Welcome to my silly life. Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’, it didn’t slow me down.

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated

Look, I’m still around – PINK

This song resonates with me today. I’m tired of being mistreated and misunderstood. I’m flawed, yes, like most people on this planet.

I’m realistic about my situation and the emotional repercussions it is having on me. I yearn with my whole being to be loved, but love can’t be bought, found, or created.

Right now, I don’t think anyone understands me or cares enough for me to truly love me. This isn’t a bad thing, but the realization doesn’t make it any easier. Once I removed all of the distractions, I initially felt a sense of accomplishment and to a degree, that I had control over my life and desires again. All life changing decisions do require you to go through various stages. I’m in unknown territory so not sure how many stages there are. At the moment I feel a deep longing for physical contact. I wish I wasn’t so passionate. I look at people that label themselves as ‘laid back’. I want to be laid back. I have a very open and liberal view about various things in life, but when it comes to emotions, I think I’ve always been passionate. I don’t love and give halfheartedly. I don’t hold grudges. I can get angry quickly, but within five minutes, I’m so disappointed in myself.  If a friend needs me in a crisis, I’ll be there. No questions asked. Whatever they need. I don’t ignore people I care for and there are a lot of people that I care for dearly. Writing this I realize that people must be overwhelmed by my passion as it can be misconstrued as something else by mistake. If only they knew how much I have to offer, they might even ask me for help sometimes. I am at my happiest when I can help someone or just listen if they need to talk. All I’ve been doing for months now is cry, vent, talk and worry about my life. I can’t help but feel I’ve been very selfish.

I need to start looking outside my little world again. There are so many people that are much worse off than I am. I’m going to stop telling people how I feel. Instead I’ll cry as much as I need to, write my blog and carry on. If anyone needs or wants me, great, if they don’t, great. In my opinion, no person should be dependent on another person to the extent that they can’t function or live without them.

If all else fails, there is always wine, music and my vibrator 🙂