New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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What do I do to escape when life overwhelms me. I used to cry, get angry, feel like crawling out of my skin. Basically go crazy.

Now I walk. I listen to music while I walk. If I need to let go of emotion I listen to songs that mirror the emotion. I used to steer clear of songs that would amplify the emotions I am feeling, but now I find it helps. I listen, I cry, I talk to myself and try to find a place of logic.

I walked up my favourite hill today to watch the sunset. I cried on my way to the top. I walked past a bench placed halfway up the hill for a very well known member of the community that passed away last year.  I cried as I realise that there will be no bench for me from a loving husband of 30+ years. I’ve made peace with that. I’m no longer interested in getting married. Not for a third time at least. When I reached the top my tears were done and the sunset was magical. I chatted with my Mom and aunts. I cherished the view and laid down on the bench on top of the hill. I escaped. I have great expectations.  I’m at peace.



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Self worth has always been a struggle for me. It has greatly improved these past six months but I’m reminded at times that it is an active process for me. There is nothing I would like more than to put my past behind me permanently, but I can’t deny that my thought processes after my rape definitely planted a deep rooted sense of unworthiness inside of me. It’s like a weed. They look small on the outside but they have roots that goes deep into the ground. You think you eradicate it, but leave a little bit of root behind and it will just come back up in a couple of weeks’time. This has been a constant battle especially when I’ve let the weed grow and didn’t even bother pulling even just a little bit out. I plan on getting rid of this weed. It only brings doubt and turmoil. Two things I’m getting very tired of.

I always viewed self-love as an arrogant concept. The way I was brought up, my Mom’s insecurities and almost an internal stop mechanism have been the biggest stoppers I’ve had to deal with. Understanding love in itself is already a pretty complex thought process. There are so many different kinds of love. How do you know when you are actually experiencing love? I’ve always associated love with giving, and more giving. Never taking. But what if love in its purest form is actually self love? Giving yourself the best you can, putting yourself first and not tolerating anything less than what you know you’re worthy of? I have become good at not being bothered what others think of me, but I find that there are a handful of people whose opinion matters greatly to me. Maybe I should start from square one. I should also stop worrying what this handful of people think  of me. Should what they think really change what I think about myself? Definitely not, but it’s not so easy to accomplish.

I still don’t trust my own feelings. I’m so sure, in fact I’m 100% convinced, but then one thing happens and that sureness falls away; my instinct becomes like cobwebs. Easily broken and flimsy. Am I just a “responder”. People react towards me, I respond. They see how I respond, they take advantage or perceive me as weak. This is a tough cycle to break. I almost start to think that there are times to truly be dead inside. Ignorant, nonchalant, oblivious.  I’d rather be decisive; therefore not letting people’s reactions determine my decisions, but rather make a decision because I know that’s what is best for me.

One thing I’m very tired of is people analyzing me. I don’t want any therapist, friend or family member to tell me what I should and should not be thinking. I don’t want a therapist or any stranger telling me what my worth is.

What am I worth? I have talents and skills that many people have complimented me on. I’m healthy, I’ve lost a lot of weight and I feel good. I did start smoking again, but I’m determined to stop again.  I have strengths. I can really engage with people and see their qualities. I have a very analytical mind which is great for work. I have an ideal job, an ideal place I would like to live but no idea if these will fulfill me. Am I still working on what fulfills me or am I just trying to fulfill others’ needs because I believe that will fulfill me? So many questions.

One thing I do know is that I need to stop making my worth conditional on other people. It’s exhausting, it hurts, it is destructive. All my instincts are shouting at me to get away and disappear, but I know this is not an option. I have a daughter that depends on me. In a way she is saving me from fully letting go of my life. I can’t run away, I need to face it. One of my strengths is my positive, fighter attitude. I will not give up. I will conquer myself and find the new path. A path that will lead me further away from my past, the thoughts of others and towards a new attitude and love for myself.


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Posted by Sadlove Story at 8_13 AM

There is a man I know. He makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been for a very long time.

He is a true friend and confidant.
I can just be myself around him. I don’t have to plan what I’ll say or worry what he’ll think of me. We accept each other’s broken pasts and recognise each other’s faults. He doesn’t define me and I don’t define him. We compliment each other. I’m a better person when I’m around him.

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He has seen my tears and he has comforted me. His arms is the safest place I know right now.
I wasn’t looking I wasn’t expecting, yet I found exactly what I need. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

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Dead Inside

Dead inside __ by Pure-Poison89 on DeviantArt.jpgI long to be dead inside. What freedom. No more feelings. No more cares. Like Estella from great expectations. Cold and calculated. Pretty on the outside, dead on the inside.
No man will hold any power over me. I can be ruthless without blinking an eyelid.
No person will be able to hurt me. No more tears.
My heart will be so hard, nothing could break it.
Is this not the way to be? I’ve never considered this, until now.
I’m tired of feeling. I want to stop and die inside so I can live a new way

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Dark Matter

Tuesday, August 31, 2010.jpgThe unexplained sadness
My body is tired, my mind confused
I long for something with no name
There is a living thing inside my soul
I feel it, looking through my eyes
My dark side?
It makes everything look grey
It weighs me down with confusion and sadness
It attaches itself to my happy thoughts and crushes it
What is this dark matter that sucks the joy from my heart
I’ve seen glimpses of it before
I hate it
I want to destroy it
Does everyone suffer with this or do I suffer alone?
Can there only be light or is this darkness a necessity of life
Tears wash some of the dark away, leaving dark stains on my cheeks
I cry for the nameless want, the mystery craving
Will the sun of a new dawn make it shrivel away?
Be gone dark matter, please let me be

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The middle ground

The middle ground. That place of perfect equilibrium. My goal, the place I would like to be and stay in for longer periods.
The bottom is the worst place to be. Everything that doesn’t float, sinks to the bottom. It almost feels like everything is grounded naturally. Why else does gravity exist? Surely everything sinks or falls or ends up at the bottom because of this basic earthly force. So learning to float like a flying creature can be tricky or so you think. There are things that can make you fly higher than any bird. The emotions that carry us so high, we lose sight of the ground and that’s also not good, although it feels great in the moment.

I have floated high, but I’ve been to the bottom many times, too many times.

Interaction with others create these highs and lows. So logic tells me that only by myself can I reach the middle ground.
This is true to some extent and I am working on achieving this. However some people’s natural middle ground are so close to mine that spending time with them doesn’t make you high or low. They just match. These are my closest friends and the ones I tend to turn to when I’m too high or too low. Their interactions with me brings me back to my middle ground.
True friends are the ones that balances you perfectly.

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MAX_ Dissecting Society_ Silence is goldenEmbracing the silence, the quietness

Silence is good when it’s stays true to its word
The rebellion of silence against its nature brings chaos
Silence can scream
It shouts louder than a thousand men

The mind that never thinks nothing is a troubled mind

But even from chaos, order can be created

How do I escape the loud silences?

By hearing the noises that are silent

Wind blowing, birds singing
Water running down a hill
Waves crashing, rain falling
Soft breathing
Children playing
A busy road in the distance

My silence is not inside me

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The truth about loss

the truth that you’ll find will always be
The truth you hide

the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear

Collective Soul, How do you love

Collective Soul is one of my all time favourite bands. Listening to this song today and more specifically these words, made me think.

There are many ways the lyrics can be interpreted, but to me the truths we hide are our gut feelings or intuition.  Our brains are complex and I believe it picks up on things we don’t immediately recognise, be it body language or things that are said that we choose to ignore because we refuse to accept the truth. The brain picks up these subtle clues and processes it. Subconsciously we know what the truth is in most situations, but we refuse to go with our gut feeling. I found hidden truths these past months that were hiding for years, even as long as most of my life.

This is where true friends can give you an objective opinion because they have nothing to lose like you do. Which brings me to the next thought, why are we so scared of loss? Yes, the loss of human life is never easy or desirable, especially the people you love and care for. I had a dream last night that one of my friends died. I woke up almost in tears. If you ever want to find out how much someone means to you, imagine them dying. How you react will surprise you, I guarantee it. However loss doesn’t always have to mean losing a person to death. It can be losing a person through the break up of a relationship. I think most people have had their hearts broken. It’s probably the second most painful experience you can have. I remember when the man I had my first affair with (first marriage) ended things out of the blue and without any warning. I remember crying, sobbing, begging. Eventually, realising that he was not going to change his mind, I decided to drive home. Two hours later, driving through blurry, teary eyes on dangerous roads, I arrived home. My parents didn’t ask questions, they could see I was very upset. They just held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I got up, went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to cut my face with scissors or shaving blades. I ended up cutting my hair off instead. I stood there in front of that mirror and started hacking away at my hair. I had beautiful long curly hair. My Dad must have heard my sobs because he stormed into the bathroom and grabbed the scissors from my hand. The damage was already done though. His initial reaction was that of anger. He asked me why? What or who could be worth all this?  I told him I hated myself. Yet, later that day, I drove back to my house, and I was back at work the next day. I never gave myself time to heal, I just threw myself back into work and carried on.

The words you fear will always be the words you hear. Not sometimes, always…really? I think this is probably the case when it comes to love and as the song is about how we love, I am confident it doesn’t apply to everything in life. A self fulfilling prophecy. This is what it is. I never heard this term till recently when a friend told me to stop thinking negatively. I think as human beings, filled with hopes and dreams but at the same time equal amounts of fear, we can easily see the negative instead of the positive. You are what you eat, so then I  guess, you act as you think? Even when you are trying to be the most positive person in the world, if your inner thoughts are negative and fearful, it will show through your actions. These actions will push people away, even if you think that’s the last thing you’re doing. So, what do you have to lose by being positive, or at least trying to be positive as often as possible? Nothing. So the conclusion is, think positive and you will not lose, but if the situation starts to make you feel negative, accept that the subsequent loss, isn’t really a loss.




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I’ve had such a good week and I only made one conscious decision every day and that is, do not let your emotions control you.

Emotions are good at the right times, but being emotional all the time is just not healthy. I realized this the hard way. I’m at peace and I plan on staying here. When my thoughts run away with me, I real them back in.

The only constant is change. I never liked change, I feared it. Now I embrace it and allow it to excite me rather than scare me. Change is inevitable, both the changes we make in our lives as well as the ones that hits us like lightning, you don’t know when or where it will strike, but it will bring about change.

I have to say thank you to one dear friend that has opened my mind to recognize the deep seated root of my emotional anguishes and failed relationships. Not only has he revealed within me the hope that I might still find true love out there in the world, but also that I have so much to offer and so much potential. It takes a unique connection for one human being to open another in such a devastating, yet necessary way. I can honestly say that no therapy could have achieved what he did when I was at my lowest.

And so, a new chapter starts. One that I have no plan for. I’m not overthinking, I’m not analyzing. I’m going to be myself, love myself and appreciate every moment, even the bad ones, because life is indeed very short and before I know it, I’ll be gone. What I want people to remember about me is only one thing. She lived her life without fear. Fearless is the way I’m going to live. Fear only steals precious energy. Fear holds us back from finding out what we really want. Fear clouds the mind and keeps the potential locked inside. Fear has been added to my fuck-it list.



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I contemplate my invisible scars
They carry the visible scars on their bodies
Mine I can hide from the world
The world sees theirs and judges them
I live comfortably, always wanting more
They carry their possessions in a bag, wanting to be human again
My life is complicated
Their lives are simple, trying to survive is all they know
I complain and cry
They accept, they don’t cry, life is too hard to be soft
I have hopes and dreams
They live in the hopeless realm
The are the unworthy, shunned by many
Yet, they teach the most valuable lessons
Their lives, living testimonies of hardship, anguish and wrong decisions
Spirits broken, empty shells, just beings
Compassion is what’s needed
Only compassion can join the human with the being