New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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The truth about loss

the truth that you’ll find will always be
The truth you hide

the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear

Collective Soul, How do you love

Collective Soul is one of my all time favourite bands. Listening to this song today and more specifically these words, made me think.

There are many ways the lyrics can be interpreted, but to me the truths we hide are our gut feelings or intuition.  Our brains are complex and I believe it picks up on things we don’t immediately recognise, be it body language or things that are said that we choose to ignore because we refuse to accept the truth. The brain picks up these subtle clues and processes it. Subconsciously we know what the truth is in most situations, but we refuse to go with our gut feeling. I found hidden truths these past months that were hiding for years, even as long as most of my life.

This is where true friends can give you an objective opinion because they have nothing to lose like you do. Which brings me to the next thought, why are we so scared of loss? Yes, the loss of human life is never easy or desirable, especially the people you love and care for. I had a dream last night that one of my friends died. I woke up almost in tears. If you ever want to find out how much someone means to you, imagine them dying. How you react will surprise you, I guarantee it. However loss doesn’t always have to mean losing a person to death. It can be losing a person through the break up of a relationship. I think most people have had their hearts broken. It’s probably the second most painful experience you can have. I remember when the man I had my first affair with (first marriage) ended things out of the blue and without any warning. I remember crying, sobbing, begging. Eventually, realising that he was not going to change his mind, I decided to drive home. Two hours later, driving through blurry, teary eyes on dangerous roads, I arrived home. My parents didn’t ask questions, they could see I was very upset. They just held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I got up, went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to cut my face with scissors or shaving blades. I ended up cutting my hair off instead. I stood there in front of that mirror and started hacking away at my hair. I had beautiful long curly hair. My Dad must have heard my sobs because he stormed into the bathroom and grabbed the scissors from my hand. The damage was already done though. His initial reaction was that of anger. He asked me why? What or who could be worth all this?  I told him I hated myself. Yet, later that day, I drove back to my house, and I was back at work the next day. I never gave myself time to heal, I just threw myself back into work and carried on.

The words you fear will always be the words you hear. Not sometimes, always…really? I think this is probably the case when it comes to love and as the song is about how we love, I am confident it doesn’t apply to everything in life. A self fulfilling prophecy. This is what it is. I never heard this term till recently when a friend told me to stop thinking negatively. I think as human beings, filled with hopes and dreams but at the same time equal amounts of fear, we can easily see the negative instead of the positive. You are what you eat, so then I  guess, you act as you think? Even when you are trying to be the most positive person in the world, if your inner thoughts are negative and fearful, it will show through your actions. These actions will push people away, even if you think that’s the last thing you’re doing. So, what do you have to lose by being positive, or at least trying to be positive as often as possible? Nothing. So the conclusion is, think positive and you will not lose, but if the situation starts to make you feel negative, accept that the subsequent loss, isn’t really a loss.




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I’ve had such a good week and I only made one conscious decision every day and that is, do not let your emotions control you.

Emotions are good at the right times, but being emotional all the time is just not healthy. I realized this the hard way. I’m at peace and I plan on staying here. When my thoughts run away with me, I real them back in.

The only constant is change. I never liked change, I feared it. Now I embrace it and allow it to excite me rather than scare me. Change is inevitable, both the changes we make in our lives as well as the ones that hits us like lightning, you don’t know when or where it will strike, but it will bring about change.

I have to say thank you to one dear friend that has opened my mind to recognize the deep seated root of my emotional anguishes and failed relationships. Not only has he revealed within me the hope that I might still find true love out there in the world, but also that I have so much to offer and so much potential. It takes a unique connection for one human being to open another in such a devastating, yet necessary way. I can honestly say that no therapy could have achieved what he did when I was at my lowest.

And so, a new chapter starts. One that I have no plan for. I’m not overthinking, I’m not analyzing. I’m going to be myself, love myself and appreciate every moment, even the bad ones, because life is indeed very short and before I know it, I’ll be gone. What I want people to remember about me is only one thing. She lived her life without fear. Fearless is the way I’m going to live. Fear only steals precious energy. Fear holds us back from finding out what we really want. Fear clouds the mind and keeps the potential locked inside. Fear has been added to my fuck-it list.



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The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways of truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Conflict with others

I have been living an unfulfilled and unhappy life for a long time. Not just the past ten years, but way before that. On this journey of self discovery I have come to realize that I have never put my needs first in any of my relationships but also haven’t dealt correctly with the situations where my needs were not being met. You can only work on a problem once you acknowledge it. I have conflict issues. This is by far the biggest obstacle I face on the road to recovery and healthier relationships. I hate disappointing people or the idea of people not liking me. As a result I avoid conflict, even though I would easily say to people I’m a real fighter and that I will defend my views, but being argumentative is not the same as dealing with conflict in a healthy way. I have been avoiding conflict so effectively, I didn’t even know I was doing it until recently. I have a huge fear of being rejected. I convince myself that if they, especially people I love, knew what I actual needed, they will reject me. For me every situation always has a winner and a loser, but conflict management is not about achieving a victory. When someone I really care for gets upset with me, I want to run away. When I am upset, I struggle to deal with my emotions and they take over and I say and do things I feel mortified about the next day. My emotions are so out of control, I end up making statements that are so far from what my actual needs are, it’s scary. The worst thing is that I believe conflict will destroy a couple and not bring them closer together or even the closer a couple gets to each other, the less conflict there is.

Inner conflict

Inner conflict is that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. I have avoided it for so long it has become a festering sore. Instead of acknowledging my needs, I have made many decisions I felt at the time was ‘the right thing to do’ or the politically correct decision. By doing this continuously I never acknowledge my own core values and beliefs. Instead I end up with volatile emotions and reactions that are unpredictable, even to myself. I have no idea how to resolve these inner conflicts, but what I do know is that without resolve, I can’t move forward on this new road of self love and discovery.

I came across a site that I found very helpful. The first recommendation is to try and separate your true desires from your required desires. Required desires are created by a fear/lack based conditioning of the mind. How long have I been living with required desires? Many times I convinced myself that I needed something which I now recognize as based in fear or feelings that I lack things in my life. In order to identify my true desires, I need to find out who I really am as a person. Who am I really?



Emotional roller-coaster

I feel trapped. The emotional roller-coaster is riding high and I’m trying to limit the tickets. I managed to sever all ties with the men I met over the last four months. No more dirty messages, dirty talk, naked pics. I’m trying to distance myself from friends too. When my thoughts become muddled and chaotic, destruction is all I leave in my wake. I hurt people I care for more than myself, effortlessly.

Feeling trapped is starting to filter into my subconscious. I have nightmares every night, IF I manage to sleep. The first one was Tuesday night. I was pinned down by someone and I couldn’t get free. It feels so real. I wake up, heart pounding, coated in a film of sweat. I thought it was a once off, but every night since then I struggle to sleep and I have similar nightmares. I get choked, I can’t breath, I can’t break free.

The problem is, I don’t know how to free myself from this marriage. My biggest fear is telling my parents. My Mom especially. She is a feisty woman with a short temper. She has improved a lot, but it’s still there, lurking and very unpredictable. I have vivid memories of her losing her temper. My Dad was always the culprit, but I was also the trigger at times, especially in my teenage years. Nothing and nobody could escape once she was on a roll. It was even worse if she had something in her hand at that very moment. Furniture broken or glasses smashed. LPs broken in half (particularly the ones my Dad liked). If she had nothing in her hands she would self harm. I remember one incident where she said to me she didn’t like the way I spoke to her and that she is a human being. At this point she proceeded with scratching her arm open with her nails, blood coming out and her screaming at me, do you see? I’m HUMAN, I FEEL! So yes, I’m scared of her. I’m scared of the reaction. I know what they will say. You are not fighting for your marriage. You are not trying to work things out and make it work. Do you think we didn’t struggle through the years? Did we walk out on each other; no we stayed together for you. Think about your child and what this will do to her. What are you going to do with your life? Is there someone else? Are you having an affair again?

Just writing this down I’m petrified. I’m trapped. I’m trapped in my marriage with no escape, but it’s no longer a marriage. It’s one big resentment. This is all my husband has for me now. He is demanding that I take action, says he’s in limbo and that I’m just prolonging his hurt. He listens to the all the songs written about cheating and cheaters. I’m bombarded every day with snide remarks about my clothes, my hair. If I laugh or smile he wants to know why?

How long before I’ll have a nervous breakdown? How much more can I take? How many tears am I still going to cry? How long am I going to be trapped. I see only endless darkness with no chances of reconciliation and no way to escape.