New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

My heart

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your heart

I have not written for a while. I almost feel guilty, I’ve let myself down. Through my writing I unravel my thoughts and myself. Picking them apart so I can clearly read and understand them.

My biggest life hurdle by far is coping with feelings and thoughts that I’m not prepared for, the ones that just ‘pops’ into my head when I least expect them. The feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling until they overwhelm me. They overwhelm, I react…bad or good, but because of all the life changing elements I have to deal with at the moment, mostly bad.

I need to rein myself back in. I give in to my feelings and I give in too easily.

There are three people in my life that have a major impact on my life. I trust them with my life and I’m not one of them.

One will always be there. Through the storms, the calm, the confusion, the clarity, she’ll be there. Forever…I find a comfort in that. She’s my best friend.

One is the wisest person I know. Full of life experience, broken and healed, lost and rediscovered. He too will always be there. I take comfort in that.

Then there is the one I can not write about. My thoughts too intimate, too intense to express. I lack the words, the english language does not possess the words. Unraveling us is not necessary right now. I embrace it for what it is and take comfort in it.

My thoughts do not define me. I am the person looking in at these thoughts; commenting and reflecting on them. Sometimes I go in too deep and I’m lost in them until they overwhelm me. Perspective can only be achieved when I remain outside of my thoughts. This is how I’ll trust myself again, trust myself with my feelings, dreams, happiness and most importantly, my heart. My heart deserves my utmost care and protection. It must not be given away to the first one that shows interest. I need to see the wood for the trees. Stop giving too much attention to the details and recognize what’s important in each situation. My heart is mine, and mine alone. I can’t let it be crushed and abused. It’s my biggest asset! From it flows my joy, my love, my pain and hurt.

 

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