New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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I look at my thoughts. My mind. It’s a mess in there. Many thoughts, feelings all mixed with uncertainty and confusion.

Fear, sadness. My main emotions. No one falls in love with misery. While I’m in this state of mind, no-one can love me. I try to get away from these emotions. I so want to experience happiness again. I was happy, so very happy, not too long ago. But then it started to crack. My thoughts of unworthiness picking away at the happy thoughts. And now, not thriving, because I wasn’t built for this misery.
My true self hidden beneath layers of change. Every change took it’s toll on my mind.

I need to move again. Moving my body stops my mind from moving. When my body slows down, my thoughts speed up. I want to walk. I can’t wait for my holiday. I’m going back to a special place. A place where I feel free, alive and happy. My Eden. My paradise.

This new years eve I want to start fresh. No new years resolutions. Just going back to me. The person I was, always have been. The innocent, beautiful girl that smiles easily, that takes life in her stride. The one that anyone would be lucky to have in their life. The genuine girl that gives freely but also only accepts the respect she is worthy of, in return.

I will be whole again. Not because of anyone else. Because I miss me the most, and only I can bring me back to the land of the living.


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Waste(wo)man

Driving down a familiar road
Overwhelmed by a sense of loss
Another family I gave up
More loved ones lost

I have labeled my life to death
I have closed myself off to feel

The butterflies are dead
The excitement is gone

I no longer love, I only exist
Where you left me is where I’ll stay

My hope like a smothered candle
Only a wisp of smoke remains

I walk no more
I dance no more

I’m ready to be used again
I have some use left still

So take me now baby
See if you can use me still
Before you move on
To pastures new


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You’ll never know

me

You’ll never know how much you hurt me

Even if I write it here

Even if I say it to your face

You’ll never know

 

You’ll never know how much I cried

When you weren’t looking

When you were thinking, only of yourself

 

You’ll never know how broken you left me

While you were playing

While you were experimenting

 

 

You’ll never know how much I care for you

Because you weren’t looking

Because you weren’t paying attention

 

You’ll never find another like me

You lost what you never knew you had

 

 


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Unique

unique

Am I really so unique? I think I’m pretty ordinary. A person caught in the race of life. I was talking to a friend today and realised that when we find a person that we consider unique or different this can have life enriching but also damaging effects. You can get caught up in moments, thinking you will only ever experience this once. You can become so caught up that you start believing this is the end all and be all of what you’re worthy of.

I have been in similar situations. I have another friend that says nothing lasts. And this is probably true as well. But I’m a strong believer in choice. I don’t believe in destiny. I am not destined for unhappiness. Although I feel like this a lot, I keep reminding myself that life is all about choices. We choose how long we will let people control us. There is no denying it. You can reason and debate and wallow in self pity and destroy your life, your mind, your heart, and through doing so, think that you’re in control. You’re making the decision to hurt, to use, to discard all in the name of hurt. But the person that hurt you, they are still in control. No; control is actually making positive changes, even when you’re only seeing darkness and hopelessness. That is taking control. Starting the process of making choices that enhances your life, not taking steps back into the past. Yes, the past hurts, but moving forward is all you can do. There is no rewind button on life’s remote control. “What if’s” and “what could have been”  are negative, self destructive ways of thinking.

The only choice I don’t have is when and how I’ll die. I often think what people will say when I die. With the recent death in the family I was overcome with guilt for not wishing my family member happy birthday. For not messaging more frequently to find out how things are. I know life is busy, but I’ve realised that death brings people together. Isn’t that ironic? When we’re alive, we don’t have time to send a message or check in with a friend or family. When they die, we wish we did.

When I die I believe only a few people would have known the real me. The one I hide or keep under control. I know a lot of the people I’ve been close to this past year that will probably miss my body or my mouth, maybe my jokes. But will they feel as if something is missing from their lives? I think not. I know this because if I was a priority to them, they would feel me missing from their lives right now, while I’m still alive. My death would therefore not create any sense of “missing” for too long.

What I know is that some people was put on this earth to help others. Some think “I AM helping others” while others think “i am HELPING others” See the difference? Helping others can be a selfish act too. It’s all about the reason behind it. If not a selfless act of love or compassion, it’s not help. It’s stroking of ones ego. And this way, when you get tired of helping or being there for another person, you can just stop. Because your intention was never to help them. I know this, because I’ve done it. I’ve listened and helped others, but when they keep coming back and not “listening” to me, I got annoyed and tired and give up…because my heart was never in it. I feel bad for doing this. And those are the people I’ll try to reconnect with again. Because they really needed me, even if I didn’t need them.

 


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love language

failed

 

 

My love language is physical touch and quality time. I score equal highest marks on these two. Receiving gifts scored the lowest. I don’t want to be showered with gifts, neither do I need words of affirmation. I need to be touched. It fosters a sense of security for me and I feel that I belong. When I touch, it’s an extension of my love. I love my piano. When I play, I’m making love to the keys. Touching them softly or hard depending on the emotion I feel. When I make love my hands and mouth and body are extensions of my soul, my love, my passion.

Time; there is no more precious gift than giving someone your time. Time spent together doing things that you and I enjoy. A walk, a meal, a meaningful conversation.

This is who I am. I do not touch lightly. I do not give my love easily. But when I do, you will know by my  touch, my kiss, my time.

I long for your touch

I have felt it before

I’m sorry, so sorry

I failed to say

 

My love is my hands

Your time is my joy

Without touch

I will fade away

For love to me

Is silent and cozy

Just like your presence

And body so warm

 

If this love is not

The love that you seek

The love that you need

then happiness with me

never will be

 


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Resonance

muse-ce

 

There are very few artists that moves me to the core of my being. Tori Amos, Collective Soul, Counting Crows and Muse. These are the artists that are personifications of me at different stages of my life. Muse is currently the only band I want to listen to.

There is one Muse song in particular that moves me like no other. The first time I listened to it, the guitar irritated me and it sounded like anything but noise, an annoying noise, to me. Now, when I hear the opening guitar rift, I feel the scraping sound of the guitar resonate inside of me. I feel the pain that the writer must have felt. I feel the discomfort scraping inside me like nails on a black board. It is the sound of utter frustration, pain, soul torturing insanity.

Break me in, teach ME to cheat and to lie, cover up. What shouldn’t be shared” I am lying to myself, to everyone dear to me. I’m covering up..all the time. I used to share, now I don’t want to share. I want to isolate myself from this world. What it’s become. My world, how it’s nothing but a moment to the next.

And the truth’s unwinding, scraping away at my mind. Please stop asking me to describe”  The truth of what I am, who I am, what I am to others. It is unwinding and yes, I feel my mind being peeled away from my being. My thoughts disconnected, unable to explain what I feel, unable to describe how I’m falling apart, from within. Little by little I am becoming something new.

“For one moment, I wish you’d (I’d) hold your (my) stage. With no feelings at all,  open-minded”  I don’t want to feel anymore. Feelings hide. True feelings are hard to convey. They are so intimate that I don’t even know what they are. All I know is that it’s not enough. No matter what I feel or don’t I can’t hold my stage and say what is eating away at me from the inside.

Self-expressed, exhausting for all to see and to be what YOU want and what YOU need”  That is who I am. I am what the world wants me to be. A mother, a lover, a friend, a teacher, a sounding board. I am exhausted, yet I bare my all. I give, I satisfy, I ask, I am turned away, I am treated with excuses of selfishness.I give my body heart and soul. I sacrifice. I struggle. I have little. I still give. I even beg. I demean myself. For others’ satisfaction. I don’t belong in this world. The cold and heartless world that breaks people. Women that leave destroyed hearts and spirits in their paths. I am this woman too.

Wash me away. Clean your body of me. Erase all the memories. They will only bring us pain. And I’ve seen, all I’ll ever need” . Yes, I have seen all I’ll ever need. Letting go of the past is so hard. I convinced myself of things that was never there throughout my life. I wish I could erase the memories. I want to clean my body of him that hurt me the most so long ago. I want to forget my pain. How I was hurt. How I seem to attract hurt like a magnet. Let me forget who I am. Become a new kind of person. One that can’t be hurt. I want’ to be erased as the citizen I am.