New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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We all experience loss at some stage of our lives
The loss can be sudden, or gradual; both equally distressing and profound in its effect on our life.
The death of a loved one or a pet. The end of a relationship. Relationships can end gradually resulting in days, weeks, months or even years of anxiety, confusion, unhappiness, unhealthy obsession and regret leading up to the ultimate demise of the partnership. One party in a relationship will always feel more loss than the other. This is inevitable in the relationships that are doomed to end. The reason for this is the imbalance of commitment. Only when both parties are equally committed to the relationship, will it stand a chance to last or at least bring joy and happiness to both  involved.
There always seem to be a new relationship around the corner for most, or time can heal, or rebound love or obsessing over something new, often in the form of an addiction. We eat, we drink, we smoke, we shop.
I am angry. I am angry that what I protected and cherished was taken and lost and no amount of time or begging with the powers that be, or crying, or mourning or anger can restore it.
I was saving myself for the right one and because it was taken against my will, I started giving myself away. To the boy that didn’t really care, to the boy that had no self confidence, to the man that denied his identity his whole life. To the men that have no respect for women. To the man that can’t commit. To the man that doesn’t understand his own heart. I’m easy now. I don’t value my sexuality. It  has slowly but surely devalued over time until it has become something I give away without thought or fear of the consequences. There is one I long to give myself to, truly give myself to. Will he appreciate it? Will he truly understand the passion I harbour in my body, soul, mind…
Please, please let me not give in vain anymore. Show me mercy

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