My love hurts & aches
It cuts my hands, my lips, my heart
It leaves a hole in my centre that can’t be filled
My love is wrong
I drown the ones I love, they struggle to breath
I give my all and it’s not enough
I long to be held and told I deserve to be loved
Love that washes away the pain the guilt
Why is my love so complicated?
Pure, simple love that takes away fear, this is what I need
Love that can be seen through action
Love I can feel in his arms
Love that flows freely between us
Is this love just not for me?
Pain, tears, loneliness
How long will I wait?
How long before someone sees me and can’t help but love me…
Category Archives: Love
Content
See the potential locked inside
Open the door to emotions forgotten
eNter with no preconceived ideas
Tend the garden of new hope and dreams
Envision the future without fear
Now and here is what matters most
True happiness is nothing but the truth
My flower
No-one can love me now
Shattering realisation of time lost
My body reverberates from the cost
Don’t fall in love with me
You will only get hurt
I can never be yours, never my own
I am the poison that will take your life
I am the addiction with no respite
Walk away and leave me here
But then the flower blooms in the snow
The desert rose blooms with hardly any moisture
The flower that only blooms when consumed by fire
The rare flower that blooms once in a lifetime
I am a rare exotic flower
I’ll bloom only in the harshest of circumstances
Waiting for the right gardener
The right nuances
Will it be air, water or fire
The man that sees the desire
It will take a special man
One that recognises the unrecognisable
My heart
I have not written for a while. I almost feel guilty, I’ve let myself down. Through my writing I unravel my thoughts and myself. Picking them apart so I can clearly read and understand them.
My biggest life hurdle by far is coping with feelings and thoughts that I’m not prepared for, the ones that just ‘pops’ into my head when I least expect them. The feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling until they overwhelm me. They overwhelm, I react…bad or good, but because of all the life changing elements I have to deal with at the moment, mostly bad.
I need to rein myself back in. I give in to my feelings and I give in too easily.
There are three people in my life that have a major impact on my life. I trust them with my life and I’m not one of them.
One will always be there. Through the storms, the calm, the confusion, the clarity, she’ll be there. Forever…I find a comfort in that. She’s my best friend.
One is the wisest person I know. Full of life experience, broken and healed, lost and rediscovered. He too will always be there. I take comfort in that.
Then there is the one I can not write about. My thoughts too intimate, too intense to express. I lack the words, the english language does not possess the words. Unraveling us is not necessary right now. I embrace it for what it is and take comfort in it.
My thoughts do not define me. I am the person looking in at these thoughts; commenting and reflecting on them. Sometimes I go in too deep and I’m lost in them until they overwhelm me. Perspective can only be achieved when I remain outside of my thoughts. This is how I’ll trust myself again, trust myself with my feelings, dreams, happiness and most importantly, my heart. My heart deserves my utmost care and protection. It must not be given away to the first one that shows interest. I need to see the wood for the trees. Stop giving too much attention to the details and recognize what’s important in each situation. My heart is mine, and mine alone. I can’t let it be crushed and abused. It’s my biggest asset! From it flows my joy, my love, my pain and hurt.
Love yourself
The good
From the moment I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision not to be negative today. As a result, I felt no pressure to be a certain way or to do and act a way that would impress others. I was able to relax and experience the day, even if work was a little stressful, I felt an inner calm. I decided to listen to people and spoke to various colleagues. I really listened and found joy in experiencing them as people and individuals, listening to them and truly appreciating them. People can sense when you really see them, and they respond. In a good way.
There is goodness in everyone. Some are just better at repressing their goodness than others. I suppressed my negativity today and it felt good. I felt gentle and soft; feminine. Not harsh, out of control or verging on losing control of my emotions. If this is what a positive attitude can accomplish, I’m looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in a long time.
When I arrived home I struggled to hold on to the positive although I never gave in to negative. As if my friend sensed my moment of weakness from afar, he sent me the above picture. It truly made my day. I’m not the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this planet, nor do I think I’m the most amazing, but I know I’m on the right path now to unlock my potential. I will love and give unconditionally, therefore not expecting it in return. I’m starting to love myself again. Just enough; not too much and never too little again.
Lonely
Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled life – ELizabeth Gilbert Eat pray love
This quote is a revelation. I have successfully used men as scratching posts these past couple of months. Why wouldn’t I? I was out to get physical gratification, and yes, I don’t regret it. However, two men managed to use me, but not as physical scratching posts. There is definitely a clue here for some of my deeper scars, the ones I try to hide. Neither of these men physically had sex with me, but yet, they hurt me the most. One a sociopath, emotionally manipulative and incapable of love, the other a player with most likely deep seated insecurities, but yet, very good at playing the game. A sociopath is obviously much more dangerous than a player, but players can also say just the right things to entice you. Like a treat that is dangled just out of reach, he keeps you waiting for the moment he is magically going to start liking you and realize that you might be worth meeting in real life and most importantly more than just sex. I’ve had to simplify the situation for myself right down to the bare minimum. If a man is attracted to you for more than your sex, he will make a plan to meet you. Full stop. No more to say or think about or try to change.
As for the clue. How can two men I never met, hurt me so much? You would think having sex with a man who sees you as an object will make a woman feel used. However, it hit me tonight. I am very lonely and what both these men gave me, in different ways, was a means to pass the time when I’m at home and not out having emotionless sex. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to be comfortable with my own company. I’m not talking about withdrawing from people, that is a choice and normally a lot of pain and hurt is already involved. I’m talking about when you’re happy and content with being all by yourself, not knowing when you will be interacting with another person again. Not knowing if you will ever find love again, but still being happy and content. Which leads me to the next thought. I was very happy being alone for many many years. Many nights I only had my own company as my husband spent time on his phone or listening to music or just doing his own thing. I was happy and content, or was I? It took nine years for my brain to rebel. I was happy with myself, but I needed to be challenged. Unfortunately the concepts of love that I created for myself from childhood into adulthood are so misconstrued that my body went into overdrive.
Love is chemistry. The butterflies in your stomach, the feelings of being on a constant high, it’s all down to brain chemistry. Just like a heroine addict, you start to hang on to these highs. You start believing that this is love. It is scientifically proven that a man will fall in love with a woman where there is an increase of oxytocin levels in his brain, but that again is just chemistry. If you know what triggers this hormone, yes, you can manipulate a man into falling for you, but what do you achieve by doing this? Ultimately; heartache, unhappiness and hurt. Instead of focusing on love, why not focus on your emotional and intellectual needs. A man that connects with you on an emotional and intellectual level sees the real you. Not the physical you. You will get older and it will show on your face and your body, but your mind can stay as young and vibrant as you want it to be. A man that sees you for who you truly are, sees past the hurt and pain of the past and realizes that he has discovered a beautiful mind and kindred spirit. This is the kind of man you are blessed to find. This is when you realize that love pales in comparison to the soul. Wanting and craving for another’s soul, this is true love.
Like this
I wake up in the dark
It’s quiet and calm
I hear him breath
I feel his warmth
How close is too close?
I move closer to him, he sighs..
Now I can feel vulnerable
He won’t see, he won’t know
I relax in this perfect moment
I move even closer, pressing my body to his
I can love him like this
Lies
The lies we tell ourselves. These are the worst lies you can tell. When reality becomes too much to handle, we lie to ourselves. Some of us are just much better at it than others. There are of course the people that don’t even live in reality. They live a lie. Reality has become too much of a burden. Traumatic event(s) from their past make reality unbearable so lying becomes a way of life.
I always try and tell the truth, but I find myself falling in the trap of lying to myself. I therefore try to do regular reality checks. It’s not an easy exercise because reality can suck. If only I started doing this much earlier in my life. First major lie is thinking that being raped as a virgin will leave no scars or won’t affect my whole life. It did and it does. I think the root of my failed relationships with men rests in this. I’m not sure if it can be fixed. Maybe I do need therapy. How do you stop yourself from seeing all men as users and abusers. Even the ones that really loves you. Second, lying about love. I’m not sure I do know what love is. Love between a man and a woman. Love that makes you want to fight for it and save it. I’ve never had the impulse to fight for a relationship. Most of all not with the men that loved me. Something is definitely missing from my concept of love. Third, lying about what I’m worth. I feel worthless and unworthy of anyone’s time, effort or love, but in reality, I am worthy. Even as broken as I am. This is the most difficult lie I have to deal with, because it will require me to love myself. I am not selfish, in fact I will give away everything I have for someone that I believe needs it more than I do. I will help anyone with anything and I won’t even consider the impact it will have on me, bad or good. That includes helping men please themselves. I always thought these are good qualities. To give and help unconditionally. However, if you don’t truly love yourself, you are merely giving the physical to people, you are never giving or showing them your true self. Self love is my biggest obstacle, has been since the rape. And it is a fact / reality that no one will ever truly love you, until you love yourself.
I have no idea where to start. How do I fall in love with myself? Just writing it and I feel selfish, but I know it’s not. If only I could see myself through my friends’ and family’s eyes. My friends and family tell me how great I am, how loving, kind and giving I am, but it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I still have a lot to learn…
My Poem
You can…
You can desire me
I’m already wanting
You can touch me
I’m already trembling
You can kiss me
I’m already anticipating
You can caress me
I’m already gasping
You can tease me
I’m already tethering
You can take me
I’m already quivering
You can’t…
You can’t hurt me
I’m already broken
You can’t use me
I’m already abused
You can’t open me
I’m already out of reach
You can’t read me
I’m already misprinted
You can’t keep me
I’m already lost
You can’t hold me
I’m already leaving
You can’t hate me
I’m already despised
You can’t love me
I’m already gone
The Future
Change
The unknown, the uncertain, the nothing guaranteed, the challenge, the future. Imagine we knew exactly what was going to happen in our future, but because we knew, we couldn’t change it. Someone hands your parent / guardian your future when you’re born; your life certificate. Parents can see what will happen in their child’s life, they can see all the mistakes, hurt, happiness, love, good times and the day their child will die. When a child turns a certain age, they are handed a copy. Everyone knows exactly what will happen to them, but nothing can be done to change any of the outcomes on that future plan. You are stopped from intervening, changing your mind when you know you’re going to be make a bad decision or preventing your final destination; death. Maybe a good idea for a dystopian science fiction movie, but the reality is, the future is a dark realm that no light can penetrate.
What I do know from past experience is that I will not be exactly the same person tomorrow that I am today. My personality will be the same, but the way I see life and love will be different. My face will look the same, but how I feel about myself will be different. My eyes will be the same, but how I see things will be different. My ears will be the same, but how I listen when people talk to me, will be different. My mouth will be the same, but who I choose to kiss will depend on more than just a need. My skin will still cover my body, but how I let myself be touched will be different. My hands will still be there, but what I use them for will be different. My feet will still be there, but who I choose to run to, or from, will be different. My heart will beat till the day I die, but who I open it to will know what it is to be loved, even if not forever. My mind changes because I’m a female and it will always be that way, but I’m looking forward to the moments when it is well and truly made up. I can’t change my sex, but I can change with whom and why I have sex. The way I love will not change, even if I thought it had. I will always love with my whole being.
My soul will be with me always and will never change.
New Beginnings 