New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

I’m still learning

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I’m still learning. Life never stops teaching you lessons. What did I learn this past week?

Time waits for no man. I celebrated my birthday this week. On paper I’m 41 now, in my heart I’m 61, in my mind and spirit I’m 21.

My heart ages quicker. It’s been used so much more than the rest of me. It’s loved, it’s lost, it’s been cracked, it’s been broken. I use it every day. I don’t know any other way than selfless love and unconditional giving.

I learned that some friendships are worth fighting for, even when you are angry, sad, disappointed or confused. Some friendships you just don’t give up on. These are the ones that will last a lifetime. The connection I have with a few people can’t and will never be broken.

I learned what it feels like to be physically fulfilled. So much so that I know with every fibre of my body that I will never have that feeling of fulfilment again. To be touched in a way that I didn’t even knew I needed.  To be ‘loved’ and love in return. I have this memory and I wonder if any man could live up to giving me so much pleasure, ever again.

I learned that the low after the high can easily drown you. It takes focus, lots of tears and silent screams to get back to the middle. I am getting better at dealing with the lows. This must be why life gives you these lows. You need to learn, you need to be better prepared for the next one and take it in your stride. I no longer fight these lows. I go with them. I embrace them and deal with them. I’m not afraid. I know that I won’t die. I will only get stronger.

The most important lesson I learned this week. Life has some sad sick twists in its tail for me. A friend told me, the universe can be cruel sometimes. I found out that my physical age does matter. There are certain things that are no longer an option and because of that, I can’t offer what a younger woman can and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. This is my hardest lesson, there isn’t a solution to every problem / obstacle. For a problem solver like me, this is a hard lesson. I can’t fix everything. I can’t be the right person for the person that is so right for me.




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