daughter, she is one in a million. Like all of us. Each one of us unique in our own way. Sometimes I think she can sense my self doubt and lack of self love because she has a knack for saying things that uplifts me.

Since her last birthday party, I have been labelled the ‘cool Mom’ by all her friends, even kids I don’t know. Children have always liked me and not some children, all children. I think it’s because I’m still a big kid at heart. I am very spontaneous and confident and because kids don’t judge as harshly as adults, I can totally be myself around them. When I picked her up on Monday from the after school club she was sitting with two class mates studying a picture of a diver swimming near what appeared to be a beautiful coral reef. I was told that they had to study the picture and write a story about it. Of course I immediately responded by saying it reminds me of the little mermaid and in true fashion followed by my rendition of ‘Under the sea’ – only a couple of verses. One of the boys said, ‘You have a cool Mom’. So later I asked her, why did that boy say you have a cool Mom. She replied ‘Well most mothers might say it reminded them of the little mermaid, full stop; but you, you sing the song too’. Then she proceeded to say ‘You are like a child, but yet responsible like an adult, that’s what I love about you’ Well, I wasn’t really sure if that was a compliment or not, but I took it. However, what she said to me this morning, really made me think. I was applying my make up when she approached me and asked ‘Why do you wear make up? You’re already beautiful’. I said to her, well, you love me so I’m beautiful to you no matter what I do. She then said, ‘Well, I’ve seen beautiful ladies, and they are beautiful, but you are different beautiful’. I was surprised by these words coming from a nine year old. So I asked, ‘What makes me different beautiful?’. She replied, ‘Your eyes, they laugh with your mouth. They are always kind and I can always see that you’re telling the truth’. If only she knew how much I needed to hear that. I’m cool and beautiful 🙂 Even coming from the mouths of children, I need to start somewhere.

When someone tells you, you are beautiful, amazing or ‘cool’, take the compliment. Children don’t compliment easily, and adults even less so. So even if only one person thinks you’re wonderful, accept it and believe it.


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Lies

The lies we tell ourselves. These are the worst lies you can tell. When reality becomes too much to handle, we lie to ourselves. Some of us are just much better at it than others. There are of course the people that don’t even live in reality. They live a lie. Reality has become too much of a burden. Traumatic event(s) from their past make reality unbearable so lying becomes a way of life.

I always try and tell the truth, but I find myself falling in the trap of lying to myself. I therefore try to do regular reality checks. It’s not an easy exercise because reality can suck. If only I started doing this much earlier in my life. First major lie is thinking that being raped as a virgin will leave no scars or won’t affect my whole life. It did and it does. I think the root of my failed relationships with men rests in this. I’m not sure if it can be fixed. Maybe I do need therapy. How do you stop yourself from seeing all men as users and abusers. Even the ones that really loves you. Second, lying about love. I’m not sure I do know what love is. Love between a man and a woman. Love that makes you want to fight for it and save it. I’ve never had the impulse to fight for a relationship. Most of all not with the men that loved me. Something is definitely missing from my concept of love. Third, lying about what I’m worth. I feel worthless and unworthy of anyone’s time, effort or love, but in reality, I am worthy. Even as broken as I am. This is the most difficult lie I have to deal with, because it will require me to love myself. I am not selfish, in fact I will give away everything I have for someone that I believe needs it more than I do. I will help anyone with anything and I won’t even consider the impact it will have on me, bad or good. That includes helping men please themselves. I always thought these are good qualities. To give and help unconditionally. However, if you don’t truly love yourself, you are merely giving the physical to people, you are never giving or showing them your true self. Self love is my biggest obstacle, has been since the rape. And it is a fact / reality that no one will ever truly love you, until you love yourself.

I have no idea where to start. How do I fall in love with myself?  Just writing it and I feel selfish, but I know it’s not. If only I could see myself through my friends’ and family’s eyes. My friends and family tell me how great I am, how loving, kind and giving I am, but it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I still have a lot to learn…


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Words

Words are powerful. They can make or break a person. Whispering words of wisdom can empower, encourage, uplift and help move someone forward. Choose KIND words to heal one’s spirit – Ritu Ghatourey

Words, so many words and sometimes so little. Why are we so scared of saying how we really feel or don’t feel? I tell you it is worse to not tell someone how you don’t feel than to spare their feelings and keep quiet. The absence of words is equally unkind as choosing kind words. There are those that want to remain closed, unwilling to share themselves with anyone, even the people they claim to care for. I’m an over sharer. I can’t be pretentious or keep it all in. I’ll explode. People know where they stand with me. If they don’t I was probably having a really bad day.

Having said that, I realize that I have said a lot of things to men these last couple of months that’s just not true. Yes, I lied a lot. I can therefore maybe not be too harsh on my catfish. I lied when I thought it was what the other person wanted to hear. Big error when it comes to being true to yourself. In doing so, I’ve left many men thinking I’m something that I’m absolutely not. Yes, I have physical urges, but I’m not the sex craved woman I’ve led some to believe. I wanted to please them and say the things I thought they wanted to hear. When I then suddenly wanted them to know the real me, they were left confused. It’s my own fault but lesson learned. Be kind to yourself, no matter what. Know what you want and don’t steer away from it, even if you really want that person to like you. It’s not worth it. It will only end badly. You only need the people that likes you for who you really are, in your life. Pretending to be something you’re not or liking something you don’t, will eventually become apparent. This only leaves a lot of confusion, feelings of being misled and you will only end up doubting your own needs and desires.

I have studied a lot of ‘dating’ rules and the does and don’ts of conversing with men. Don’t tell them too much, don’t tell him how you really feel until he does, don’t send him a message first, you’ll seem desperate. If he doesn’t text you, go into ‘no contact’ and even ignore him when he messages you. The list goes on and on. I don’t have the energy or time to learn these or even follow them. It’s time consuming and exhausting. I can’t be waiting for something that’s never going to happen. When it’s right, when it’s the right person for you, there are no rules. Just be yourself. If he can’t handle it, then that’s his problem. It’s not you. Everyone can’t like you, and that’s OK. The least you can do is present everyone with your true self. Don’t change for the sake of anyone. You will only make yourself unhappy and lose yourself in the process.

Here’s to stopping the bull shit and just being myself. No more playing along for his sake or trying to find, or worse, create love where there is none on offer.