New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Today I really miss my parents. I left them behind. In a crime invested country to fend for themselves in their old age.

My dad works hard. Every day. Maybe not Sundays, but every day. Physical manual labour. He will never have the luxury of retirement. He has no nest egg. Bad decisions in his life cost him that a long time ago. After he lost all his money we moved from house to house. Seven times. Seven houses. He lost everything including his pride. His only child having to support him for months. He built himself back up again, only to lose it all again. At this point I had moved half way around the globe so that I at least, could live a better, safer life in a foreign country. He needs two operations which he can not afford. I can’t help him. My hands are tied. That feeling of helplessness, I wish it on no-one. It’s the worst feeling in the world when there is nothing you can do. Nothing. The word that is so deeply entwined with my life, my name means nothing.

My mum. She is always strong. Even when everything is falling apart around her, she stays strong. She is a fighter. She refuses to give up. She doesn’t know what the word negativity means. She will never stop trying. We have a bond. We have struggled to co-exist throughout my teenage and young adult years. My gentle nature, her feisty nature. Always head to head. But when I needed her, really needed her, she was there. Fighting my corner like a lioness defending her cubs. If she read this blog she would probably give me a hiding for being so fucking weak.

These people shaped me. Their unconditional love taught me how to love and respect. I have been living away from them for 12 years now. Maybe this is why I’ve lost my way. I have lost my foundation. The one they helped me build for many many years. It started crumbling the day I got on that plane to fly away, forever. I can never go back. That life is over, but how I miss them. With every fibre in my body, I miss them so. When I cry for them, it shakes me to the core.

Is this the price I pay for abandoning the only two people that truly cares for me? I pay the price of isolation. Of losing my identity, my foundation, my principles, my values.


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