Today the Light of the world was born. I am alone today, but I’m not sad about that. I’ve had a tough year. But the important thing is that I’ve seen the light. I’ve seen past the sheep skin and recognise the wolves hiding inside.
This is a cruel world. Why? Because of cruel people. People that are crueler than you can ever imagine. I’m not talking about criminals. I’m talking about those that don’t do anything that is against the law, but they get away with emotional abuse and treating others badly. They prey on the vulnerable, the insecure, the childlike innocent people, like me.
I’ve been hurt more than I can possibly explain in words by people like this. One in particular. I got mixed up with the master liar this year. One who hid behind lie after lie and one truth. This one truth his only defense. All young ladies, listen to me. Don’t let a man ever tell you you’re not good enough. Don’t let your love for a man forgive his actions, his behaviour. Don’t let love blind you to see what you are hoping to see. Please, only accept the one that tells you you’re beautiful, that treats you like you’re a priority. If he ignores you, he doesn’t care. It’s so simple. It’s so simple. Love is not complicated.
He will no longer hurt me. I am so happy that I’ve seen the light. I’m continuing my walk of freedom. I rejoice in the light.
Today I woke up, looked in the mirror and thought, I’m beautiful. I woke up this morning from a long dream. A year long dream. I’m awake world, I’m awake!
What a year. I have destroyed, rebuilt, destroyed, rebuilt, re-invented, re-discovered, loved, hated, died and most importantly, LIVED!
My emotions are once again under control. Yes, be it with the help of some pretty strong meds, I feel in control again. I feel so much more focused. And more determined than ever. I feel life running through my veins. Excitement, promise. A new year lies ahead and I am walking towards it with my eyes wide open.
What can I say? Do I have words of wisdom to impart? I don’t know. Everyone has to go on their own journey, find their own way back to their equilibrium. What I can say is that there are some amazing bloggers on here. I’ve read a couple of entries that have made me think. Planted that seed of hope. The feeling of being united with others, be it through pain and struggle or happiness and new possibilities, has really helped me.
What I feel the most today is FREE! I feel so free. I am not bound my anything or anyone or any emotions or any feelings of guilt or regret. I’m free again
I’m ready, I’m keen! Watch out world. I’m going to make a difference
You won’t live a victorious life if you’re always reliving what didn’t work out, who hurt you or the mistakes you’ve made. The reason it’s called the past is because it’s done, it’s over, it’s history. Now do your part and let it go
I received this quote this morning from a family member and I realised that once again I stand at a junction. One where I can choose to continue as I have been, or choose to let go and go another direction, leaving the road behind me, behind me. Letting it go.
It’s not an easy thing to do. Not by any means. But I guess this brings to mind another quote – “Change happens when the pain of staying the same, is greater than the pain of change”
I’m therefore grateful for this junction. It’s not a dead end. I have options. I am not stuck on a one way or a highway of desolation. I can change direction. I can choose another way.
Me…My name starts with an I. I am I. Unselfish, ever caring and understanding. Broken yes. By circumstances. By that which I can’t control. Maybe the secret is in my initial. I am the only one that can make I better. I run out of courage, but then I find it again. I lose hope, then I find it again. Up and down. I has a problem. Where do I start to fix it? Or maybe it’s not about fixing at all. Not about looking or hoping. Not about searching and questioning. I’ve come to know it’s not about any of these things. None of these things will make a difference. These are all on the outside.
Inside the fire is still burning. Inside the change will come. Inside the acceptance lies. Inside the hurt is. Inside the healing must be.
Take heart dear girl
Your heart was broken
And yet, you found a way to love again
You didn’t realise
You didn’t think it possible
Your heart, so unguarded
A heart so tender and kind
Time to take your heart back
You are brave, so brave
You are special
You are different
heart, you will be whole again
When I think my heavy heart and soul will drag me down, I still find the good. The good things in a world that has grown more darker, selfish and sick. There is good. The message from a person telling you they are broken too. They are struggling too. The special moments with a person that you love with all your heart. The fog covering the world outside. Walking in that fog and seeing the little droplets of water forming on your fringe. The moon shining bright and big. The feeling of accomplishment when your fingers play your favourite instrument. The escape you find in reading a book. The caring look in another’s eyes. The hugs, the kisses. The way someone touches you in a way that comforts you and tells you, you are important. Yes, even making myself vulnerable and opening up to another, even when they don’t recognise how much courage it takes.
There is still good in me. There is still good around me.
I long to be free
Free from this black drape
Free from the constraints
I put them there
They are wrapped tight
Suffocating, restricting… Me
I cut into my skin
I feel the pain
It helps for a minute
Then it’s back
The blackness inside me
Making my insides turn
Like the time life told me
I’m going to be sick
The anxiety tearing holes
On the inside
I take a drug to replace life
To stop myself from feeling
Still not free
If I’m left free to feel
I will die
Freedom is feeling
And I can’t be allowed to feel
No way of coping
No way of changing
That which life told me
The sea calls her
Will she forget?
The sound of his voice
The touch of his hands
The soft look in his eyes
His tears drew her closer
Their tears will soon unite
Dust to dust
Salt to salt
The sea calls her home
Friends & Family? Obvious choice, but no. I am thankful for my capacity to forgive. I don’t hold grudges. I harbour no ill feelings towards others. I can get really angry, don’t get me wrong, but I always try to understand and even when friends tell me to walk away or give up, I will always forgive.
I don’t find it difficult. Maybe it’s a gift. Maybe it’s stupidity. Maybe even foolish and possibly detrimental to myself. Whatever the case might be, I will always forgive.
I have even forgiven my rapist. Just like me, he also has to live with what he did. But not as the victim. He might have turned his life around. He might not. I would like to think the first is true. And if he has, he is feeling the guilt of what he did and he has to live with it for the rest of his life.
I forgive friends that don’t understand or lack the capacity to fully comprehend what I’m currently going through. It’s not their fault that they don’t understand.
I forgive the friends that have turned their backs on me. Yes, nobody knows my faults and short comings better than I do, therefore I can understand a friend reaching the point of not having the energy to deal with me anymore.
I forgive the ones I love the most, for hurting me the most, because I hurt them too. I forgive the words spoken in anger because I speak them too.
I’m thankful for my forgiving heart.
I started reading a book about self esteem. Reading it tonight my eyes were opened by the explanation of what self esteem is. Without quoting the entire book, it states that we assign value to events from our past and these values, influences how we see ourselves.
This is really the core of my self esteem problems. The thoughts I have with regards to events from my past and the value I’ve assigned to them. I just read a post that talks about acceptance and how thoughts and the state of mind you put yourself in, is not permanent but fleeting. Just a moment. How I feel now, but tomorrow there will be different thoughts and a new state of mind.
I seem to have started the really bad process of focusing on bad events from my past. Thoughts of these events. Replaying these events in my mind, like a kind of groundhog day movie mind experience.
But for every one bad event, there are a hundred good ones. There is! I have so many happy events to remember to help rebuild my thoughts. To get out of groundhog day and get to independence day! Will Smith is much cooler than Bill Murray, accept for Ghostbusters 🙂
Events I loved. Many many happy events growing up. Family reunions, holidays at the seaside. Graduating with my entire family there and a killer party with the cousins and friends afterwards. Being promoted to office manager and leading a large team of amazing people with whom I grew and came to love. Receiving a reward for my work and leadership. Moving to a new country and discovering new cultures and ways of living. The birth of my daughter and how her face was the most beautiful, perfect thing I’d ever seen. Making decisions, hard decisions, but in the hope of a better life. Making friends that will be with me for the rest of my life. Being strong enough to accept where I am and that I need help.
These are the events that shaped me and are still shaping me. These are the events that I will focus on and build myself up again.