New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Newness

newness

It’s not easy taking responsibility for your actions. Especially when you know you acted out of anger or sadness. It’s not easy finding out that someone you love and care about, betrayed you in the worst way. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I let someone treat me this way. Allowing it, because I didn’t think I deserved better. There is no excuse. No matter the lies and deceit, I don’t want to stoop to that level again.

Newness. There is always a new blank page ahead. Today, the present. The present IS a present! The one we get to open every morning when we wake up.

I realised today that living in the present is the only way. Experiencing the now, and finding the happiness in it. Mundane tasks like cleaning the house becomes a joy 🙂

There is always a way out. I felt trapped, but I always had a choice. It was just a hard one to make. When it comes to difficult decisions, I know I’m capable of making them. It’s time I start believing in myself again and forget about the self doubt and disrespect that was planted there by another over a period of time. I am not what others call me or think of me. I know who I am. I know my heart. I know my intentions.

This week I have lots planned. I’m excited and looking forward to exploring and discovering new places & faces. Life is a gift.

To all my friends reading my blog, thank you for being there for me the last two weeks. I reached out to you in my time of need and you didn’t let me down. My true friends stood by me. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Love you.

 


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Manifestation

shady-people

 

Friendship was just an illusion…with a benefit

You lied to me, no set communication boundaries

Your reflection of your own behaviour, another waiver

 

Did you provoke a lie?

Why do you hide behind your lie?

Something more or something less, I guess

I walk the way I choose, you lose

Alone…my journey

I live not a lie

 

If ever there comes one

Never false, I will give way to what’s true

Unlike you

Winter fell upon my soul

I’ve found me, I am free

I am leading now, not blind

 

In your shame you will cry

Drop your hand, and live your lie

 


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Liars

lies-2

 

There are two main reasons people lie. First because of fear. They believe they won’t be accepted if they told the truth. I told the truth and was rejected so I know that this is a real fear. People that lie out of fear can learn to tell the truth, but until they do, you will never be able to connect with them. Truly connect.

The second reason is because they are selfish. These are the pathological liars of this world. The dangerous ones. It’s not easy to to spot these ones, but when you do, run!

Do people really understand what they are doing to other people when they lie? It makes the person that’s being lied to feel bad about themselves. You don’t feel respected or cared about. When you realise the extent of the lies, you feel like a fool. Like you’ve been tricked and deceived.  When you are getting to know someone and you give them parts of your heart, only to find out they lied, you know that you gave, and they held back. Once you see the lies, interaction becomes difficult. You feel betrayed and broken.

Depression, anxiety, self harm, thoughts of suicide. There is no way I can explain to anyone what goes through your head when you suffer from depression. The worst is when people that know better, that’s either experienced it for themselves or even written books about it, will now use your mental illness as a weapon against you. This is when you realise you’re dealing with true evil.

I’m saddened by the actions and words of people, especially the ones that claimed to care. That claimed me as their best friend. But then, I’m a survivor, a mother, a daughter, a friend, an amazing person. Your words can’t change the truth. The truth is what it is. The truth shall set you free! And it has. I’m free 🙂

 

 

 


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Light

seeing_the_light

Today the Light of the world was born. I am alone today, but I’m not sad about that. I’ve had a tough year. But the important thing is that I’ve seen the light. I’ve seen past the sheep skin and recognise the wolves hiding inside.

This is a cruel world. Why? Because of cruel people. People that are crueler than you can ever imagine. I’m not talking about criminals. I’m talking about those that don’t do anything that is against the law, but they get away with emotional abuse and treating others badly. They prey on the vulnerable, the insecure, the childlike innocent people, like me.

I’ve been hurt more than I can possibly explain in words by people like this. One in particular. I got mixed up with the master liar this year. One who hid behind lie after lie and one truth. This one truth his only defense. All young ladies, listen to me. Don’t let a man ever tell you you’re not good enough. Don’t let your love for a man forgive his actions, his behaviour. Don’t let love blind you to see what you are hoping to see. Please, only accept the one that tells you you’re beautiful, that treats you like you’re a priority. If he ignores you, he doesn’t care. It’s so simple. It’s so simple. Love is not complicated.

He will no longer hurt me. I am so happy that I’ve seen the light. I’m continuing my walk of freedom. I rejoice in the light.


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Keen

new-beginning

 

Today I woke up, looked in the mirror and thought, I’m beautiful. I woke up this morning from a long dream. A year long dream. I’m awake world, I’m awake!

What a year. I have destroyed, rebuilt, destroyed, rebuilt, re-invented, re-discovered, loved, hated, died and most importantly, LIVED!

My emotions are once again under control. Yes, be it with the help of some pretty strong meds, I feel in control again. I feel so much more focused. And more determined than ever. I feel life running through my veins. Excitement, promise. A new year lies ahead and I am walking towards it with my eyes wide open.

What can I say? Do I have words of wisdom to impart? I don’t know. Everyone has to go on their own journey, find their own way back to their equilibrium. What I can say is that there are some amazing bloggers on here. I’ve read a couple of entries that have made me think. Planted that seed of hope. The feeling of being united with others, be it through pain and struggle or happiness and new possibilities, has really helped me.

What I feel the most today is FREE! I feel so free. I am not bound my anything or anyone or any emotions or any feelings of guilt or regret. I’m free again

I’m ready, I’m keen! Watch out world. I’m going to make a difference

 


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Junction

junction

You won’t live a victorious life if you’re always reliving what didn’t work out, who hurt you or the mistakes you’ve made. The reason it’s called the past is because it’s done, it’s over, it’s history. Now do your part and let it go

I received this quote this morning from a family member and I realised that once again I stand at a junction. One where I can choose to continue as I have been, or choose to let go and go another direction, leaving the road behind me, behind me. Letting it go.

It’s not an easy thing to do. Not by any means. But I guess this brings to mind another quote – “Change happens when the pain of staying the same, is greater than the pain of change”

I’m therefore grateful for this junction. It’s not a dead end. I have options. I am not stuck on a one way or a highway of desolation. I can change direction. I can choose another way.


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I is for…

Me…My name starts with an I. I am I. Unselfish, ever caring and understanding. Broken yes. By circumstances. By that which I can’t control. Maybe the secret is in my initial. I am the only one that can make I better. I run out of courage, but then I find it again. I lose hope, then I find it again. Up and down. I has a problem. Where do I start to fix it? Or maybe it’s not about fixing at all. Not about looking or hoping. Not about searching and questioning. I’ve come to know it’s not about any of these things. None of these things will make a difference. These are all on the outside.

Inside the fire is still burning. Inside the change will come. Inside the acceptance lies. Inside the hurt is. Inside the healing must be.