Happy on the inside
Sad on the inside
Controlled sad
Not consuming me
Not emotionally debilitating.
Controlled;
Artificially for now
Ripped apart connection
Another scar to live with
Controlled sadness aches
A dull ache in the centre
of my being
A cure there is not
Only a control
The controlled sense of loss
The logic to recognise that
What’s been lost through this degree of hurt
Can never be recovered again
Controlled I live
Isn’t it sad how judgemental the world has become. I think it’s an easy trap for anyone to fall into, but when I find myself thinking judging thoughts, I recognise it and STOP. By judging thoughts I mean judging people you don’t know. Trying to rectify the behaviour, psyche, outfit, choice of hairstyle, choice of lifestyle and plenty more of people you don’t know, with your thoughts, even your words if you’re not alone.
I find that I tend to judge because I compare myself to others. This is never a good thing. Comparing your own unique self to anybody else, but it’s a human flaw; one we all suffer from at some point of our lives or sometimes even permanently. It’s a sign of insecurity and lack of self love.
There were several points in my life where I didn’t have any love for myself at all. When I felt like nothing, because of others. This will result in either a blame mentality or a victim mentality. I never made myself feel like nothing. I didn’t do anything to cause this…or did I? That is the key really. To have such a strong love and respect for yourself that nobody has the power to make you feel like nothing. Now, I’m not saying there are no victims. I was a victim of rape. And the repercussions of this is great. What I do know is that there are always two sides to a story. There is always a person with more power than the other in an unhealthy relationship – any relationship that is. Not only romantic.
I don’t claim to be wise, but I’ve experienced a lot. What I can say is that trust is a dangerous thing when it’s placed in the hands of the wrong person. So when you allow another to make you feel unimportant, and you have a healthy self love and respect, it’s usually because you trust that person. Completely. Complete trust can blind just as much as love can. Just today a friend sent me a distressed message saying that something really personal and confidential about her was leaked. Due to this, she’s been harshly judged by others. She already doesn’t have a healthy self love and this has devastated her. All because she trusted the wrong person.
In the end, I am my worst critic. I trusted the wrong people on a couple of occasions. The times I did, I got hurt the most. I got burned. That’s life. No getting round it. Lessons learned. Be careful who you trust. And before you judge, love yourself 🙂 and then love the other person too. We are all unique and different and entitled to our breath in this life. There is no normal. There is no right or wrong (not including criminal law! :)) of living or loving or being yourself.
A person I’ll never see again
A person I’ll never hear again
A person I’ll never hug again
A person I’ll never laugh with again
One I’ll never go exploring with again
One I’ll never experience the new with again
One I’ll try to forget every day
One I’m forced to sever all ties with, again
I didn’t lose him to death
I lost him to life
Would death hurt any less?
Maybe
Maybe not
This is what losing a friend
Feels like
This is my last post for 2016. I want to put this year behind me. I want to let it go.
End of 2015 I met someone. We had a lot in common and yet we were very different. We had a connection and soon a friendship blossomed.
I had the awful catfish experience which I don’t want to go into but this friend supported me through it and helped me to get over it. I was vulnerable. I had experienced emotions with my catfish that I hadn’t experienced ever. I had also rediscovered my sexuality and I was struggling with years and years of pent up frustrations.
The world had changed a lot. I had changed. My twenty years of silence regarding my rape had been broken. I never thought that I suffered. Suffering to me is being abused, being deprived of basic human needs. That is suffering. I don’t see myself as a victim. In fact, I’m a fighter. A survivor. Telling this man about my rape was me opening up. I trusted like a child. I showed him all of me. My soul, my body, my mind. My thoughts, my conflicts.
He became my confidant and best friend. We became intimate and I fell in love. The last time I fell in love was 2002 – 14 years ago. I didn’t know how much the world had changed. That sex was now a way of passing the time. That sex was just sex. To me sex is so much more, especially when the person I’m having sex with is someone I feel a connection with. Someone I call a best friend.
I soon discovered that I was wrong. Sex didn’t mean the same to him than it did to me. I was confused. So confused. I didn’t understand how you could be that close to someone and for them to feel nothing.
So began many arguments. He always insisting that he wasn’t using me when I didn’t understand what the purpose of our relationship was. I was always too scared to lose him, so I would lie to myself and say, I can do this. He will come round. Surely. He is only confused as well and broken and a pessimist.
And now, looking back, I see him for the boy he is. A man wouldn’t have said what he said over and over again, and then kept doing what we did, over and over again. When we spent time together we were great, but as soon as we didn’t see each other, I would be needy and desperate. Two very unattractive characteristics. Two things I know now that will push any man away. But it’s what the neediness and desperation did to me that was so upsetting as well. I would get lost in my emotional turmoil and become this person I hardly recognised.
How could a sensible person like me become so irrational and change my mind so many times? On and on it went. I spent so much money on him. Weekends away, gifts, poems, songs. I even had a poem I wrote for him made into a song for his birthday. I even lend him money. I became so lost.
What didn’t help my mental health at all is that whenever he tried to end the physical side of our relationship, he always blamed me. He would become so insulting. He would dig into my character. Tell me how I never listen. How tired he was of my emotions. How he didn’t believe how I felt. The kind best friend, would become a monster of blame. It ate away at my self esteem because I respected and trusted him so much, I started believing he must be right. I was doing this all to myself. Initially when the arguments started, I would fight back. Get angry. Say hurtful things too, but I always ended up forgiving him and believing I was wrong. The most confusing aspect of it all is that we always ended up having sex again. Now new arguments were added. I was always coming on to him. I was always seducing him. How could he resist? He can’t help he doesn’t want to be loved. He can’t help he is attracted to me. The blame was always diverted to me.
When this whole cycle began again in Nov, I fell into the depression. Reason? We had once again spent a weekend together. Hardly hours after him leaving for work I text him and I was so happy. I told him that I no longer cared what his intentions were. I knew what mine was and if all we have was like the weekend we just shared, I would be happy. He responded with the same as before. I don’t want more than friendship. I don’t want to sleep with you. This time it broke me. Depression, anxiety, anger, hurt. I just didn’t understand how we could have such a good time and then he tells me that hardly two hours afterwards.
I didn’t see him for two weeks. I was so low. I wanted to die. I wanted to know what is so wrong with me. I wanted to know how my body was good enough, but not the rest of me. I wanted to understand how he could make me feel so loved, but denied loving me. Was he just a good actor? Was he just the modern man? Is this the modern way? Men are allowed to have their way and blame the woman for everything afterwards?
It boils down to this. He never kept his word. He always said he didn’t want to be loved (by me). He didn’t want a relationship (with me). He always said he didn’t want the sex (until the next time we spent time together). I know now that if he really cared about me, even as a friend (best friend), he would have stopped the first time he said he wanted to. That’s what a man would do. That’s what a best friend would do.
In the end, it turned out he found someone else. He literally jumped from my bed into hers. It was the darkest moment for me. The knowledge of the true extent of his betrayal.
I can honestly say that I would never let him touch me again. Why would I? I wouldn’t have let him touch me the beginning of December if I knew he was already in love with another. It is kind of sick in a way. And she thinks she’s won. That this whole thing is her victory. Yes, I’ve had contact with her. And she was so smug and proud of herself and “her man”. I didn’t insult her once. Why would I? She had plenty to say to me. How weak I am. How I might be an over sensitive person. How I need to get out of my cage of suffering. How I should know that men are dickheads and assholes and that they will always take the sex when it’s given so freely. Yet she seems to fail to realise that this is the man she has chosen. A man that repeatedly used a woman for sex under the guise of being her best friend. Wow, he is truly a man to be proud of.
Lessons learned:
When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, what he means is he doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU.
When a man says he is not good enough for you, believe it and move on.
When a man says one thing over and over but does another, don’t be confused by it. Don’t let it anger you, turn you into a psycho bitch. Let him go.
When a man says he is not using you and makes YOU feel guilty, he is selfish. Let him go.
When a man says you are his best friend, but you are never called that in front of anyone else, or never meet his other friends, or you are the only one he acknowledges it to, it’s a red flag. You are not his best friend. My best friends know about each other. They have even met each other. I’ve met their families. If you are his secret, friend, lover, best friend, you are just that. A secret.
I never want to lose my way again because of a man. I do not want to let a man define who I am. I was so lost in 2016. May 2017 be my sober year. A year I can be proud of.
Last night after a long chat with an old friend and an unexpected call from another in the USA, I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. So, 12 midnight I decided I’ll watch a movie. I’m not usually a fan of silly, unrealistic movies about love and relationships, but decided to watch “How to be single”. Wouldn’t take a lot of brain energy to watch and I was hoping it would make me sleepy and/or I will fall asleep watching it.
It has the usual love & relationship themes that a lot of Hollywood movies deploy and re-explore from different angles, but one thing stuck with me.
SPOILER ALERT – if you want to watch this film, don’t continue reading
One of the messages of the film is that you can lose sight of who you are when you get caught up in love or the illusion of love. This phenomenon is described as “dicksand” in the movie. One girl accuses the other of falling into this guys dicksand whenever he is near and then completely forgetting what she actually wants or needs. She realises that her friend is right when an old boyfriend comes back to her and claims that he misses her. They almost have sex, but he makes the mistake of telling her that he is engaged to be married, but because he misses her, he is not sure what to do. This prompts her to have a sobering moment and she stops things from progressing as she realises he is only looking for one last f**k. Now this is a good guy. He comes across as that typical good guy and you view his intentions as good. It’s like the movie draws you in to fall into his dicksand too. But then you realise, like she does, that even the best of guys have the potential to act selfishly, especially in the heat of the moment.
I fell into dicksand. Many times this year. A good guy. I trusted him so completely. Then, he had sex with me little more than a week before declaring his undying love and future with another girl. So I think back to this scene in the movie. The only difference, the guy in the movie told the girl he was engaged and she stopped.. My good guy said nothing. I didn’t even know he was looking or involved with anyone else. Scary…is a relationship that starts like that ever going to work? Well, I guess it depends on the girl and the behaviour she is comfortable accepting. I lost sight of what I want and need. The dicksand got me.
Now, I have been talking to someone for a very long time and even more so recently. We have become closer and when I admitted my dark thoughts and negativity to him, he didn’t reject me or try to change me, or try to advise me. Something he said to me meant more to me than I ever thought possible. I have never befriended a man that didn’t want to have sex with me. I am a very sexy, sensual woman. Not spoken out of vanity. I just am what I am. When this man said he would rather spend hours talking to me than engage in sex with me, it was one of those KA-CHING moments. To be valued for more than my physical appearance, it means so much to me.
I don’t overthink things anymore. No use. I’m in the now. Living, enjoying, being happy.
This man’s words reminded me of what I’m worth and not to get lost in the dicksand again. I need a man that can see beyond the physical me.
Friendship was just an illusion…with a benefit
You lied to me, no set communication boundaries
Your reflection of your own behaviour, another waiver
Did you provoke a lie?
Why do you hide behind your lie?
Something more or something less, I guess
I walk the way I choose, you lose
Alone…my journey
I live not a lie
If ever there comes one
Never false, I will give way to what’s true
Unlike you
Winter fell upon my soul
I’ve found me, I am free
I am leading now, not blind
In your shame you will cry
Drop your hand, and live your lie
Today the Light of the world was born. I am alone today, but I’m not sad about that. I’ve had a tough year. But the important thing is that I’ve seen the light. I’ve seen past the sheep skin and recognise the wolves hiding inside.
This is a cruel world. Why? Because of cruel people. People that are crueler than you can ever imagine. I’m not talking about criminals. I’m talking about those that don’t do anything that is against the law, but they get away with emotional abuse and treating others badly. They prey on the vulnerable, the insecure, the childlike innocent people, like me.
I’ve been hurt more than I can possibly explain in words by people like this. One in particular. I got mixed up with the master liar this year. One who hid behind lie after lie and one truth. This one truth his only defense. All young ladies, listen to me. Don’t let a man ever tell you you’re not good enough. Don’t let your love for a man forgive his actions, his behaviour. Don’t let love blind you to see what you are hoping to see. Please, only accept the one that tells you you’re beautiful, that treats you like you’re a priority. If he ignores you, he doesn’t care. It’s so simple. It’s so simple. Love is not complicated.
He will no longer hurt me. I am so happy that I’ve seen the light. I’m continuing my walk of freedom. I rejoice in the light.
So I’ve reached my expiry date
Sooner than I thought
Quicker than I thought
More ruthless than I thought
Why do people take their own lives?
I can tell you.
I know why
Will I do it?
Never, for I’m not afraid to live
I have taken my risks, I’ve bared my soul
I don’t regret loving you
You however will come to realise
What you’ve lost
And that will hurt more
I feel sorry for you
You could have been so happy
But now you’ll never know
You’ve lost me forever and a day
Hope you enjoyed the ride
I have my uses, and you used me well
Now you can ride your next victim
Take care and move on
You’ll never know how much you hurt me
Even if I write it here
Even if I say it to your face
You’ll never know
You’ll never know how much I cried
When you weren’t looking
When you were thinking, only of yourself
You’ll never know how broken you left me
While you were playing
While you were experimenting
You’ll never know how much I care for you
Because you weren’t looking
Because you weren’t paying attention
You’ll never find another like me
You lost what you never knew you had
There are very few artists that moves me to the core of my being. Tori Amos, Collective Soul, Counting Crows and Muse. These are the artists that are personifications of me at different stages of my life. Muse is currently the only band I want to listen to.
There is one Muse song in particular that moves me like no other. The first time I listened to it, the guitar irritated me and it sounded like anything but noise, an annoying noise, to me. Now, when I hear the opening guitar rift, I feel the scraping sound of the guitar resonate inside of me. I feel the pain that the writer must have felt. I feel the discomfort scraping inside me like nails on a black board. It is the sound of utter frustration, pain, soul torturing insanity.
“Break me in, teach ME to cheat and to lie, cover up. What shouldn’t be shared” I am lying to myself, to everyone dear to me. I’m covering up..all the time. I used to share, now I don’t want to share. I want to isolate myself from this world. What it’s become. My world, how it’s nothing but a moment to the next.
“And the truth’s unwinding, scraping away at my mind. Please stop asking me to describe” The truth of what I am, who I am, what I am to others. It is unwinding and yes, I feel my mind being peeled away from my being. My thoughts disconnected, unable to explain what I feel, unable to describe how I’m falling apart, from within. Little by little I am becoming something new.
“For one moment, I wish you’d (I’d) hold your (my) stage. With no feelings at all, open-minded” I don’t want to feel anymore. Feelings hide. True feelings are hard to convey. They are so intimate that I don’t even know what they are. All I know is that it’s not enough. No matter what I feel or don’t I can’t hold my stage and say what is eating away at me from the inside.
“Self-expressed, exhausting for all to see and to be what YOU want and what YOU need” That is who I am. I am what the world wants me to be. A mother, a lover, a friend, a teacher, a sounding board. I am exhausted, yet I bare my all. I give, I satisfy, I ask, I am turned away, I am treated with excuses of selfishness.I give my body heart and soul. I sacrifice. I struggle. I have little. I still give. I even beg. I demean myself. For others’ satisfaction. I don’t belong in this world. The cold and heartless world that breaks people. Women that leave destroyed hearts and spirits in their paths. I am this woman too.
“Wash me away. Clean your body of me. Erase all the memories. They will only bring us pain. And I’ve seen, all I’ll ever need” . Yes, I have seen all I’ll ever need. Letting go of the past is so hard. I convinced myself of things that was never there throughout my life. I wish I could erase the memories. I want to clean my body of him that hurt me the most so long ago. I want to forget my pain. How I was hurt. How I seem to attract hurt like a magnet. Let me forget who I am. Become a new kind of person. One that can’t be hurt. I want’ to be erased as the citizen I am.
New Beginnings 