Never give up. Have hope. Expect only the best from life and take action to get it – Catherine Pulsifer
It’s so easy to wallow in self pity, sadness and all the injustices of the past . It’s a strangely comfortable place to be in. You have a reason to stay exactly where you are when you are in this state of mind, BUT it only gives you a false sense of security. Yes as a female I have hormonal ups and downs to contend with, but ultimately I need to get out of this state. If you’re in this state long enough, you even forget you’re in it, resulting in a mental stasis. No progress, no change.
I will not be consumed by it. It has to stop. I have to stop expecting the worst. I need to love myself again, not pity myself, not revel in my own sadness and hurt, but find my true self again. Only when you truly know yourself can you identify what it is you want or need. I tried to make a list of things that make me happy. Not what people do that makes me happy, but what I do or experience that makes me happy. It sounds selfish, but I’m trying to have a monologue, not a dialogue.
Yes, singing makes me very happy. I’m always singing or have a song in my head. I even hear songs in the words people say to me. My friends are used to this as I will sometimes start singing a song mid conversation that contains the words they just said. Most of the time I restrain myself from doing it, but with friends that know me well, I just do it :). At the moment my life is like a collection of Pink songs. I think Pink and I could be best friends if we ever met. High hopes of that happening, but never say never! Yes, music moves me and inspires me and it’s a big part of my life. From the classics to modern day monotonous beats and pretty unimaginative lyrics.
I play the piano and when I do, I go to a quiet place with no thoughts, bliss. I can leave the world behind. Harmony creating harmony. For me, playing piano is a deeply personal experience. I don’t play well in front of others, so no concert pianist hidden deep inside. I feel vulnerable when I play because it exposes my soul. I play Beethoven and Chopin when I’m melancholy, Bach when I’m happy and Clare de Lune when I’m in love or feeling loved. My favorite modern day composer is Michael Nyman. The songs from the movie ‘The Piano’ moves me and I relate to them. If only I could compose, but I’m not that talented. Happy to appreciate and play the works of the masters.
I love the outdoors and looking for the small things that we take for granted. On one of my walks mid autumn, I stopped at a poplar tree. What made me stop was the sound of the wind as it moved the leaves. It gave me goosebumps. The leaves were beautiful too. Green on one side and silver on the other creating a beautiful contrast. It made me happy to stand there for a while, closing my eyes and just listening. Nature creates it’s own music.
There is a bench on top of a small hill near my house. I like to lie on top of it and just stare into the sky. If it’s cloudy I look for shapes and faces in the clouds. One very windy day I reached the top and collapsed on the bench. It had taken a lot of energy to climb the hill that day and I needed the rest. The clouds were moving really fast and very low. It seemed like I could reach up and touch them. They touched me instead. Very small droplets of rain started pelting down, driven by the wind. The droplets on my face, the clouds speeding by, it felt amazing. I could stay there all day long and not get bored.
I love the seaside. I think the sea is in my blood. I don’t know why, but nothing recharges my batteries and brings me more joy than the beach. Long barefoot walks on the sand or pebbles if you’re not close to a golden sandy beach. Reflexology is good for the body they say and walking barefoot on a pebbly beach is basically like walking on a reflexology board. I love rock pools. I remember catching a tiny octopus in a rock pool close to where the rocks stop and the ocean starts. It fitted in my hand, sucking onto my palm for dear life. It was a little thing of beauty. I always gently push my finger between the little tentacles of an anemone to feel how it grasps my finger, but it will always let go when it realizes that your finger is not the next meal. If you put your finger back in the same anemone, it doesn’t even bother grasping it again. It now knows that you are not food. If only we learned from our mistakes this quickly.
The night sky
I love to watch the sky at night. The moon enchants me and I always feel inspired by a full moon. Meteor showers are my favorite. Who doesn’t like to wish upon a star? And you get plenty of wishes when you watch a meteor shower. My family thinks I’m crazy of course as some of the best ones happen in autumn and winter. I’ve sat in my garden, wrapped up like an Eskimo, staring at the sky for hours, waiting to see the next shooting star. I’ve seen some awesome meteors and every single time I smile and almost immediately I can’t wait to see the next one. The next major shower is April – the Lyrids shower. I hope that by April I’ll have more answers than questions, so looking forward to it.