New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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The lies we tell ourselves. These are the worst lies you can tell. When reality becomes too much to handle, we lie to ourselves. Some of us are just much better at it than others. There are of course the people that don’t even live in reality. They live a lie. Reality has become too much of a burden. Traumatic event(s) from their past make reality unbearable so lying becomes a way of life.

I always try and tell the truth, but I find myself falling in the trap of lying to myself. I therefore try to do regular reality checks. It’s not an easy exercise because reality can suck. If only I started doing this much earlier in my life. First major lie is thinking that being raped as a virgin will leave no scars or won’t affect my whole life. It did and it does. I think the root of my failed relationships with men rests in this. I’m not sure if it can be fixed. Maybe I do need therapy. How do you stop yourself from seeing all men as users and abusers. Even the ones that really loves you. Second, lying about love. I’m not sure I do know what love is. Love between a man and a woman. Love that makes you want to fight for it and save it. I’ve never had the impulse to fight for a relationship. Most of all not with the men that loved me. Something is definitely missing from my concept of love. Third, lying about what I’m worth. I feel worthless and unworthy of anyone’s time, effort or love, but in reality, I am worthy. Even as broken as I am. This is the most difficult lie I have to deal with, because it will require me to love myself. I am not selfish, in fact I will give away everything I have for someone that I believe needs it more than I do. I will help anyone with anything and I won’t even consider the impact it will have on me, bad or good. That includes helping men please themselves. I always thought these are good qualities. To give and help unconditionally. However, if you don’t truly love yourself, you are merely giving the physical to people, you are never giving or showing them your true self. Self love is my biggest obstacle, has been since the rape. And it is a fact / reality that no one will ever truly love you, until you love yourself.

I have no idea where to start. How do I fall in love with myself?  Just writing it and I feel selfish, but I know it’s not. If only I could see myself through my friends’ and family’s eyes. My friends and family tell me how great I am, how loving, kind and giving I am, but it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I still have a lot to learn…

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