Self worth has always been a struggle for me. It has greatly improved these past six months but I’m reminded at times that it is an active process for me. There is nothing I would like more than to put my past behind me permanently, but I can’t deny that my thought processes after my rape definitely planted a deep rooted sense of unworthiness inside of me. It’s like a weed. They look small on the outside but they have roots that goes deep into the ground. You think you eradicate it, but leave a little bit of root behind and it will just come back up in a couple of weeks’time. This has been a constant battle especially when I’ve let the weed grow and didn’t even bother pulling even just a little bit out. I plan on getting rid of this weed. It only brings doubt and turmoil. Two things I’m getting very tired of.
I always viewed self-love as an arrogant concept. The way I was brought up, my Mom’s insecurities and almost an internal stop mechanism have been the biggest stoppers I’ve had to deal with. Understanding love in itself is already a pretty complex thought process. There are so many different kinds of love. How do you know when you are actually experiencing love? I’ve always associated love with giving, and more giving. Never taking. But what if love in its purest form is actually self love? Giving yourself the best you can, putting yourself first and not tolerating anything less than what you know you’re worthy of? I have become good at not being bothered what others think of me, but I find that there are a handful of people whose opinion matters greatly to me. Maybe I should start from square one. I should also stop worrying what this handful of people think of me. Should what they think really change what I think about myself? Definitely not, but it’s not so easy to accomplish.
I still don’t trust my own feelings. I’m so sure, in fact I’m 100% convinced, but then one thing happens and that sureness falls away; my instinct becomes like cobwebs. Easily broken and flimsy. Am I just a “responder”. People react towards me, I respond. They see how I respond, they take advantage or perceive me as weak. This is a tough cycle to break. I almost start to think that there are times to truly be dead inside. Ignorant, nonchalant, oblivious. I’d rather be decisive; therefore not letting people’s reactions determine my decisions, but rather make a decision because I know that’s what is best for me.
One thing I’m very tired of is people analyzing me. I don’t want any therapist, friend or family member to tell me what I should and should not be thinking. I don’t want a therapist or any stranger telling me what my worth is.
What am I worth? I have talents and skills that many people have complimented me on. I’m healthy, I’ve lost a lot of weight and I feel good. I did start smoking again, but I’m determined to stop again. I have strengths. I can really engage with people and see their qualities. I have a very analytical mind which is great for work. I have an ideal job, an ideal place I would like to live but no idea if these will fulfill me. Am I still working on what fulfills me or am I just trying to fulfill others’ needs because I believe that will fulfill me? So many questions.
One thing I do know is that I need to stop making my worth conditional on other people. It’s exhausting, it hurts, it is destructive. All my instincts are shouting at me to get away and disappear, but I know this is not an option. I have a daughter that depends on me. In a way she is saving me from fully letting go of my life. I can’t run away, I need to face it. One of my strengths is my positive, fighter attitude. I will not give up. I will conquer myself and find the new path. A path that will lead me further away from my past, the thoughts of others and towards a new attitude and love for myself.