Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled life – ELizabeth Gilbert Eat pray love

This quote is a revelation. I have successfully used men as scratching posts these past couple of months. Why wouldn’t I? I was out to get physical gratification, and yes, I don’t regret it. However, two men managed to use me, but not as physical scratching posts.  There is definitely a clue here for some of my deeper scars, the ones I try to hide. Neither of these men physically had sex with me, but yet, they hurt me the most. One a sociopath, emotionally manipulative and incapable of love, the other a player with most likely deep seated insecurities, but yet, very good at playing the game.  A sociopath is obviously much more dangerous than a player, but players can also say just the right things to entice you. Like a treat that is dangled just out of reach, he keeps you waiting for the moment he is magically going to start liking you and realize that you might be worth meeting in real life and most importantly more than just sex. I’ve had to simplify the situation for myself right down to the bare minimum. If a man is attracted to you for more than your sex, he will make a plan to meet you. Full stop. No more to say or think about or try to change.

As for the clue. How can two men I never met, hurt me so much? You would think having sex with a man who sees you as an object will make a woman feel used. However, it hit me tonight. I am very lonely and what both these men gave me, in different ways, was a means to pass the time when I’m at home and not out having emotionless sex. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to be comfortable with my own company. I’m not talking about withdrawing from people, that is a choice and normally a lot of pain and hurt is already involved. I’m talking about when you’re happy and content with being all by yourself, not knowing when you will be interacting with another person again. Not knowing if you will ever find love again, but still being happy and content. Which leads me to the next thought. I was very happy being alone for many many years. Many nights I only had my own company as my husband spent time on his phone or listening to music or just doing his own thing. I was happy and content, or was I? It took nine years for my brain to rebel. I was happy with myself, but I needed to be challenged. Unfortunately the concepts of love that I created for myself from childhood into adulthood are so misconstrued that my body went into overdrive.

Love is chemistry. The butterflies in your stomach, the feelings of being on a constant high, it’s all down to brain chemistry. Just like a heroine addict, you start to hang on to these highs. You start believing that this is love. It is scientifically proven that a man will fall in love with a woman where there is an increase of oxytocin levels in his brain, but that again is just chemistry. If you know what triggers this hormone, yes, you can manipulate a man into falling for you, but what do you achieve by doing this? Ultimately; heartache, unhappiness and hurt. Instead of focusing on love, why not focus on your emotional and intellectual needs. A man that connects with you on an emotional and intellectual level sees the real you. Not the physical you. You will get older and it will show on your face and your body, but your mind can stay as young and vibrant as you want it to be. A man that sees you for who you truly are, sees past the hurt and pain of the past and realizes that he has discovered a beautiful mind and kindred spirit. This is the kind of man you are blessed to find. This is when you realize that love pales in comparison to the soul. Wanting and craving for another’s soul, this is true love.