I haven’t written for a long time…since April. So much have happened in my life. A lot of changes, a lot of battles, particularly within myself. I’ve mastered the art of smiling and being happy outwards, but inside I’m in turmoil. Every day at work I smile and laugh but inside I cry, inside I’m restless.

I have overwhelming feelings of disappearing, to leave everything and everyone I know, behind. I know this is not the answer, but oh how I wish I could. I try so hard to find something to inspire me, to keep me going, but I fail. The core of this is that I am so unhappy with myself. If happiness doesn’t originate from within, it won’t last. Nobody really knows how I feel accept one or two friends. I turn to them but I’m starting to feel guilty that I am a burden to them.

I am on medication since April to help with the dark thoughts. I don’t know if it’s really working. It did in the beginning, but now, I feel numb. Dead with no aim or purpose.

What do I do? I have no idea. Who do I turn to? I have no idea. Where am I going? I have no idea. What will become of me? I have no idea.

I know why people commit suicide now. I’m not capable of that. I love my daughter too much, but I understand. I will never judge those people again.