I have great people in my life. I really do. I couldn’t ask for more loyal friends that tries to help me or a more loving family. They try to understand why I am the way I am. They tell me to pick myself up. Do it for your child, do it for you. You are strong. You can do this. You will get through this. You will get better. This might all be very true, but I’m hurting. Hurt; maybe that word has lost it’s meaning. Maybe pain? Does that work better? I don’t think so. Does swearing help? I’m in fucking agony? I don’t think so. There are no words to explain how I feel. There is not one single person on this planet that knows, accept me.
Yes, I might seem wrapped up in myself..selfish, me, me me. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day and find a reason not to end it all.
I have to sit and keep my shit together when I’m suddenly overwhelmed out of nowhere with feelings that eats me like maggots from the inside out. Crawling under my skin. Eating flesh that is dead, yet still alive. Flesh that feels, but not sustain.
Feelings of shame. Of self loathing. Of disappointment in myself for allowing people to treat me the way they do. Feelings of insufficiency. Feelings of not being enough for anyone. Feelings of being an incompetent participant in the game show of life.
I am at a loss for words. Please don’t ask me to explain. Rather hold me. Breath next to me. Sit with me. Look at me and see me for what I am and then decide if you want to remain or go. Don’t tell me. Just leave or stay. I don’t want your money, your love, your time if it’s not given unconditionally. Don’t waste words on me.
There is nothing to explain.