I’m OK

No, I’m not. It hurts. It really does. When you get badly hurt, and I mean broken hurt, it’s not easy to see past the hurt. I have good days, or maybe hours, and then it will just hit me. An awful sense of melancholy. Why am I so weak?

My introduction to sex was a traumatic one. It has repercussions.  I never had therapy, in fact I kept it a secret from everyone accept my best friend at the time. I felt too ashamed and I didn’t want anyone to know that I was now damaged goods.  My first boyfriend, a year after I was raped, was a really gentle and kind boy. I thought I would struggle to have sex with him, but in fact, I couldn’t sleep with him quick enough. I already thought that this would be the way to keep him attached to me. After 5 years we got married. Little did I know that unresolved, hidden and denied events can leave scars you don’t know about until your are in the wrong situation, like feeling trapped. On my honeymoon I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t have sex with him. I faked illness and we cut the honeymoon short from a week to only two days. I could literally not breath. I needed to go home.

It  is no surprise that this marriage lasted one year. First divorce. It took about six months for the divorce to go through the courts, in which time I had two affairs. One with a man I worked with, the other with the man I’m married to today. My husband and I had a very sexual start to our relationship and I think it would have ended eventually, but I became pregnant and we decided to get married. Giving natural birth to our child broke me again…in the same place I was broken before. It’s difficult for me to say this, but I used to catch myself looking at her when she was a little baby and thinking, you took my womanhood away. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to ever have sex again. Thankfully, these thoughts toward my child stopped soon after she was born and I love my child more than life itself. I hope she will never have to go through what I have. Every girl dreams about her first time, who it will be, if he will love her, will it hurt?

This is when I became asexual. I had no sex. Simple as that. My husband accepted it and we  both just plodded along. To our friends and family we seemed happy. I think we even thought we were happy. Our child became our distraction and and we poured all our time and energy into her. She will be loved.

Maybe I’m still grieving for my virginity that was taken so wrongfully. Maybe I still mourn for that innocent girl that was violated and denied the joy of sharing her first encounter with a man that really loved her. Will the sadness ever go away. Will I ever feel whole again? Am I good enough to be loved for more than just my sex?