New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Sunburn

Song of the day. Sunburn. White, red, Itchy blisters, pealing feelings, white again

MUSE LYRICS – Sunburn
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Come waste your millions here
Secretly she sneers
Another corporate show
A guilty conscience grows
I’ll feel a guilty conscience grow
I’ll feel a guilty conscience grow

She burns like the sun
And I can’t look away
And she’ll burn our horizons make no mistake

Come let the truth be shared
No-one ever dared
To break these endless lies
Secretly she cries

She burns like the sun
And I can’t look away
And she’ll burn our horizons make no mistake

And I’ll hide from the world
Behind a broken frame
And I’ll burn forever
I can’t face the shame

And I’ll hide from the world
Behind a broken frame
And I’ll burn forever
I can’t face the shame


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Monologue

self-love

She holds her face between her hands

She looks at her

She loves her

 

I want him

He doesn’t want you

I need him

He doesn’t need you

It’s hurting so much

I know

What did I do?

Nothing

Why is this happening?

Who knows…it’s life

He does not love me

I know

Why doesn’t he love me?

You will never know

How long will it hurt?

As long as you let it

 

It’s because you gave it your all

You hid nothing

Him, hidden like muddy water

Disturbed by the many feet scraping the bottom

 

He doesn’t want to talk about it

it isn’t love

 

He doesn’t let me in

it isn’t love

He hides me from others

it isn’t love

He doesn’t acknowledge me in his life

it isn’t love

 

What can I do?

Forget, forgive, live

 


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Explain

I have great people in my life. I really do. I couldn’t ask for more loyal friends that tries to help me or a more loving family. ¬†They try to understand why I am the way I am. They tell me to pick myself up. Do it for your child, do it for you. You are strong. You can do this. You will get through this. You will get better. This might all be very true, but I’m hurting. Hurt; maybe that word has lost it’s meaning. Maybe pain? Does that work better? I don’t think so. Does swearing help? I’m in fucking agony? I don’t think so. There are no words to explain how I feel. There is not one single person on this planet that knows, accept me.

Yes, I might seem wrapped up in myself..selfish, me, me me. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and find a reason not to end it all.

I have to sit and keep my shit together when I’m suddenly overwhelmed out of nowhere with feelings that eats me like maggots from the inside out. Crawling under my skin. Eating flesh that is dead, yet still alive. Flesh that feels, but not sustain.

Feelings of shame. Of self loathing. Of disappointment in myself for allowing people to treat me the way they do. Feelings of insufficiency. Feelings of not being enough for anyone. Feelings of being an incompetent participant in the game show of life.

I am at a loss for words. Please don’t ask me to explain. Rather hold me. Breath next to me. Sit with me. Look at me and see me for what I am and then decide if you want to remain or go. Don’t tell me. Just leave or stay. I don’t want your money, your love, your time if it’s not given unconditionally. Don’t waste words on me.

There is nothing to explain.


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Black

holes

 

Black: the absence of light

Not a colour

I see my lack of light

On my skin…holes

They let no light in

But they leak

They ooze

Slowly spilling me

Bits of me left behind

 

People step in it

They slip on it

Some even fall

 

I’m shrinking

Nothing replacing the lost

No intake, only an outlet

 

That’s the time I have left

Once I’ve lost it all

My time will be up

Shriveled up

Dried up

Dispersed

Free

 

 

 


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When words dry up

I have arrived at a time of nothing. Nothing makes sense, nothing is the same, I feel like nothing I say or do can change it.

I want to talk to someone, yet I know that the one I’ve spoken to before will no longer understand.

So I write, here, to try and make sense of it all.

I am on the brink of realization. I’m not sure if I’m ready for it. When things turn sour in a second. When disappointment becomes so painful that you want to disappear from the world.

When you don’t make it clear what your limits are and someone reaches that limit.. are they to blame or you? Am I to blame for not making it clear how I wish to be treated because I always try and be understanding? I ALWAYS try to understand. Surely there is a logical reason for the actions of others. But ¬†maybe there isn’t. Maybe this person was hiding, or maybe I was blind. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. How do I want to be treated?

Am I a toy? Am I a piece of meat? Am I a convenience? Am I a break from the world? Am I a friend when it suits the need? Am I entitled to feel, to express? I so want to express myself, but I end up doing and saying things that are completely out of character. I’m too scared to express, because I’m scared to lose.

I know that I’m not myself right now. I feel different. I feel isolated. I’m not scared to be alone anymore. This is what I feel I will be. Am I entitled to love again? I am in love. I have uttered those words, but they are rejected every time. Is that right?

Please tell me. World, please give me a sign. Free me from myself. Give me a purpose

 

 


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Sleeping with your best friend

sad wallpapers _ sad girls crying _ sad girls sleeping _ feelings ___

He wants to help you
As a friend
Spare you from the monsters out there
As a friend
You agree to let him help you
As a friend
You cry, he comforts you
As a friend
He holds you, your body pressed to his
As a friend
He starts touching you
As a friend
He turns you around and kisses you
As a friend
He watches your face as he penetrates you
Only as a friend so don’t get any ideas

He goes through the motions and watches the pleasure on your face
As a friend
Afterwards he turns his back not wanting to cuddle
As a friend
When you wake up he does it again
As a friend
When you leave he hugs you at the door
He doesn’t walk you to your car or watch you leave
Not even as a friend

You text when you get home
You tell him how much it meant to you

He doesn’t respond and distance himself
As a friend?


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You are the moon

images
There is a man
He is the moon
There is a girl
She is the sea

The moon dictates the tides
She can not help
He draws her tight

Ebbs and flows
She can not help
She falls in love

Waiting patiently
To see him at night

But the moon goes dark
For many nights
Then slowly turning bright

She feels so much.
The tides arise
Her feelings; shooting stars
Meteors traveling in the night
Crashing into the moon mid flight

He has no defenses
He’s vulnerable too
She: bound by the gravitational pull
He: bound to be distant and cold…

Only men walked on the moon
What can she do?

She cries and cries
Salty water to expel

How long will it take?
She doesn’t know
But sorrow for now
Is her only home

For he is the moon
And she is the sea
Never meant to be


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I know now

 

I know now you will never love me
You have known love
The love that consumes
The love that makes you want to protect
The love that makes everything seem brighter
The love that takes away the pain
The love that makes you want to be a better man
The love that makes you hurt when she is hurting
The love that sees a future with only one
The love that makes two become one
Your love for me is not this
I know now
Our love is only mine, never shared by you
And yet, you still have my love
You won’t feel it with me
You can’t see it because I’m not the one
I’m hurting but choose to stay
How long can I do this before I disappear?
Are you the last one I’ll love?Inspirational Ideas For Creating Abstract Art With Your iPhone Photos.jpg


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Why don’t you

ashes_to_ashes__dust_to_dust__by_cheesysteele-d3nfklw.jpg

Why don’t you treat me bad
I’ve treated you so badly
I’m letting you go, but you hold on
I can’t go back
I’m changing, I’m not me anymore
Let me go, I’m a stranger now
This place we built is a ruin
I’ve put it to rest, dust to dust
It’s dead
The me I once was is dust too
I am destined to be alone
And this I choose so let me go
Why hold on to the dead
Why don’t you put me to rest


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Dead Inside

Dead inside __ by Pure-Poison89 on DeviantArt.jpgI long to be dead inside. What freedom. No more feelings. No more cares. Like Estella from great expectations. Cold and calculated. Pretty on the outside, dead on the inside.
No man will hold any power over me. I can be ruthless without blinking an eyelid.
No person will be able to hurt me. No more tears.
My heart will be so hard, nothing could break it.
Is this not the way to be? I’ve never considered this, until now.
I’m tired of feeling. I want to stop and die inside so I can live a new way