New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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the way you make me feel


love, passion, want, feeling complete, feeling cherished and special

I went out Friday night, dinner and dancing. Bottle of red, cocktails, happy drunk. I don’t drink often. I also know my limits. Happy drunk is the perfect point between too little and too much 🙂

Kissing in a dark corner of the club. Dancing to 90s rock and singing along to songs from my younger days, till I had no voice left. Just a big happy smile.

How I longed to be with someone that will take me dancing. I love dancing, I love music.

And I found him. Tall, big, manly man that makes me feel tiny in his arms. Twirling me, dipping me, kissing me, loving me.

Lazy Saturday, sleeping, cuddling, just being. Laughing… a lot! Every time he makes me laugh, I want to melt into him. The way he holds my stare for minutes on end. Beautiful brown eyed boy with perfect lips, perfect nose. I see the love in his eyes. I feel the love in his kiss. He makes me feel sensual, sexy, alive. How I wish I could bottle this feeling. I’d be a millionaire.

Amor vivam 🙂




Fire breather

He breathes life into me
Hot, fiery breath
I’m consumed by the flames
I love the burning, I want to burn
Desire takes control
I’m weak, no resistance
I go to a place of pleasure
Fireworks go off in my head
My body shudders
This is ecstasy
I try to draw him closer
He is only hot air
He has no heart
I try to reason with him
He has no mind
He is but an empty husk
The fire burns my soul now
It’s burning me away
My heart turns to ash
I have no heart left
I become a fire breather

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My heart


your heart

I have not written for a while. I almost feel guilty, I’ve let myself down. Through my writing I unravel my thoughts and myself. Picking them apart so I can clearly read and understand them.

My biggest life hurdle by far is coping with feelings and thoughts that I’m not prepared for, the ones that just ‘pops’ into my head when I least expect them. The feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling until they overwhelm me. They overwhelm, I react…bad or good, but because of all the life changing elements I have to deal with at the moment, mostly bad.

I need to rein myself back in. I give in to my feelings and I give in too easily.

There are three people in my life that have a major impact on my life. I trust them with my life and I’m not one of them.

One will always be there. Through the storms, the calm, the confusion, the clarity, she’ll be there. Forever…I find a comfort in that. She’s my best friend.

One is the wisest person I know. Full of life experience, broken and healed, lost and rediscovered. He too will always be there. I take comfort in that.

Then there is the one I can not write about. My thoughts too intimate, too intense to express. I lack the words, the english language does not possess the words. Unraveling us is not necessary right now. I embrace it for what it is and take comfort in it.

My thoughts do not define me. I am the person looking in at these thoughts; commenting and reflecting on them. Sometimes I go in too deep and I’m lost in them until they overwhelm me. Perspective can only be achieved when I remain outside of my thoughts. This is how I’ll trust myself again, trust myself with my feelings, dreams, happiness and most importantly, my heart. My heart deserves my utmost care and protection. It must not be given away to the first one that shows interest. I need to see the wood for the trees. Stop giving too much attention to the details and recognize what’s important in each situation. My heart is mine, and mine alone. I can’t let it be crushed and abused. It’s my biggest asset! From it flows my joy, my love, my pain and hurt.


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The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways of truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Conflict with others

I have been living an unfulfilled and unhappy life for a long time. Not just the past ten years, but way before that. On this journey of self discovery I have come to realize that I have never put my needs first in any of my relationships but also haven’t dealt correctly with the situations where my needs were not being met. You can only work on a problem once you acknowledge it. I have conflict issues. This is by far the biggest obstacle I face on the road to recovery and healthier relationships. I hate disappointing people or the idea of people not liking me. As a result I avoid conflict, even though I would easily say to people I’m a real fighter and that I will defend my views, but being argumentative is not the same as dealing with conflict in a healthy way. I have been avoiding conflict so effectively, I didn’t even know I was doing it until recently. I have a huge fear of being rejected. I convince myself that if they, especially people I love, knew what I actual needed, they will reject me. For me every situation always has a winner and a loser, but conflict management is not about achieving a victory. When someone I really care for gets upset with me, I want to run away. When I am upset, I struggle to deal with my emotions and they take over and I say and do things I feel mortified about the next day. My emotions are so out of control, I end up making statements that are so far from what my actual needs are, it’s scary. The worst thing is that I believe conflict will destroy a couple and not bring them closer together or even the closer a couple gets to each other, the less conflict there is.

Inner conflict

Inner conflict is that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. I have avoided it for so long it has become a festering sore. Instead of acknowledging my needs, I have made many decisions I felt at the time was ‘the right thing to do’ or the politically correct decision. By doing this continuously I never acknowledge my own core values and beliefs. Instead I end up with volatile emotions and reactions that are unpredictable, even to myself. I have no idea how to resolve these inner conflicts, but what I do know is that without resolve, I can’t move forward on this new road of self love and discovery.

I came across a site that I found very helpful. The first recommendation is to try and separate your true desires from your required desires. Required desires are created by a fear/lack based conditioning of the mind. How long have I been living with required desires? Many times I convinced myself that I needed something which I now recognize as based in fear or feelings that I lack things in my life. In order to identify my true desires, I need to find out who I really am as a person. Who am I really?

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Words are powerful. They can make or break a person. Whispering words of wisdom can empower, encourage, uplift and help move someone forward. Choose KIND words to heal one’s spirit – Ritu Ghatourey

Words, so many words and sometimes so little. Why are we so scared of saying how we really feel or don’t feel? I tell you it is worse to not tell someone how you don’t feel than to spare their feelings and keep quiet. The absence of words is equally unkind as choosing kind words. There are those that want to remain closed, unwilling to share themselves with anyone, even the people they claim to care for. I’m an over sharer. I can’t be pretentious or keep it all in. I’ll explode. People know where they stand with me. If they don’t I was probably having a really bad day.

Having said that, I realize that I have said a lot of things to men these last couple of months that’s just not true. Yes, I lied a lot. I can therefore maybe not be too harsh on my catfish. I lied when I thought it was what the other person wanted to hear. Big error when it comes to being true to yourself. In doing so, I’ve left many men thinking I’m something that I’m absolutely not. Yes, I have physical urges, but I’m not the sex craved woman I’ve led some to believe. I wanted to please them and say the things I thought they wanted to hear. When I then suddenly wanted them to know the real me, they were left confused. It’s my own fault but lesson learned. Be kind to yourself, no matter what. Know what you want and don’t steer away from it, even if you really want that person to like you. It’s not worth it. It will only end badly. You only need the people that likes you for who you really are, in your life. Pretending to be something you’re not or liking something you don’t, will eventually become apparent. This only leaves a lot of confusion, feelings of being misled and you will only end up doubting your own needs and desires.

I have studied a lot of ‘dating’ rules and the does and don’ts of conversing with men. Don’t tell them too much, don’t tell him how you really feel until he does, don’t send him a message first, you’ll seem desperate. If he doesn’t text you, go into ‘no contact’ and even ignore him when he messages you. The list goes on and on. I don’t have the energy or time to learn these or even follow them. It’s time consuming and exhausting. I can’t be waiting for something that’s never going to happen. When it’s right, when it’s the right person for you, there are no rules. Just be yourself. If he can’t handle it, then that’s his problem. It’s not you. Everyone can’t like you, and that’s OK. The least you can do is present everyone with your true self. Don’t change for the sake of anyone. You will only make yourself unhappy and lose yourself in the process.

Here’s to stopping the bull shit and just being myself. No more playing along for his sake or trying to find, or worse, create love where there is none on offer.

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My Poem

You can…

You can desire me
I’m already wanting
You can touch me
I’m already trembling
You can kiss me
I’m already anticipating
You can caress me
I’m already gasping
You can tease me
I’m already tethering
You can take me
I’m already quivering

You can’t…

You can’t hurt me
I’m already broken
You can’t use me
I’m already abused
You can’t open me
I’m already out of reach
You can’t read me
I’m already misprinted
You can’t keep me
I’m already lost
You can’t hold me
I’m already leaving
You can’t hate me
I’m already despised
You can’t love me
I’m already gone