New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

Category Archives: Thoughts


by Leave a comment

I didn’t know

I came across an old email by chance today. It brought back memories of a time lost; or that’s how it feels now…but can time really be lost? No. Every moment of my life brought me to where I am right now. Take any of it away and things won’t be exactly as they are now. How can you appreciate the warmth of the summer sun, if you didn’t endure and survive the bitter cold of the winter first?

it was winter when I first felt love again
my awakening new

but ’tis was not love
it was hope and promise

winter became spring
and spring, summer

sweet wind blew
and we were
scorched by the summer sun,
cooled by the autumn rain

a harvest of discontent

winter returned
and ruby blood stained the
bright white snow

snow melted slow and painful
little bits of me
melting away too

an echo remained
one from far away
a voice calling me home

home; place of rest
place of peace and comfort
place of safety
dwelling of tranquillity

a heart, bigger than mine
I met

I didn’t know…
I didn’t know
how could I?

is it always unexpected?

sweet spring blooms
in my heart
I want to cherish it
I want to hold it dear

a beautiful flower
unfolding in the warmth
of the loving sun’s arms


by Leave a comment

the way you make me feel

 

love, passion, want, feeling complete, feeling cherished and special

I went out Friday night, dinner and dancing. Bottle of red, cocktails, happy drunk. I don’t drink often. I also know my limits. Happy drunk is the perfect point between too little and too much 🙂

Kissing in a dark corner of the club. Dancing to 90s rock and singing along to songs from my younger days, till I had no voice left. Just a big happy smile.

How I longed to be with someone that will take me dancing. I love dancing, I love music.

And I found him. Tall, big, manly man that makes me feel tiny in his arms. Twirling me, dipping me, kissing me, loving me.

Lazy Saturday, sleeping, cuddling, just being. Laughing… a lot! Every time he makes me laugh, I want to melt into him. The way he holds my stare for minutes on end. Beautiful brown eyed boy with perfect lips, perfect nose. I see the love in his eyes. I feel the love in his kiss. He makes me feel sensual, sexy, alive. How I wish I could bottle this feeling. I’d be a millionaire.

Amor vivam 🙂

 

 


by Leave a comment

Awake

 

After what seems like a lifetime, I’m back. No words came to me, but once again they woke my slumber. I feel as if I’ve woken from a long sleep filled with some nightmares, but mostly quiet peaceful reflective rest. The question to one of my biggest worries has been answered and I’m truly present once more.

I’m hungry for rejuvenation. I’m content in my own skin. I’m happy with those I have in my life right now. I want for nothing but to fill the paths I cross with happiness.

I see, I feel, I touch, I share, I regret no more. I am normal…within my normal.

Maybe it’s the beautiful cent of spring blossoms in the air. Maybe it’s the promise of life that spring brings. Mostly it’s forgiving myself for my past…truly forgiving myself.

 


by 1 Comment

Long time

It’s been such a long time since I wrote…anything! My life is busy and great again. I find it difficult to write when I’m not sad or struggling with something or the other.

It appears I’m experiencing a sadness hiatus which is a big change from last year.

Currently I’m  seeing a really great guy. Wow, it’s only when you are treated the way you deserve to be treated that you realise how bad and selfish someone else treated you in the past. It’s so refreshing and safe.

Two deaths in Feb did remind me once again of how precious life is and how it’s so easy to lose sight of this through the hustle and bustle of every day life. The other aspect that death always highlights to me is that people are never told half the things while they’re still alive than what is said at their funeral. Isn’t this so strange? I try to tell my loved ones how much I appreciate and love them as often as possible. I even did a little experiment and wrote an obituary to my closest friends and family and I try now to tell them these things. When they die, I can use the same obituary but stating that i told them all of this while they were alive and well.

You just never know when your time will run out..

Later x

 


by Leave a comment

Sometimes

Sometimes…sometimes…sometimes when you can’t say it. When words escape and you need to let it out, somehow music comes to help. Lyrics that speak so true, you can almost remember writing them yourself in your dreams. Tonight I have no words, but I have this song. This song is me. The piano so beautiful, soulful, sad. The words…so true..so applicable so beautiful and innocent. A song about my soul with sound that no words can express. I have become something I can’t express anymore

 

You are what they call the human season

You are all the alphabet in one
You are every colour of confusion
You are all the silence I’ve become

Love me for
Stupid reasons
I like those most

Wide-eyed but
Worth believing
God knows

Damn the angry voice that keeps us quiet
The editor whose work is never done
Keeping pretty words between my teeth and
Sweet confessions underneath my tongue

Drowsy contemplation
Do I let you in
This is my invitation
But how do I begin?

She has such an awful lot of soldiers
Quite a lovely army all her own
Night and day they stand before the fortress
Very safe but very all alone


by 1 Comment

Cry my beloved country

It’s been a strange week. A family member of mine was brutally murdered this week. Such a brutal act of hate. I have been struggling to come to terms with it. I feel so numb. I am on strong medication and even crying seems impossible at the moment. My parents have cried every day this week when I spoke to them. And I, I don’t know what to say, how to deal with it.

I have often wished for the ability not to feel and experience emotions this last year of my life and now that it seems my wish has been granted, I am horrified by my ability to continue as normal when the rest of my family is in mourning.

Yet another funeral I will be missing because I’m too far away from home and air travel is too expensive.

I can’t help but wonder when it will be my parents. When will the violent country that I originate from, claim them as victims too.

For the first time, in a long time, I wish I could cry. Cry for a mother torn from her family in a violent way. Scarred and hurt beyond recognition by two men with nothing but hate in their hearts.

Cry my beloved country, cry.

 


by 2 Comments

Happy Days

friedrichnietzsche1

How little did I understand. Did I really forget so easily? How simple it is to be happy? From within, with myself. Wonderful, Beautiful, Gorgeous

That is me and nothing and nobody can change that – should be allowed to change it.

It’s been said so many times, but it’s true. The secret is to find that happy inside. Others compliment and enrich my life, but I am back in control. No longer out of control. No longer outside, looking in, shaking my head.

I had a very emotional counseling session a week ago. Not because I had to relive the hurt and pain. No, because I remembered what I used to be like, felt like. The innocence. The naive sweet dreams I had. The trusting smiling young girl. Innocence that was lost, in one moment. I lingered here. Crying. Crying once again. Then she said, you are brave. And I realised – I am. Damn straight I am! I’m a fighter for goodness sake!!

I have no doubt that life will keep challenging me. I wouldn’t expect anything less. But I’m ready. I’m standing on my own two feet. No longer seeking others to depend on, to trust, to keep standing.  And yes, I will need my friends, and I will seek their comfort; for true friendship is a rare and beautiful thing. True acceptance of another human being is a gift. I love my close friends. They are a part of me as much as my family is. They know me inside out. They accept me. My darkness and madness. They cherish me for my kindness, loyalty and honesty. I treasure them for their inner beauty and uniqueness, for making me smile, for enriching my life.

 

 


by 2 Comments

Chaos theory

 

butterfly-effect

 

Unpredictable

Highly sensitive to initial

conditions

Chrysalis requires dark

Without darkness, no wings

no colour

And then

Chaos is the butterfly (effect)

Chaos makes me fly

Prediction, impossible

No random events required

No way of calculating

the result

accurately

Strange atractors

Strange repellers

 

 

 

 

 


by 1 Comment

Love

 

mother-daughter

I have wondered many many many times what love is. What is it really? How do you know you love, truly love, someone.

I found the answer in my daughter. You see, I’m very certain, with her more than any other person, that I love her.  I look back and try to see how this love came about.

First, there was the bond or connection. It wasn’t love it was a bond. A child / mother bond. Seeing this little helpless baby, so dependent on you, you start to care. I cared about her needs. I fulfilled her needs. Then she started becoming more dependent. First walking, then running! I had to give her room to explore and discover things for herself. She then developed her own thoughts and her own mind. She started making choices. I guided, but never forced. I explained or let her see the consequences of actions. Be it good actions or bad. I made sure she understood respect from a young age. I built foundations for her. Foundations she can turn to when I’m not around. I taught her about courage when faced with difficult situations. I support her. I don’t know at which point I loved her, but it wasn’t something I had to think about. I just know.

Therefore, love is to me:

A connection

A sense of being needed

A place where there is space for yourself to be yourself

An emotion built on strong foundations of respect & trust

A gift of unconditional support

A feeling that grows over time, without working at it, or trying to create it.

Love happens slowly. Lust happens fast.

Once you truly love someone, it’s almost impossible to stop.

 

 


by 1 Comment

Fear

run away
freeze
stand up and face

the jolt in your stomach
pushing up in your chest

when a fear becomes reality
it’s not a dream
it’s not a thought
it’s no longer a fear

How do you react?
is there a right or wrong way?

where do you hide your fear?
do you speak your fear?

my fears ruled me
for a very long time

no more
fear is a liar