New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways of truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Conflict with others

I have been living an unfulfilled and unhappy life for a long time. Not just the past ten years, but way before that. On this journey of self discovery I have come to realize that I have never put my needs first in any of my relationships but also haven’t dealt correctly with the situations where my needs were not being met. You can only work on a problem once you acknowledge it. I have conflict issues. This is by far the biggest obstacle I face on the road to recovery and healthier relationships. I hate disappointing people or the idea of people not liking me. As a result I avoid conflict, even though I would easily say to people I’m a real fighter and that I will defend my views, but being argumentative is not the same as dealing with conflict in a healthy way. I have been avoiding conflict so effectively, I didn’t even know I was doing it until recently. I have a huge fear of being rejected. I convince myself that if they, especially people I love, knew what I actual needed, they will reject me. For me every situation always has a winner and a loser, but conflict management is not about achieving a victory. When someone I really care for gets upset with me, I want to run away. When I am upset, I struggle to deal with my emotions and they take over and I say and do things I feel mortified about the next day. My emotions are so out of control, I end up making statements that are so far from what my actual needs are, it’s scary. The worst thing is that I believe conflict will destroy a couple and not bring them closer together or even the closer a couple gets to each other, the less conflict there is.

Inner conflict

Inner conflict is that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. I have avoided it for so long it has become a festering sore. Instead of acknowledging my needs, I have made many decisions I felt at the time was ‘the right thing to do’ or the politically correct decision. By doing this continuously I never acknowledge my own core values and beliefs. Instead I end up with volatile emotions and reactions that are unpredictable, even to myself. I have no idea how to resolve these inner conflicts, but what I do know is that without resolve, I can’t move forward on this new road of self love and discovery.

I came across a site that I found very helpful. The first recommendation is to try and separate your true desires from your required desires. Required desires are created by a fear/lack based conditioning of the mind. How long have I been living with required desires? Many times I convinced myself that I needed something which I now recognize as based in fear or feelings that I lack things in my life. In order to identify my true desires, I need to find out who I really am as a person. Who am I really?

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