New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Will I ever be the same again?

End of December I went away, alone for a couple of days. I needed to recover. What happened turned my world upside down. I didn’t trust anyone. I wanted to hate and be hated. I said some pretty awful things to my best friend in an attempt to lose everything. I hated myself for being so naive and making myself so vulnerable. I realized that when it comes to men, I have no self-control. I do not think rationally and way too emotionally. To have an emotional tie with someone severed so suddenly and without any closure really messed with my emotions, thoughts and heart. My heart was broken, it still is.I didn’t know how to recover. I didn’t think anything could “fix” me.

I love the seaside so decided to go to the coast. Long walks along the coastline helped, but I still cried. Crying had become a daily thing and sometimes so unexpected. I’d be driving and suddenly I’d just start crying.  A song on the radio would bring tears. My life is a mess. I started thinking that therapy is the only way. I started digging around on the internet. Looking for answers. How to get over an emotional affair. How to recover after a break up. How to spot a liar and how to tell someone is lying to you. This is how I found out about sociopaths. I didn’t even know people like this existed. How can anyone be like that? How do you become like that? This was the first time I started feeling closure. Do I really want to continue thinking about someone that are most probably a sociopath? No! I started feeling better.

What NOT to do

I was feeling better and decided to block, delete and stop contact with all the men I had met along the way. Yes, Mr Rich was still in my life. We had decided to be friends and he is very wise and helped me a couple of times with some really good advice. We are still friends, but only friends. Mr Rocks was also still talking to me on and off. He still wanted to have sex with me again, but I told him I can’t and that I need to sort myself out. He is also married and I decided, no more married men. A good woman does not sleep with a married man. Phone sex guy was also still in the picture, but not for long. I went totally psycho bitch via text and voila, he disappeared. It was good while it lasted. In hindsight, all good things do come to an end. There was one other guy that kept popping up. The threesome guy. Yes, I found a very attractive young man that wanted to have a threesome with me and another older woman. We had sex in Nov and it was…not that good. Ever since he has been trying to hook up again, but I don’t really want to. The only problem is, he has my watch! I love that watch. I want it back. So I’m meeting him on Friday, but NO sex.

Once again, my sexual needs started weighing me down. I was still craving sex. Why oh why??  Why could I not go back to being content with my hobbies and work and family? So, what do I do? 4th of January I decided to go back on the ‘dating’ site. This time however, fake name, with email address to match and a fake location. I was not going to be myself. I only wanted sex. Location turned out to be important! Lots of willing men, but too far away. Lots of sexting, but this didn’t quench my appetite. So after a week and 415 messages from various horny old and young men, with some interesting requests and fetishes I should add,  I called it a day again! Closed my account, blocked various people. What’s next?

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