New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Shadowman

you appear when there’s light
only an outline
of a man
nothing inside the lines
you think outside the lines
hand held up to the sun
you hide behind
always there
forgotten but attached
at night you can’t be seen
invisible
you convince her
you left

 
but you’re observing
waiting
waiting
for the light


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Before 2016

I know 2017 has already started in some parts of the world, but for me it’s still 7 hours away. I’m not going out tonight, in fact I’ve started to enjoy my own company. I listen to my audio books, play games on my xbox (yes, I’m a gamer chick), watch a movie or go for long walks. I love walks enveloped by fog. Makes the world seem mysterious and exciting. Adventure waiting around every bend. It’s the things I don’t see coming, good or bad,  that injects my life with surprises!

And off course, I love writing on my blog. It’s liberating to have a release. To put thoughts on paper and share them. The thoughts I tend to struggle with and that I want to pour out of me, are the negative ones. Hence why my blog can appear to be centered around hurt, pain, unhappiness.

Now, looking back at 2016 it’s almost too easy to get caught up in the negative happenings this year. I’m an optimist by nature, a glass half full kind of person. I’ve been called many bad things this year, by one person in particular, This one person was my lifeline at times, but also the biggest trigger that pushed me into a dark depression again; not once but twice this year.

As an only child, I’m extremely independent and also a bit of a perfectionist. I am my biggest critic. I have spent many hours trying to understand how I let the events of this year affect me in such a myriad of ways. How my emotions became so unstable, like a small little sailboat, in the middle of the ocean, with no way of fighting the storms and winds that hit me. Yes, the sun shone and there were peace at times, but the storm always returned.

Looking inside with the help of meditation and desperate to find answers, I looked at my timeline and realised that I was a ticking bomb that exploded in 2016.

1987 – 1992 high school.  I was bullied and very much a loner. I was content though. I would much rather read than go out. I devoured books. Any topic, fiction, non-fiction. I had and still have such a wide range of interests. I had many dreams and decided to study medicine.

1993 – 1997 university. My dreams of becoming a doctor didn’t work out. I discovered freedom and the social joys of being a student. Far away from home where nobody knew me; I could be myself without any pre-existing opinions and judgments from my fellow students. I studied microbiology instead.

The turning point came when I was raped. A large part of my hopes and dreams of meeting a special man and having a happily married life and children, changed that day. I had only discovered boys shortly before I was raped. I had my first kiss when I was 19.

In 1996 I met my first husband, two years after my rape. I fell in love. It happened fast. So quick. I thought, this is it. I wanted to be loved and he definitely obliged. He was a gentle man. For a year or two everything was great. It was a long distance relationship.

1998 – 2004 My first husband proposed in 1999 when we finally started living in the same town. At this point I had started working already and was a manager with a lot of potential to climb even higher on the corporate ladder. I ended up in finance as work in microbiology was scarce at that point in time. My then fiance, was freshly out of university. We had grown at different speeds and in different ways. My intuition told me that we were no longer that perfect match I thought we were, but I kept ignoring it. My body must have tried to warn me too as I started having panic attacks. Pretty severe ones. For no apparent reason. I thought the rape was well behind me. I was embarking on a new life. I was doing very well career wise. What is causing this?

We were married in 2000 and divorced in 2001. I was on anti depressants. I had also met someone at work that I was very attracted to. So I went straight from a failed marriage into an affair. It was very physical. Not a lot of emotional ties there. Not a lot in common. I guess in hindsight, your typical rebound. I was having fun I thought.

2006 – 2015 baby years. In 2006 I fell pregnant and we decided to get married. I was three months pregnant when I said “I do” for the second time. High on pregnancy hormones and dreams of a little baby, I was happy. I never thought I could get pregnant. Then the birth. It was like being raped again. The way I was physically hurt, it hurt me in almost exactly the same way I was hurt before. Nothing could prepare me for this. How was I to know that childbirth would rewind my body back to the darkest period of my life.

It took about a month for my maternal instinct to kick in. I was too hurt and scared. But when it did, I was right as rain, I thought. The next 8 years was dedicated to my daughter. I gave her all my love, attention, time, energy. My husband did the same. We drifted apart. We hardly spent any time alone. We were exhausted. We lost each other. We couldn’t have sex. We had so little in common, apart from our daughter, that “conversations” were either disagreements or sitting next to each other on our phones.

At the end of 2015 I remembered that I was a person. I had needs. So many. I neglected my emotional needs to the point where I didn’t even know I had emotions or desires. I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was that I was more than just a mother

 

 

 

 

 


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My love

Unrequited Love Can Serve You Well If You Let It_ The Benefits Of ___.jpgMy love hurts & aches
It cuts my hands, my lips, my heart
It leaves a hole in my centre that can’t be filled
My love is wrong
I drown the ones I love, they struggle to breath
I give my all and it’s not enough
I long to be held and told I deserve to be loved
Love that washes away the pain the guilt
Why is my love so complicated?
Pure, simple love that takes away fear, this is what I need
Love that can be seen through action
Love I can feel in his arms
Love that flows freely between us
Is this love just not for me?
Pain, tears, loneliness
How long will I wait?
How long before someone sees me and can’t help but love me…


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The truth about loss

the truth that you’ll find will always be
The truth you hide

the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear

Collective Soul, How do you love

Collective Soul is one of my all time favourite bands. Listening to this song today and more specifically these words, made me think.

There are many ways the lyrics can be interpreted, but to me the truths we hide are our gut feelings or intuition.  Our brains are complex and I believe it picks up on things we don’t immediately recognise, be it body language or things that are said that we choose to ignore because we refuse to accept the truth. The brain picks up these subtle clues and processes it. Subconsciously we know what the truth is in most situations, but we refuse to go with our gut feeling. I found hidden truths these past months that were hiding for years, even as long as most of my life.

This is where true friends can give you an objective opinion because they have nothing to lose like you do. Which brings me to the next thought, why are we so scared of loss? Yes, the loss of human life is never easy or desirable, especially the people you love and care for. I had a dream last night that one of my friends died. I woke up almost in tears. If you ever want to find out how much someone means to you, imagine them dying. How you react will surprise you, I guarantee it. However loss doesn’t always have to mean losing a person to death. It can be losing a person through the break up of a relationship. I think most people have had their hearts broken. It’s probably the second most painful experience you can have. I remember when the man I had my first affair with (first marriage) ended things out of the blue and without any warning. I remember crying, sobbing, begging. Eventually, realising that he was not going to change his mind, I decided to drive home. Two hours later, driving through blurry, teary eyes on dangerous roads, I arrived home. My parents didn’t ask questions, they could see I was very upset. They just held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I got up, went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to cut my face with scissors or shaving blades. I ended up cutting my hair off instead. I stood there in front of that mirror and started hacking away at my hair. I had beautiful long curly hair. My Dad must have heard my sobs because he stormed into the bathroom and grabbed the scissors from my hand. The damage was already done though. His initial reaction was that of anger. He asked me why? What or who could be worth all this?  I told him I hated myself. Yet, later that day, I drove back to my house, and I was back at work the next day. I never gave myself time to heal, I just threw myself back into work and carried on.

The words you fear will always be the words you hear. Not sometimes, always…really? I think this is probably the case when it comes to love and as the song is about how we love, I am confident it doesn’t apply to everything in life. A self fulfilling prophecy. This is what it is. I never heard this term till recently when a friend told me to stop thinking negatively. I think as human beings, filled with hopes and dreams but at the same time equal amounts of fear, we can easily see the negative instead of the positive. You are what you eat, so then I  guess, you act as you think? Even when you are trying to be the most positive person in the world, if your inner thoughts are negative and fearful, it will show through your actions. These actions will push people away, even if you think that’s the last thing you’re doing. So, what do you have to lose by being positive, or at least trying to be positive as often as possible? Nothing. So the conclusion is, think positive and you will not lose, but if the situation starts to make you feel negative, accept that the subsequent loss, isn’t really a loss.

 

 

 


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Fear

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I’ve had such a good week and I only made one conscious decision every day and that is, do not let your emotions control you.

Emotions are good at the right times, but being emotional all the time is just not healthy. I realized this the hard way. I’m at peace and I plan on staying here. When my thoughts run away with me, I real them back in.

The only constant is change. I never liked change, I feared it. Now I embrace it and allow it to excite me rather than scare me. Change is inevitable, both the changes we make in our lives as well as the ones that hits us like lightning, you don’t know when or where it will strike, but it will bring about change.

I have to say thank you to one dear friend that has opened my mind to recognize the deep seated root of my emotional anguishes and failed relationships. Not only has he revealed within me the hope that I might still find true love out there in the world, but also that I have so much to offer and so much potential. It takes a unique connection for one human being to open another in such a devastating, yet necessary way. I can honestly say that no therapy could have achieved what he did when I was at my lowest.

And so, a new chapter starts. One that I have no plan for. I’m not overthinking, I’m not analyzing. I’m going to be myself, love myself and appreciate every moment, even the bad ones, because life is indeed very short and before I know it, I’ll be gone. What I want people to remember about me is only one thing. She lived her life without fear. Fearless is the way I’m going to live. Fear only steals precious energy. Fear holds us back from finding out what we really want. Fear clouds the mind and keeps the potential locked inside. Fear has been added to my fuck-it list.

 

 


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Conflict

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways of truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Conflict with others

I have been living an unfulfilled and unhappy life for a long time. Not just the past ten years, but way before that. On this journey of self discovery I have come to realize that I have never put my needs first in any of my relationships but also haven’t dealt correctly with the situations where my needs were not being met. You can only work on a problem once you acknowledge it. I have conflict issues. This is by far the biggest obstacle I face on the road to recovery and healthier relationships. I hate disappointing people or the idea of people not liking me. As a result I avoid conflict, even though I would easily say to people I’m a real fighter and that I will defend my views, but being argumentative is not the same as dealing with conflict in a healthy way. I have been avoiding conflict so effectively, I didn’t even know I was doing it until recently. I have a huge fear of being rejected. I convince myself that if they, especially people I love, knew what I actual needed, they will reject me. For me every situation always has a winner and a loser, but conflict management is not about achieving a victory. When someone I really care for gets upset with me, I want to run away. When I am upset, I struggle to deal with my emotions and they take over and I say and do things I feel mortified about the next day. My emotions are so out of control, I end up making statements that are so far from what my actual needs are, it’s scary. The worst thing is that I believe conflict will destroy a couple and not bring them closer together or even the closer a couple gets to each other, the less conflict there is.

Inner conflict

Inner conflict is that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. I have avoided it for so long it has become a festering sore. Instead of acknowledging my needs, I have made many decisions I felt at the time was ‘the right thing to do’ or the politically correct decision. By doing this continuously I never acknowledge my own core values and beliefs. Instead I end up with volatile emotions and reactions that are unpredictable, even to myself. I have no idea how to resolve these inner conflicts, but what I do know is that without resolve, I can’t move forward on this new road of self love and discovery.

I came across a site that I found very helpful. The first recommendation is to try and separate your true desires from your required desires. Required desires are created by a fear/lack based conditioning of the mind. How long have I been living with required desires? Many times I convinced myself that I needed something which I now recognize as based in fear or feelings that I lack things in my life. In order to identify my true desires, I need to find out who I really am as a person. Who am I really?


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Trapped

Emotional roller-coaster

I feel trapped. The emotional roller-coaster is riding high and I’m trying to limit the tickets. I managed to sever all ties with the men I met over the last four months. No more dirty messages, dirty talk, naked pics. I’m trying to distance myself from friends too. When my thoughts become muddled and chaotic, destruction is all I leave in my wake. I hurt people I care for more than myself, effortlessly.

Feeling trapped is starting to filter into my subconscious. I have nightmares every night, IF I manage to sleep. The first one was Tuesday night. I was pinned down by someone and I couldn’t get free. It feels so real. I wake up, heart pounding, coated in a film of sweat. I thought it was a once off, but every night since then I struggle to sleep and I have similar nightmares. I get choked, I can’t breath, I can’t break free.

The problem is, I don’t know how to free myself from this marriage. My biggest fear is telling my parents. My Mom especially. She is a feisty woman with a short temper. She has improved a lot, but it’s still there, lurking and very unpredictable. I have vivid memories of her losing her temper. My Dad was always the culprit, but I was also the trigger at times, especially in my teenage years. Nothing and nobody could escape once she was on a roll. It was even worse if she had something in her hand at that very moment. Furniture broken or glasses smashed. LPs broken in half (particularly the ones my Dad liked). If she had nothing in her hands she would self harm. I remember one incident where she said to me she didn’t like the way I spoke to her and that she is a human being. At this point she proceeded with scratching her arm open with her nails, blood coming out and her screaming at me, do you see? I’m HUMAN, I FEEL! So yes, I’m scared of her. I’m scared of the reaction. I know what they will say. You are not fighting for your marriage. You are not trying to work things out and make it work. Do you think we didn’t struggle through the years? Did we walk out on each other; no we stayed together for you. Think about your child and what this will do to her. What are you going to do with your life? Is there someone else? Are you having an affair again?

Just writing this down I’m petrified. I’m trapped. I’m trapped in my marriage with no escape, but it’s no longer a marriage. It’s one big resentment. This is all my husband has for me now. He is demanding that I take action, says he’s in limbo and that I’m just prolonging his hurt. He listens to the all the songs written about cheating and cheaters. I’m bombarded every day with snide remarks about my clothes, my hair. If I laugh or smile he wants to know why?

How long before I’ll have a nervous breakdown? How much more can I take? How many tears am I still going to cry? How long am I going to be trapped. I see only endless darkness with no chances of reconciliation and no way to escape.