the truth that you’ll find will always be
The truth you hide

the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear

Collective Soul, How do you love

Collective Soul is one of my all time favourite bands. Listening to this song today and more specifically these words, made me think.

There are many ways the lyrics can be interpreted, but to me the truths we hide are our gut feelings or intuition.  Our brains are complex and I believe it picks up on things we don’t immediately recognise, be it body language or things that are said that we choose to ignore because we refuse to accept the truth. The brain picks up these subtle clues and processes it. Subconsciously we know what the truth is in most situations, but we refuse to go with our gut feeling. I found hidden truths these past months that were hiding for years, even as long as most of my life.

This is where true friends can give you an objective opinion because they have nothing to lose like you do. Which brings me to the next thought, why are we so scared of loss? Yes, the loss of human life is never easy or desirable, especially the people you love and care for. I had a dream last night that one of my friends died. I woke up almost in tears. If you ever want to find out how much someone means to you, imagine them dying. How you react will surprise you, I guarantee it. However loss doesn’t always have to mean losing a person to death. It can be losing a person through the break up of a relationship. I think most people have had their hearts broken. It’s probably the second most painful experience you can have. I remember when the man I had my first affair with (first marriage) ended things out of the blue and without any warning. I remember crying, sobbing, begging. Eventually, realising that he was not going to change his mind, I decided to drive home. Two hours later, driving through blurry, teary eyes on dangerous roads, I arrived home. My parents didn’t ask questions, they could see I was very upset. They just held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I got up, went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to cut my face with scissors or shaving blades. I ended up cutting my hair off instead. I stood there in front of that mirror and started hacking away at my hair. I had beautiful long curly hair. My Dad must have heard my sobs because he stormed into the bathroom and grabbed the scissors from my hand. The damage was already done though. His initial reaction was that of anger. He asked me why? What or who could be worth all this?  I told him I hated myself. Yet, later that day, I drove back to my house, and I was back at work the next day. I never gave myself time to heal, I just threw myself back into work and carried on.

The words you fear will always be the words you hear. Not sometimes, always…really? I think this is probably the case when it comes to love and as the song is about how we love, I am confident it doesn’t apply to everything in life. A self fulfilling prophecy. This is what it is. I never heard this term till recently when a friend told me to stop thinking negatively. I think as human beings, filled with hopes and dreams but at the same time equal amounts of fear, we can easily see the negative instead of the positive. You are what you eat, so then I  guess, you act as you think? Even when you are trying to be the most positive person in the world, if your inner thoughts are negative and fearful, it will show through your actions. These actions will push people away, even if you think that’s the last thing you’re doing. So, what do you have to lose by being positive, or at least trying to be positive as often as possible? Nothing. So the conclusion is, think positive and you will not lose, but if the situation starts to make you feel negative, accept that the subsequent loss, isn’t really a loss.

I’ve had such a good week and I only made one conscious decision every day and that is, do not let your emotions control you.

Emotions are good at the right times, but being emotional all the time is just not healthy. I realized this the hard way. I’m at peace and I plan on staying here. When my thoughts run away with me, I real them back in.

The only constant is change. I never liked change, I feared it. Now I embrace it and allow it to excite me rather than scare me. Change is inevitable, both the changes we make in our lives as well as the ones that hits us like lightning, you don’t know when or where it will strike, but it will bring about change.

I have to say thank you to one dear friend that has opened my mind to recognize the deep seated root of my emotional anguishes and failed relationships. Not only has he revealed within me the hope that I might still find true love out there in the world, but also that I have so much to offer and so much potential. It takes a unique connection for one human being to open another in such a devastating, yet necessary way. I can honestly say that no therapy could have achieved what he did when I was at my lowest.

And so, a new chapter starts. One that I have no plan for. I’m not overthinking, I’m not analyzing. I’m going to be myself, love myself and appreciate every moment, even the bad ones, because life is indeed very short and before I know it, I’ll be gone. What I want people to remember about me is only one thing. She lived her life without fear. Fearless is the way I’m going to live. Fear only steals precious energy. Fear holds us back from finding out what we really want. Fear clouds the mind and keeps the potential locked inside. Fear has been added to my fuck-it list.