New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Let it go

convincing-someone-to-love-you

This is my last post for 2016. I want to put this year behind me. I want to let it go.

End of 2015 I met someone. We had a lot in common and yet we were very different. We had a connection and soon a friendship blossomed.

I had the awful catfish experience which I don’t want to go into but this friend supported me through it and helped me to get over it. I was vulnerable. I had experienced emotions with my catfish that I hadn’t experienced ever. I had also rediscovered my sexuality and I was struggling with years and years of pent up frustrations.

The world had changed a lot. I had changed. My twenty years of silence regarding my rape had been broken. I never thought that I suffered. Suffering to me is being abused, being deprived of basic human needs. That is suffering. I don’t see myself as a victim. In fact, I’m a fighter. A survivor. Telling this man about my rape was me opening up. I trusted like a child. I showed him all of me. My soul, my body, my mind. My thoughts, my conflicts.

He became my confidant and best friend. We became intimate and I fell in love. The last time I fell in love was 2002 – 14 years ago. I didn’t know how much the world had changed. That sex was now a way of passing the time. That sex was just sex. To me sex is so much more, especially when the person I’m having sex with is someone I feel a connection with. Someone I call a best friend.

I soon discovered that I was wrong. Sex didn’t mean the same to him than it did to me. I was confused. So confused. I didn’t understand how you could be that close to someone and for them to feel nothing.

So began many arguments. He always insisting that he wasn’t using me when I didn’t understand what the purpose of our relationship was. I was always too scared to lose him, so I would lie to myself and say, I can do this. He will come round. Surely. He is only confused as well and broken and a pessimist.

And now, looking back, I see him for the boy he is. A man wouldn’t have said what he said over and over again, and then kept doing what we did, over and over again. When we spent time together we were great, but as soon as we didn’t see each other, I would be needy and desperate. Two very unattractive characteristics. Two things I know now that will push any man away. But it’s what the neediness and desperation did to me that was so upsetting as well. I would get lost in my emotional turmoil and become this person I hardly recognised.

How could a sensible person like me become so irrational and change my mind so many times? On and on it went. I spent so much money on him. Weekends away, gifts, poems, songs. I even had a poem I wrote for him made into a song for his birthday. I even lend him money.  I became so lost.

What didn’t help my mental health at all is that whenever he tried to end the physical side of our relationship, he always blamed me. He would become so insulting. He would dig into my character. Tell me how I never listen. How tired he was of my emotions. How he didn’t believe how I felt. The kind best friend, would become a monster of blame. It ate away at my self esteem because I respected and trusted him so much, I started believing he must be right. I was doing this all to myself. Initially when the arguments started, I would fight back. Get angry. Say hurtful things too, but I always ended up forgiving him and believing I was wrong. The most confusing aspect of it all is that we always ended up having sex again. Now new arguments were added. I was always coming on to him. I was always seducing him. How could he resist? He can’t help he doesn’t want to be loved. He can’t help he is attracted to me. The blame was always diverted to me.

When this whole cycle began again in Nov, I fell into the depression. Reason? We had once again spent a weekend together. Hardly hours after him leaving for work I text him and I was so happy. I told him that I no longer cared what his intentions were. I knew what mine was and if all we have was like the weekend we just shared, I would be happy. He responded with the same as before. I don’t want more than friendship. I don’t want to sleep with you. This time it broke me. Depression, anxiety, anger, hurt. I just didn’t understand how we could have such a good time and then he tells me that hardly two hours afterwards.

I didn’t see him for two weeks. I was so low. I wanted to die. I wanted to know what is so wrong with me. I wanted to know how my body was good enough, but not the rest of me. I wanted to understand how he could make me feel so loved, but denied loving me. Was he just a good actor? Was he just the modern man? Is this the modern way? Men are allowed to have their way and blame the woman for everything afterwards?

It boils down to this. He never kept his word. He always said he didn’t want to be loved (by me). He didn’t want a relationship (with me). He always said he didn’t want the sex (until the next time we spent time together). I know now that if he really cared about me, even as a friend (best friend), he would have stopped the first time he said he wanted to. That’s what a man would do. That’s what a best friend would do.

In the end, it turned out he found someone else. He literally jumped from my bed into hers. It was the darkest moment for me. The knowledge of the true extent of his betrayal.

I can honestly say that I would never let him touch me again. Why would I? I wouldn’t have let him touch me the beginning of December if I knew he was already in love with another. It is kind of sick in a way. And she thinks she’s won. That this whole thing is her victory. Yes, I’ve had contact with her. And she was so smug and proud of herself and “her man”. I didn’t insult her once. Why would I? She had plenty to say to me. How weak I am. How I might be an over sensitive person. How I need to get out of my cage of suffering. How I should know that men are dickheads and assholes and that they will always take the sex when it’s given so freely. Yet she seems to fail to realise that this is the man she has chosen. A man that repeatedly used a woman for sex under the guise of being her best friend. Wow, he is truly a man to be proud of.

Lessons learned:

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, what he means is he doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU.

When a man says he is not good enough for you, believe it and move on.

When a man says one thing over and over but does another, don’t be confused by it. Don’t let it anger you, turn you into a psycho bitch. Let him go.

When a man says he is not using you and makes YOU feel guilty, he is selfish. Let him go.

When a man says you are his best friend, but you are never called that in front of anyone else, or never meet his other friends, or you are the only one he acknowledges it to, it’s a red flag.  You are not his best friend. My best friends know about each other. They have even met each other. I’ve met their families. If you are his secret, friend, lover, best friend, you are just that. A secret.

I never want to lose my way again because of a man. I do not want to let a man define who I am. I was so lost in 2016. May 2017 be my sober year. A year I can be proud of.

letting-go-is-growing-up

 

 

 

 


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Before 2016

I know 2017 has already started in some parts of the world, but for me it’s still 7 hours away. I’m not going out tonight, in fact I’ve started to enjoy my own company. I listen to my audio books, play games on my xbox (yes, I’m a gamer chick), watch a movie or go for long walks. I love walks enveloped by fog. Makes the world seem mysterious and exciting. Adventure waiting around every bend. It’s the things I don’t see coming, good or bad,  that injects my life with surprises!

And off course, I love writing on my blog. It’s liberating to have a release. To put thoughts on paper and share them. The thoughts I tend to struggle with and that I want to pour out of me, are the negative ones. Hence why my blog can appear to be centered around hurt, pain, unhappiness.

Now, looking back at 2016 it’s almost too easy to get caught up in the negative happenings this year. I’m an optimist by nature, a glass half full kind of person. I’ve been called many bad things this year, by one person in particular, This one person was my lifeline at times, but also the biggest trigger that pushed me into a dark depression again; not once but twice this year.

As an only child, I’m extremely independent and also a bit of a perfectionist. I am my biggest critic. I have spent many hours trying to understand how I let the events of this year affect me in such a myriad of ways. How my emotions became so unstable, like a small little sailboat, in the middle of the ocean, with no way of fighting the storms and winds that hit me. Yes, the sun shone and there were peace at times, but the storm always returned.

Looking inside with the help of meditation and desperate to find answers, I looked at my timeline and realised that I was a ticking bomb that exploded in 2016.

1987 – 1992 high school.  I was bullied and very much a loner. I was content though. I would much rather read than go out. I devoured books. Any topic, fiction, non-fiction. I had and still have such a wide range of interests. I had many dreams and decided to study medicine.

1993 – 1997 university. My dreams of becoming a doctor didn’t work out. I discovered freedom and the social joys of being a student. Far away from home where nobody knew me; I could be myself without any pre-existing opinions and judgments from my fellow students. I studied microbiology instead.

The turning point came when I was raped. A large part of my hopes and dreams of meeting a special man and having a happily married life and children, changed that day. I had only discovered boys shortly before I was raped. I had my first kiss when I was 19.

In 1996 I met my first husband, two years after my rape. I fell in love. It happened fast. So quick. I thought, this is it. I wanted to be loved and he definitely obliged. He was a gentle man. For a year or two everything was great. It was a long distance relationship.

1998 – 2004 My first husband proposed in 1999 when we finally started living in the same town. At this point I had started working already and was a manager with a lot of potential to climb even higher on the corporate ladder. I ended up in finance as work in microbiology was scarce at that point in time. My then fiance, was freshly out of university. We had grown at different speeds and in different ways. My intuition told me that we were no longer that perfect match I thought we were, but I kept ignoring it. My body must have tried to warn me too as I started having panic attacks. Pretty severe ones. For no apparent reason. I thought the rape was well behind me. I was embarking on a new life. I was doing very well career wise. What is causing this?

We were married in 2000 and divorced in 2001. I was on anti depressants. I had also met someone at work that I was very attracted to. So I went straight from a failed marriage into an affair. It was very physical. Not a lot of emotional ties there. Not a lot in common. I guess in hindsight, your typical rebound. I was having fun I thought.

2006 – 2015 baby years. In 2006 I fell pregnant and we decided to get married. I was three months pregnant when I said “I do” for the second time. High on pregnancy hormones and dreams of a little baby, I was happy. I never thought I could get pregnant. Then the birth. It was like being raped again. The way I was physically hurt, it hurt me in almost exactly the same way I was hurt before. Nothing could prepare me for this. How was I to know that childbirth would rewind my body back to the darkest period of my life.

It took about a month for my maternal instinct to kick in. I was too hurt and scared. But when it did, I was right as rain, I thought. The next 8 years was dedicated to my daughter. I gave her all my love, attention, time, energy. My husband did the same. We drifted apart. We hardly spent any time alone. We were exhausted. We lost each other. We couldn’t have sex. We had so little in common, apart from our daughter, that “conversations” were either disagreements or sitting next to each other on our phones.

At the end of 2015 I remembered that I was a person. I had needs. So many. I neglected my emotional needs to the point where I didn’t even know I had emotions or desires. I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was that I was more than just a mother

 

 

 

 

 


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Sober

Just when I think I know,  I have another sobering moment tonight. I have learned yet again that assumption is the mother of all f**kups. I don’t like to swear on my blog, but this is what my very first manager and mentor used to say to me. And boy, was she right.

Have you ever thought someone was beautiful, young, full of life and promise? You look at her and think, I wish I was her? You assume that she is this perfect creature. Until you see what’s underneath all of it. I assumed I was the loser in many ways.

My view of the world is that no person is better than another. No matter what your class, colour, religion or upbringing. I don’t think I’m better than anyone. In fact I see my faults, I know them well. We all need to breath to live. We shall all die. We are unified by this.

We can’t all like each other. It’s impossible. Diversity is the spice of life. We all have our pasts and our stories and moments that made us what we are. Events that formed us, molded us. No person can claim to truly know another. We have thoughts that will always remain just that. Our thoughts alone. I write about my hurt and thoughts on here, but I can assure you, you only see a part of me. This is not all of who and what I am.

A lot of people try to control others. And when they do, they have power. I know when one person in a relationship has more power than the other, it is set to fail. A relationship is a partnership. Co-pilots.  I know that a lot of woman and men are weak. They don’t believe in themselves, so they are easily controlled by others. Sometimes they know they’re allowing it, sometimes they are blissfully unaware. Some thrive on it because growing up and taking control of their lives is just too difficult or they don’t posses the life skills to do it so they seek the controlling partners out.

Tonight I learned yet again not to assume. That things may appear to be perfect, when in fact, they are far from it.

I am humbled and grateful for the person I am. Not because I think I’m better. Because I don’t seek to control or be controlled.

 

 

 


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The future

I can’t believe there are only three days left of 2016! Wow, it feels like just yesterday the world was getting ready for the turn of the century. I was at a beach party new years eve 1999. I’ll never forget that night. The excitement..the year 2000!

Have you ever noticed some of the references made in the past, be it music or movies, with regards to the future?  For example the date that Marty McFly travels to in the future. Never has a date been photo shopped so many times. First it was 21 Oct 2012, then 2013, then 2014 , 2015 & 2016. The year was in fact 2015. And the things that he sees in the future? Self tying shoe laces & hoverboards. Flying cars…I wish.

How about 2001:  A Space Odyssey. Wow they had a manned spacecraft travelling to Jupiter.

The song 2525 –  we are a long way away from that date.

I wonder how long this earth will survive. There are probably a number of people that has already calculated this. What I know is that small things can have a huge impact. The honey bee for example. If it were to die out, it will have major implications on our world.  That’s just one insect. Melting of polar caps, rising sea levels, pollution, over population, super viruses. And then there is the hate in the world. Hate can destroy. Even on a micro level it destroys friendships, families, people. On a macro scale there are countries with weapons of mass destruction, be it nuclear or biological. And we know there is hate between countries based on religion, culture, wealth. It’s so sad.

Hate is complicated. Love is simple. Compassion is becoming a commodity that few possess. Respect. Do we truly respect each other anymore?

Technology has surpassed our humanity

 

 


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Dicksand

Last night after a long chat with an old friend and an unexpected call from another in the USA, I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. So, 12 midnight I decided I’ll watch a movie. I’m not usually a fan of silly, unrealistic movies about love and relationships, but decided to watch “How to be single”. Wouldn’t take a lot of brain energy to watch and I was hoping it would make me sleepy and/or I will fall asleep watching it.

It has the usual love & relationship themes that a lot of Hollywood movies deploy and re-explore from different angles, but one thing stuck with me.

SPOILER ALERT – if you want to watch this film, don’t continue reading

One of the messages of the film is that you can lose sight of who you are when you get caught up in love or the illusion of love. This phenomenon is described as “dicksand” in the movie. One girl accuses the other of falling into this guys dicksand whenever he is near and then completely forgetting what she actually wants or needs. She realises that her friend is right when an old boyfriend comes back to her and claims that he misses her. They almost have sex, but he makes the mistake of telling her that he is engaged to be married, but because he misses her, he is not sure what to do.  This prompts her to have a sobering moment and she stops things from progressing as she realises he is only looking for one last f**k. Now this is a good guy. He comes across as that typical good guy and you view his intentions as good. It’s like the movie draws you in to fall into his dicksand too. But then you realise, like she does, that even the best of guys have the potential to act selfishly, especially in the heat of the moment.

I fell into dicksand. Many times this year. A good guy. I trusted him so completely. Then, he had sex with me little more than a week before declaring his undying love and future with another girl. So I think back to this scene in the movie. The only difference, the guy in the movie told the girl he was engaged and she stopped.. My good guy said nothing. I didn’t even know he was looking or involved with anyone else.  Scary…is a relationship that starts like that ever going to work? Well, I guess it depends on the girl and the behaviour she is comfortable accepting. I lost sight of what I want and need. The dicksand got me.

Now, I have been talking to someone for a very long time and even more so recently.  We have become closer and when I admitted my dark thoughts and negativity to him, he didn’t reject me or try to change me, or try to advise me. Something he said to me meant more to me than I ever thought possible. I have never befriended a man that didn’t want to have sex with me. I am a very sexy, sensual woman. Not spoken out of vanity. I just am what I am. When this man said he would rather spend hours talking to me than engage in sex with me, it was one of those KA-CHING moments. To be valued for more than my physical appearance, it means so much to me.

I don’t overthink things anymore. No use. I’m in the now. Living, enjoying, being happy.

This man’s words reminded me of what I’m worth and not to get lost in the dicksand again. I need a man that can see beyond the physical me.

 

 

 

 


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Safe

soulmates

 

You make me feel safe

Not from the world

From within

You open yourself

You share yourself

I didn’t ask

You can’t help it

Our souls are the same

We are bound by more than love

We understand without words

You are beautiful to me as I am to you

You love my imperfection

I love the way you express yourself

 

Safe I know I’ll be

In your loving arms, I’ll see

What love can be