New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust



I’m good at helping people. I always have been. I’d like to think I encourage others, or used to at least.
Now it’s I who need encouragement. There is such a big difference between encouraging and trying to change a person.

I am very much misunderstood in that regard. When others try to tell me what to do, I block, I withdraw, I isolate. Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe when you already think so little of yourself and someone points out how you need to change, it doesn’t encourage, it destroys.

There is not much left of my self image. I seem to lose little bits of it every day. More so recently than other times. It’s the many times I have been reminded that what I’ve invested in, I’m not good enough for. What I’ve given, is not enough. What if you gave everything you have and exposed yourself and made yourself vulnerable, only to be told you’re not special enough, not right enough. What then? You start to doubt yourself. Every time it happens, you doubt a bit more, until you doubt everything about yourself.

I’m building myself up from nothing. I know I’ll get there. I sometimes wish and hope for someone to hold my hand and help me through it. But that’s life. We are ultimately alone in it. So tougher than ever is how I will come out the other end.

Please encourage each other.

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And here I am on the fourth letter of the alphabet. Determined. That’s a word I would have always always called myself.

I’ve always been determined to do my best, be the best Mum, be the best friend to others. But lately, I’m failing.

I read other stories on here. I see how people have had it much worse than I have or ever will. I see people overcoming and succeeding. I find friends no longer have patience or understanding. And I grow tired of explaining or trying or living.

I don’t want to be negative. It’s like an uncontrollable force within me. I see the beauty all around, but no longer inside me or even on the outside. My face, my body, my soul. Not ugly, but not beautiful either. No matter what people say, I don’t see it. Why? I don’t know. I wish I did.

So, determined I will try to remain. It’s somewhere, I hope, within me. Underneath the garbage and baggage and hurt and disappointment in myself.

I can’t help but cry for that girl I used to be. The one I lost. I guess I’m building a new me, but many more tears to cry, for how long does it take to mourn the loss of oneself.

Tomorrow is another day

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Variation on the word sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary

Margaret Atwood

I wasn’t well today and slept most of the day. Now I’m awake and I remember the above poem. I used to read a lot of poetry. In fact I looked forward to English class as a student so we could read and dissect another poem. Poems are powerful. They can invoke feelings or say things that speak to you in a clearer way than the directly spoken words people use when conversing.

The last paragraph. How beautiful, how powerful. Saying that you want to be as necessary to another’s life as air is, but at the same time, unnoticed. Unnoticed in that you don’t bring burden or effort, but that being with you, is effortless.

My poems have meaning too, but I am not as good at hiding the meaning within subtle alliterations and similes. It’s a way of expressing with words that which I can never say out loud. I had a dream today.  My Mum was standing next to my bed. Speaking urgently. I couldn’t hear. I kept asking how did she get here? It felt so real. She was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t make out the words. Just recognised her voice.

Sleep, bitter sweet

Fleeting, yet hours have passed


Thoughts decide to overwhelm

When dreams wish to rule

A nightmare intrudes unexpectedly

A walk, a terror, a word

A scream that never resounds

A person standing next to your bed

Urgent message

Not intended to be heard

But felt, I did

What is the meaning of our dreams?

Merely a mirage of our deepest

hopes and fears







C is for…

Colour. You might wonder why colour? Have you ever “assigned” a colour to something like a day (blue monday common one) or an emotion (love is red) or anything really. I do. Like love; for me it’s grey. Because love is never straightforward, it’s never black and white. Or time; for me it’s white. Because time only moves forward. Not backwards. Therefore time is the present and the future. A blank page, waiting to be coloured. And as life happens, I colour it.

My recent timeline has been painted with dark colours. Black, dark blue, brown, mauve, with little dots of green and red scattered at random. Times when someone told me something profound or went out of their way to support me, to comfort me. Yellow is my favourite colour. It’s warm, vibrant, the colour associated with the sun. I’m very much like that when I’m at my best. A warm vibrant, kind and considerate person.

So why would I be grateful for colour? Because without it, I would just be a blank page, but with it, I’m more. I’m  still alive. I’m still using my imagination and turning what was predominantly a dark world, into a brighter one. And hopefully, I bring some colour to the lives of others too.


B is for…

Country Boy, City Belle™_ To all my BFFs!.jpg


Bestie. My best friend is a crazy, interesting and just overall amazing person. And so is his Mum. I can probably write a book about him ( maybe I should!?) and there are many things I can say about him and our friendship.

What I can say without a shadow of a doubt is that he has been there for me at my darkest hour. He has supported me and have shown more patience than all the saints combined. He is not perfect, but he is the perfect best friend for me.

I’m grateful, lucky and blessed to have a best friend like him.

Love you dude!

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I have lived some decades now and there’s a lot about what I want that I don’t understand and what I don’t expect a lover to understand. We all live in our own version of the truth and this is the cause of a lot of miscommunication. Perhaps we sometimes try to communicate one thing, and he reads something else. It’s possible isn’t it? Because isn’t the articulate the killer of the erotic? Isn’t the whole point that you don’t know what your lover will do next? That you give yourself over to a sensory experience that you hadn’t planned and can’t control. The reason I like sex is that I finally, for a moment, can turn off my neurotic mind and just be consumed. If I give my lover permission, yes, no, touch me, not there… don’t I undermine the potency of his desire?  – the affair



I love this quote. If I was articulate enough, this is exactly how I would describe the perfect sexual encounter. And I’ve experienced it this year. I used to think that voicing your needs during intimacy is the way to go, but since I’ve experienced the non verbal experience of being consumed by the moment, I don’t ever want to go back to the verbal form. Like the quote says, there are many things I want that I don’t understand and that I never thought a lover would understand. However, I found that I can let my desire flow through my body and let it communicate exactly what I want. Without understanding.

Yes, I am a sexual creature. My journey with sex started badly. Went uphill for a time and then the drought of ten years. Then I awakened again. I don’t want to be ashamed of my awakening. No, I don’t want to share my body with just anyone either. I am not planning on having a promiscuous lifestyle. I still view the sexual act as sacred in a way. Only because I give so much of myself. I’ve been touched the right way. I’ve experienced heights of pleasure, releasing me from the outside world and giving me a safe place to be. Where I don’t have to hold back or pretend. Where I can just have that sensory experience.

In many ways, I was raised to be ashamed or shy of my sexual needs and desires. I was taught not to talk about it. Not to say what really turns me on. Even writing this post, I feel like I’m revealing too much. But, It’s a part of who I am. My sexual desires and fantasies are very much  a part of me. It doesn’t govern me, but it is part of that primal, instinctive part of me. True attraction can’t be manufactured or created. It’s there, or it’s not. I’ve had many lovers in the past twenty years. Well, probably not that many by today’s standards, but I can honestly say that this year has been an awakening. After twenty years I have finally experienced that which is so perfectly voiced in the above quote. Being consumed by the moment. I don’t regret it. I embrace it. Cherish it.


New beginning

I don’t know why, but maybe it’s days of moping, crying and just being miserable, that’s finely taken it’s toll. I’ve decided it’s about time I get my act together and return to being ME!! One of the bloggers I follow has inspired me to start a challenge. Working through the alphabet and stating something I am proud of, grateful for etc. Basically shifting the focus from the negative the positive. I refuse to continue feeling so hopeless. And NOT because of a man, a job, a new house or new clothes / hairstyle, because I finally realised that the key to my happiness is within me, and ONLY ME!

So, starting with A. I’m proud and grateful for my Abilities.

I have so many abilities that makes me who I am. I have the ability to learn things super quick. It’s not just that “quick learner” comment to put on your CV; no, I pick things up pretty quickly. Especially in my job. I’m proud of it and it helps me stand out.

I have the ability to listen. To really listen to people. Feel and experience what they tell me. Don’t get me wrong. I can talk till the cows come home, but if a friend or stranger or my child needs me to listen, I listen. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. They don’t want the answers to all their questions, they just need to talk and get things off their chest. What a gift that is. And I’m happy to gift that to anyone that needs a sounding board, be it to vent or just to think out loud.

And then finally as I don’t want to inadvertently cover the whole alphabet when I’ve just stared with A,  I have the ability to love, unconditionally. I am definitely a lover, not a fighter. I don’t like discord. I know there can’t always be harmony, but if I tell you I love you, you will see it, experience it, know it. I love with my whole being, be that the love for a friend, family or that special someone.

Right, so I’ll be back tomorrow to talk about B 🙂