New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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There are very few artists that moves me to the core of my being. Tori Amos, Collective Soul, Counting Crows and Muse. These are the artists that are personifications of me at different stages of my life. Muse is currently the only band I want to listen to.

There is one Muse song in particular that moves me like no other. The first time I listened to it, the guitar irritated me and it sounded like anything but noise, an annoying noise, to me. Now, when I hear the opening guitar rift, I feel the scraping sound of the guitar resonate inside of me. I feel the pain that the writer must have felt. I feel the discomfort scraping inside me like nails on a black board. It is the sound of utter frustration, pain, soul torturing insanity.

Break me in, teach ME to cheat and to lie, cover up. What shouldn’t be shared” I am lying to myself, to everyone dear to me. I’m covering up..all the time. I used to share, now I don’t want to share. I want to isolate myself from this world. What it’s become. My world, how it’s nothing but a moment to the next.

And the truth’s unwinding, scraping away at my mind. Please stop asking me to describe”  The truth of what I am, who I am, what I am to others. It is unwinding and yes, I feel my mind being peeled away from my being. My thoughts disconnected, unable to explain what I feel, unable to describe how I’m falling apart, from within. Little by little I am becoming something new.

“For one moment, I wish you’d (I’d) hold your (my) stage. With no feelings at all,  open-minded”  I don’t want to feel anymore. Feelings hide. True feelings are hard to convey. They are so intimate that I don’t even know what they are. All I know is that it’s not enough. No matter what I feel or don’t I can’t hold my stage and say what is eating away at me from the inside.

Self-expressed, exhausting for all to see and to be what YOU want and what YOU need”  That is who I am. I am what the world wants me to be. A mother, a lover, a friend, a teacher, a sounding board. I am exhausted, yet I bare my all. I give, I satisfy, I ask, I am turned away, I am treated with excuses of selfishness.I give my body heart and soul. I sacrifice. I struggle. I have little. I still give. I even beg. I demean myself. For others’ satisfaction. I don’t belong in this world. The cold and heartless world that breaks people. Women that leave destroyed hearts and spirits in their paths. I am this woman too.

Wash me away. Clean your body of me. Erase all the memories. They will only bring us pain. And I’ve seen, all I’ll ever need” . Yes, I have seen all I’ll ever need. Letting go of the past is so hard. I convinced myself of things that was never there throughout my life. I wish I could erase the memories. I want to clean my body of him that hurt me the most so long ago. I want to forget my pain. How I was hurt. How I seem to attract hurt like a magnet. Let me forget who I am. Become a new kind of person. One that can’t be hurt. I want’ to be erased as the citizen I am.


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