New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Silver lining

“I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.”

“I…have a woman in my arms who has suffered greatly and desperately needs to believe once again that she is beautiful.”

Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

I recently bought and watched the movie Silver linings Playbook. It is one of my favourite movies. I find it really funny which might be a bit strange. My Mum always said that life is one big joke to me. You see, I laugh a lot. I laugh when something is funny (as we all do), but I also laugh when people get hurt, like bump their toe, or fall down. I also laugh when I get hurt. When I’m in a lot of physical pain, I laugh. When I’m uncomfortable, which normally makes it more uncomfortable, I laugh. So, yes, I laugh a lot to cope with things, hence why my Mum thinks I find life a big joke.

The main characters in the movie (book) are really troubled people. The male main character suffers from bipolar which is no laughing matter. The female main character lost her husband and coped with his death by leading a somewhat promiscuous life involving plenty of her work colleagues, which does end up getting her fired from her job. I do identify with her in some ways as I became somewhat like her when I realised that my second marriage was heading towards failure too. I have sexually experimented more this past year than ever before in my life. I think it gets to me sometimes as I used to be a bit of a prude. But like the female lead states; “There will also be a part of me that’s dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of me”. And this is true. Even though I go through many lows of questioning what the meaning of it all is and why I’m doing what I’m doing, I don’t regret it for a minute. I’m living, even when I feel down, I’m living. experiencing, feeling, finding.

There is always a silver lining. I find mine in many  things and especially people, when I go through the lows. I need to learn how to hold onto these. A close friend recently told me something that I think might keep me smiling for months if not years to come. He told me that he loved me. It’s not the way he said it, it’s the why he said it – he backed it up. Saying I love you means nothing if you can’t back it up with a reason. You don’t just love, you come to love. Falling in love is the journey towards the real thing. Sometimes you don’t even fall in love; you come to love without realising, without the butterflies and fairy tale notions. Love takes its time, it’s patient. These words are the most meaningful I’ve heard in a long time “Then, by chance, I came to adore every aspect that is you”  and they were said to me, for me. My silver lining for now. Knowing that I can be loved, for who I am, every aspect of me. The good, the bad, the really bad, the sloppy and dirty parts of me.

 


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Happy

Posted by Sadlove Story at 8_13 AM

There is a man I know. He makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been for a very long time.

He is a true friend and confidant.
I can just be myself around him. I don’t have to plan what I’ll say or worry what he’ll think of me. We accept each other’s broken pasts and recognise each other’s faults. He doesn’t define me and I don’t define him. We compliment each other. I’m a better person when I’m around him.

He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He has seen my tears and he has comforted me. His arms is the safest place I know right now.
I wasn’t looking I wasn’t expecting, yet I found exactly what I need. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.


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The middle ground

The middle ground. That place of perfect equilibrium. My goal, the place I would like to be and stay in for longer periods.
The bottom is the worst place to be. Everything that doesn’t float, sinks to the bottom. It almost feels like everything is grounded naturally. Why else does gravity exist? Surely everything sinks or falls or ends up at the bottom because of this basic earthly force. So learning to float like a flying creature can be tricky or so you think. There are things that can make you fly higher than any bird. The emotions that carry us so high, we lose sight of the ground and that’s also not good, although it feels great in the moment.

I have floated high, but I’ve been to the bottom many times, too many times.

Interaction with others create these highs and lows. So logic tells me that only by myself can I reach the middle ground.
This is true to some extent and I am working on achieving this. However some people’s natural middle ground are so close to mine that spending time with them doesn’t make you high or low. They just match. These are my closest friends and the ones I tend to turn to when I’m too high or too low. Their interactions with me brings me back to my middle ground.
True friends are the ones that balances you perfectly.


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Emotions

sometimes

This is a bit of a sticky situation. What do you do when you miss talking to that one person that really has the ability to make you feel better in a way that no-one else can. Even stickier, what if this one person is the reason you’re  feeling bad.

I need to write about the pitfalls of mixing sex with friendship, especially a really good friend. Someone you truly connect with, understand and care for. This is a place I wouldn’t recommend anyone to venture to. It’s a place filled with confusion, blurred lines, new dynamics and ultimately the loss of a really good friend. Is having sex with a friend devaluing that friendship? Yes! One or both won’t be able to deal with it. I’m not talking about someone you have known for ten seconds and decide to have a quick roll in the hay with. I’m talking about a friend that you have shared a lot with. Someone that probably knows what you’re thinking or how you feeling by just looking at your face. Someone that has been there for you and helped you through some dark moments. Someone that knows you and cares for you.

Men and woman are so completely different when it comes to sex. Woman are emotional beings. I feel everything. It helps me to nurture and be a good mother. It helps me to show compassion in situations where most would say walk away. It makes me soft and feminine. But it also makes me so vulnerable. That vulnerability in the right hands is something special that two people will share. But in the wrong hands, even if these hands were safe before, really just equals hurt. Nothing hurts like being vulnerable with someone and they don’t appreciate it. In fact, they don’t think anything of it because they didn’t ask for it. Being vulnerable is a decision, yes driven by some pretty strong emotions in the case of a woman, but still, these emotions can and possibly should be repressed. Men, well sex is sex. A good physical feeling. No emotion. I think if a woman had an orgasm every time she had sex, maybe it would become the same for us. A good physical feeling, but unfortunately women don’t have orgasms every single time they have sex, so instead we need to get something else from it. An emotional connection with the man we are with.

Taking all emotions out of the picture, I know I will be friends with him again, but it will take some time. Time to heal, time to learn how to deal with life without this person. Becoming less dependent on him and learning more about my own strength. Another lesson learned, another little bit of the old me, dead.

 


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Friends

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Best friends

Friends, true friends, are really rare but when you have them you are truly blessed. I have five best friends. They all know what I’ve been through and they have always been there for me. One of my friends, in her thirties, is still a virgin. I found it really difficult to talk to her about my experiences, but still, she gave me such good advice. She paid half of my trip to the coast and in a way, she is the innocence I need to hang on to. I think we all have a little bit of our childlike innocence that we carry with as adults. Children sees the world so pure and uncomplicated. Sometimes I think the best thing to do is un-complicate the situation. Go back to the basics.

Friend number two is much younger than me but we have so much in common. She is going through many of the things I am going through regarding guys with the only exception, she is single and in the prime of her life. She believes in soul mates and “the one”. Something I don’t believe in. There is no such thing, but she keeps saying, he will find you. You don’t need to look for him, he will find you. She is also so wise when it comes to men and relationships. She gets the whole cyber world and all the texting and dating “rules”. The rules I have no idea about and seem to break on a regular basis!

Friend number three. He works with me and really ‘gets’ me. We share similar traumatic experiences in life and he knows what it is to battle depression and anxiety. He is the male friend that helps me when I feel most depressed. He’s been there and he knows what to say to get my thoughts back on track. So many times I’ve text him at silly ‘o clock and he is always there for me. I can tell him anything and everything and he doesn’t judge me. Everyone needs a friend like him.

Friend number four. She is a bit older than me and when my troubles started, I confided in her first. What shocked me was that she in return confessed that she had been having an affair for the last six years with one man, whom I know very well. It was a revelation. She kept it so well hidden and she said she had been dying to tell me, but she was worried about my reaction. Needless to say, it’s good to have a friend that is sort of in the same boat as you are. The difference being, my husband knew I was being unfaithful. Hers is blissfully unaware. We all have secrets.

Friend number five. I only met him recently, but there was an instant connection between us. I’m not really myself on these websites, but with him, I can totally be myself and he understands me. He is very wise and I confided my catfish experience in him. It was amazing how he immediately spotted this man for what he is. The perspective he gave me on my December encounter has helped me tremendously and is invaluable. He makes me think that maybe there is such a thing as fate. How I managed to meet him amongst all the other men, what are the chances? I know we’ll be friends for life.