I feel trapped. The emotional roller-coaster is riding high and I’m trying to limit the tickets. I managed to sever all ties with the men I met over the last four months. No more dirty messages, dirty talk, naked pics. I’m trying to distance myself from friends too. When my thoughts become muddled and chaotic, destruction is all I leave in my wake. I hurt people I care for more than myself, effortlessly.
Feeling trapped is starting to filter into my subconscious. I have nightmares every night, IF I manage to sleep. The first one was Tuesday night. I was pinned down by someone and I couldn’t get free. It feels so real. I wake up, heart pounding, coated in a film of sweat. I thought it was a once off, but every night since then I struggle to sleep and I have similar nightmares. I get choked, I can’t breath, I can’t break free.
The problem is, I don’t know how to free myself from this marriage. My biggest fear is telling my parents. My Mom especially. She is a feisty woman with a short temper. She has improved a lot, but it’s still there, lurking and very unpredictable. I have vivid memories of her losing her temper. My Dad was always the culprit, but I was also the trigger at times, especially in my teenage years. Nothing and nobody could escape once she was on a roll. It was even worse if she had something in her hand at that very moment. Furniture broken or glasses smashed. LPs broken in half (particularly the ones my Dad liked). If she had nothing in her hands she would self harm. I remember one incident where she said to me she didn’t like the way I spoke to her and that she is a human being. At this point she proceeded with scratching her arm open with her nails, blood coming out and her screaming at me, do you see? I’m HUMAN, I FEEL! So yes, I’m scared of her. I’m scared of the reaction. I know what they will say. You are not fighting for your marriage. You are not trying to work things out and make it work. Do you think we didn’t struggle through the years? Did we walk out on each other; no we stayed together for you. Think about your child and what this will do to her. What are you going to do with your life? Is there someone else? Are you having an affair again?
Just writing this down I’m petrified. I’m trapped. I’m trapped in my marriage with no escape, but it’s no longer a marriage. It’s one big resentment. This is all my husband has for me now. He is demanding that I take action, says he’s in limbo and that I’m just prolonging his hurt. He listens to the all the songs written about cheating and cheaters. I’m bombarded every day with snide remarks about my clothes, my hair. If I laugh or smile he wants to know why?
How long before I’ll have a nervous breakdown? How much more can I take? How many tears am I still going to cry? How long am I going to be trapped. I see only endless darkness with no chances of reconciliation and no way to escape.