I am always a different man; a reinterpretation of the man I was yesterday, and the day before, and all the days I have lived. The past is gone, was always gone; it does not exist, except in memory, and what is memory but thought, a copy of perception, no less but no more replete with truth than any passing whim, fancy, or other agitation of the mind. And if it is actions, words, thoughts that define an individual, those definitions alter like the weather – if continuity and pattern are often discernible, so are chaos and sudden change.”
Author: K.J. Bishop
When I read the word continuity I immediately think of it in a business sense. All businesses have a continuity plan that ensures the continuation of business as usual should some extraordinary event create such chaos that business can’t continue as ‘normal’. This made me wonder, how am I doing in that regard because a number of extraordinary events in a very short space of time has led me here, where I’m sat in front of my laptop, today. I am desperately trying to to re-connect with myself and identifying who I am and where I’m going with my life. Is the past, and re-connecting with a happier me, the key?
I used to be happiest on my own. I’m an only child so had many ways of entertaining myself. The only downfall is that I’m really skilled at conversing with myself. I have regular monologues and have to concentrate really hard not to talk to myself in public places. In front of close friends and family I don’t hold back. They are used to my monologues. I have however noticed that I can be pretty destructive towards myself during these. Years of negative input has definitely taken its toll. A very good friend told me to keep a diary of the good. This is what I’m aiming to do, starting today. I want the good thoughts to come back and slowly but surely start to banish the negative thoughts.
My actions have not been very proactive the last couple of months. I used to do and create a lot of positive things, but lately my actions are impulsive and instinct driven, primal. I can’t continue giving in to my primal instincts and just breathing, eating and existing day in and day out. I need to start doing the things I love again. I’m going to draw up an action plan and stick to it. This has to stop! Now, today. If it doesn’t I’m heading for a mental breakdown and I can’t afford it. I’m stronger than all the negativity I convince myself of. Positive actions from now on!
The words I speak without thinking…they hurt people. I can’t continue to hurt people with my words when I’m hurting. The worst is, I only do this with people I really care for. My best friends, my daughter, my family. I have some really bad passive aggressive tendencies and I know for a fact I never used to be like this. In fact, I was usually the person being hurt by others through their words. I was verbally bullied for five years in high school, my Mom is very good at dishing out the bad words and then there’s me. I am always telling myself off. Words can truly make or break a person. I need to find another way to vent my anger and pent up frustrations.
Exercise is where I’ll start. Instead of sitting and moping, I’m going to start walking and hoping 🙂 Spring is almost here and that brings new life and hope. I’m going to let this spring be my new beginning, and no reversing or looking back. I’m going to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. One day at a time, one step at a time