“I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”

“I…have a woman in my arms who has suffered greatly and desperately needs to believe once again that she is beautiful.”

~ Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

I recently bought and watched the movie Silver linings Playbook. It is one of my favourite movies. I find it really funny which might be a bit strange. My Mum always said that life is one big joke to me. You see, I laugh a lot. I laugh when something is funny (as we all do), but I also laugh when people get hurt, like bump their toe, or fall down. I also laugh when I get hurt. When I’m in a lot of physical pain, I laugh. When I’m uncomfortable, which normally makes it more uncomfortable, I laugh. So, yes, I laugh a lot to cope with things, hence why my Mum thinks I find life a big joke.

The main characters in the movie (book) are really troubled people. The male main character suffers from bipolar which is no laughing matter. The female main character lost her husband and coped with his death by leading a somewhat promiscuous life involving plenty of her work colleagues, which does end up getting her fired from her job. I do identify with her in some ways as I became somewhat like her when I realised that my second marriage was heading towards failure too. I have sexually experimented more this past year than ever before in my life. I think it gets to me sometimes as I used to be a bit of a prude. But like the female lead states; “There will also be a part of me that’s dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of me”. And this is true. Even though I go through many lows of questioning what the meaning of it all is and why I’m doing what I’m doing, I don’t regret it for a minute. I’m living, even when I feel down, I’m living. experiencing, feeling, finding.

There is always a silver lining. I find mine in many  things and especially people, when I go through the lows. I need to learn how to hold onto these. A close friend recently told me something that I think might keep me smiling for months if not years to come. He told me that he loved me. It’s not the way he said it, it’s the why he said it – he backed it up. Saying I love you means nothing if you can’t back it up with a reason. You don’t just love, you come to love. Falling in love is the journey towards the real thing. Sometimes you don’t even fall in love; you come to love without realising, without the butterflies and fairy tale notions. Love takes its time, it’s patient. These words are the most meaningful I’ve heard in a long time “Then, by chance, I came to adore every aspect that is you”  and they were said to me, for me. My silver lining for now. Knowing that I can be loved, for who I am, every aspect of me. The good, the bad, the really bad, the sloppy and dirty parts of me.