New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Escape

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What do I do to escape when life overwhelms me. I used to cry, get angry, feel like crawling out of my skin. Basically go crazy.

Now I walk. I listen to music while I walk. If I need to let go of emotion I listen to songs that mirror the emotion. I used to steer clear of songs that would amplify the emotions I am feeling, but now I find it helps. I listen, I cry, I talk to myself and try to find a place of logic.

I walked up my favourite hill today to watch the sunset. I cried on my way to the top. I walked past a bench placed halfway up the hill for a very well known member of the community that passed away last year.  I cried as I realise that there will be no bench for me from a loving husband of 30+ years. I’ve made peace with that. I’m no longer interested in getting married. Not for a third time at least. When I reached the top my tears were done and the sunset was magical. I chatted with my Mom and aunts. I cherished the view and laid down on the bench on top of the hill. I escaped. I have great expectations.  I’m at peace.

 

 


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Worth

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Self worth has always been a struggle for me. It has greatly improved these past six months but I’m reminded at times that it is an active process for me. There is nothing I would like more than to put my past behind me permanently, but I can’t deny that my thought processes after my rape definitely planted a deep rooted sense of unworthiness inside of me. It’s like a weed. They look small on the outside but they have roots that goes deep into the ground. You think you eradicate it, but leave a little bit of root behind and it will just come back up in a couple of weeks’time. This has been a constant battle especially when I’ve let the weed grow and didn’t even bother pulling even just a little bit out. I plan on getting rid of this weed. It only brings doubt and turmoil. Two things I’m getting very tired of.

I always viewed self-love as an arrogant concept. The way I was brought up, my Mom’s insecurities and almost an internal stop mechanism have been the biggest stoppers I’ve had to deal with. Understanding love in itself is already a pretty complex thought process. There are so many different kinds of love. How do you know when you are actually experiencing love? I’ve always associated love with giving, and more giving. Never taking. But what if love in its purest form is actually self love? Giving yourself the best you can, putting yourself first and not tolerating anything less than what you know you’re worthy of? I have become good at not being bothered what others think of me, but I find that there are a handful of people whose opinion matters greatly to me. Maybe I should start from square one. I should also stop worrying what this handful of people think  of me. Should what they think really change what I think about myself? Definitely not, but it’s not so easy to accomplish.

I still don’t trust my own feelings. I’m so sure, in fact I’m 100% convinced, but then one thing happens and that sureness falls away; my instinct becomes like cobwebs. Easily broken and flimsy. Am I just a “responder”. People react towards me, I respond. They see how I respond, they take advantage or perceive me as weak. This is a tough cycle to break. I almost start to think that there are times to truly be dead inside. Ignorant, nonchalant, oblivious.  I’d rather be decisive; therefore not letting people’s reactions determine my decisions, but rather make a decision because I know that’s what is best for me.

One thing I’m very tired of is people analyzing me. I don’t want any therapist, friend or family member to tell me what I should and should not be thinking. I don’t want a therapist or any stranger telling me what my worth is.

What am I worth? I have talents and skills that many people have complimented me on. I’m healthy, I’ve lost a lot of weight and I feel good. I did start smoking again, but I’m determined to stop again.  I have strengths. I can really engage with people and see their qualities. I have a very analytical mind which is great for work. I have an ideal job, an ideal place I would like to live but no idea if these will fulfill me. Am I still working on what fulfills me or am I just trying to fulfill others’ needs because I believe that will fulfill me? So many questions.

One thing I do know is that I need to stop making my worth conditional on other people. It’s exhausting, it hurts, it is destructive. All my instincts are shouting at me to get away and disappear, but I know this is not an option. I have a daughter that depends on me. In a way she is saving me from fully letting go of my life. I can’t run away, I need to face it. One of my strengths is my positive, fighter attitude. I will not give up. I will conquer myself and find the new path. A path that will lead me further away from my past, the thoughts of others and towards a new attitude and love for myself.

 


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Happy

Posted by Sadlove Story at 8_13 AM

There is a man I know. He makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been for a very long time.

He is a true friend and confidant.
I can just be myself around him. I don’t have to plan what I’ll say or worry what he’ll think of me. We accept each other’s broken pasts and recognise each other’s faults. He doesn’t define me and I don’t define him. We compliment each other. I’m a better person when I’m around him.

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He has seen my tears and he has comforted me. His arms is the safest place I know right now.
I wasn’t looking I wasn’t expecting, yet I found exactly what I need. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.


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Dead Inside

Dead inside __ by Pure-Poison89 on DeviantArt.jpgI long to be dead inside. What freedom. No more feelings. No more cares. Like Estella from great expectations. Cold and calculated. Pretty on the outside, dead on the inside.
No man will hold any power over me. I can be ruthless without blinking an eyelid.
No person will be able to hurt me. No more tears.
My heart will be so hard, nothing could break it.
Is this not the way to be? I’ve never considered this, until now.
I’m tired of feeling. I want to stop and die inside so I can live a new way


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Dark Matter

Tuesday, August 31, 2010.jpgThe unexplained sadness
My body is tired, my mind confused
I long for something with no name
There is a living thing inside my soul
I feel it, looking through my eyes
My dark side?
It makes everything look grey
It weighs me down with confusion and sadness
It attaches itself to my happy thoughts and crushes it
What is this dark matter that sucks the joy from my heart
I’ve seen glimpses of it before
I hate it
I want to destroy it
Does everyone suffer with this or do I suffer alone?
Can there only be light or is this darkness a necessity of life
Tears wash some of the dark away, leaving dark stains on my cheeks
I cry for the nameless want, the mystery craving
Will the sun of a new dawn make it shrivel away?
Be gone dark matter, please let me be


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The middle ground

The middle ground. That place of perfect equilibrium. My goal, the place I would like to be and stay in for longer periods.
The bottom is the worst place to be. Everything that doesn’t float, sinks to the bottom. It almost feels like everything is grounded naturally. Why else does gravity exist? Surely everything sinks or falls or ends up at the bottom because of this basic earthly force. So learning to float like a flying creature can be tricky or so you think. There are things that can make you fly higher than any bird. The emotions that carry us so high, we lose sight of the ground and that’s also not good, although it feels great in the moment.

I have floated high, but I’ve been to the bottom many times, too many times.

Interaction with others create these highs and lows. So logic tells me that only by myself can I reach the middle ground.
This is true to some extent and I am working on achieving this. However some people’s natural middle ground are so close to mine that spending time with them doesn’t make you high or low. They just match. These are my closest friends and the ones I tend to turn to when I’m too high or too low. Their interactions with me brings me back to my middle ground.
True friends are the ones that balances you perfectly.


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Silence

MAX_ Dissecting Society_ Silence is goldenEmbracing the silence, the quietness

Silence is good when it’s stays true to its word
The rebellion of silence against its nature brings chaos
Silence can scream
It shouts louder than a thousand men

The mind that never thinks nothing is a troubled mind

But even from chaos, order can be created

How do I escape the loud silences?

By hearing the noises that are silent

Wind blowing, birds singing
Water running down a hill
Waves crashing, rain falling
Soft breathing
Children playing
A busy road in the distance

My silence is not inside me