New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Loss

loss

We all experience loss at some stage of our lives
The loss can be sudden, or gradual; both equally distressing and profound in its effect on our life.
The death of a loved one or a pet. The end of a relationship. Relationships can end gradually resulting in days, weeks, months or even years of anxiety, confusion, unhappiness, unhealthy obsession and regret leading up to the ultimate demise of the partnership. One party in a relationship will always feel more loss than the other. This is inevitable in the relationships that are doomed to end. The reason for this is the imbalance of commitment. Only when both parties are equally committed to the relationship, will it stand a chance to last or at least bring joy and happiness to both  involved.
There always seem to be a new relationship around the corner for most, or time can heal, or rebound love or obsessing over something new, often in the form of an addiction. We eat, we drink, we smoke, we shop.
I am angry. I am angry that what I protected and cherished was taken and lost and no amount of time or begging with the powers that be, or crying, or mourning or anger can restore it.
I was saving myself for the right one and because it was taken against my will, I started giving myself away. To the boy that didn’t really care, to the boy that had no self confidence, to the man that denied his identity his whole life. To the men that have no respect for women. To the man that can’t commit. To the man that doesn’t understand his own heart. I’m easy now. I don’t value my sexuality. It  has slowly but surely devalued over time until it has become something I give away without thought or fear of the consequences. There is one I long to give myself to, truly give myself to. Will he appreciate it? Will he truly understand the passion I harbour in my body, soul, mind…
Please, please let me not give in vain anymore. Show me mercy


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When you hurt

When you hurt, you hurt alone

I’m hurting, I’m hurting.

Alone, always alone

No one can share the hurt with me
They can’t climb under my skin
Merge their thoughts with mine
Feel the ache I feel
No one can truly understand what is killing me from the inside out

Hurting is a lonely experience
Reserved for the one that’s hurting
Open myself… wide open
But it doesn’t help, it doesn’t want out
What can extract the pain?
What instrument is best for this task?
I am searching for a method
I need a hurt surgeon


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My heart

 

your heart

I have not written for a while. I almost feel guilty, I’ve let myself down. Through my writing I unravel my thoughts and myself. Picking them apart so I can clearly read and understand them.

My biggest life hurdle by far is coping with feelings and thoughts that I’m not prepared for, the ones that just ‘pops’ into my head when I least expect them. The feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling until they overwhelm me. They overwhelm, I react…bad or good, but because of all the life changing elements I have to deal with at the moment, mostly bad.

I need to rein myself back in. I give in to my feelings and I give in too easily.

There are three people in my life that have a major impact on my life. I trust them with my life and I’m not one of them.

One will always be there. Through the storms, the calm, the confusion, the clarity, she’ll be there. Forever…I find a comfort in that. She’s my best friend.

One is the wisest person I know. Full of life experience, broken and healed, lost and rediscovered. He too will always be there. I take comfort in that.

Then there is the one I can not write about. My thoughts too intimate, too intense to express. I lack the words, the english language does not possess the words. Unraveling us is not necessary right now. I embrace it for what it is and take comfort in it.

My thoughts do not define me. I am the person looking in at these thoughts; commenting and reflecting on them. Sometimes I go in too deep and I’m lost in them until they overwhelm me. Perspective can only be achieved when I remain outside of my thoughts. This is how I’ll trust myself again, trust myself with my feelings, dreams, happiness and most importantly, my heart. My heart deserves my utmost care and protection. It must not be given away to the first one that shows interest. I need to see the wood for the trees. Stop giving too much attention to the details and recognize what’s important in each situation. My heart is mine, and mine alone. I can’t let it be crushed and abused. It’s my biggest asset! From it flows my joy, my love, my pain and hurt.

 


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Love yourself

 

 

Me

The good

From the moment I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision not to be negative today. As a result, I felt no pressure to be a certain way or to do and act a way that would impress others. I was able to relax and experience the day, even if work was a little stressful, I felt an inner calm. I decided to listen to people and spoke to various colleagues. I really listened and found joy in experiencing them as people and individuals, listening to them and truly appreciating them. People can sense when you really see them, and they respond. In a good way.

There is goodness in everyone. Some are just better at repressing their goodness than others. I suppressed my negativity today and it felt good. I felt gentle and soft; feminine. Not harsh, out of control or verging on losing control of my emotions. If this is what a positive attitude can accomplish, I’m looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in a long time.

When I arrived home I struggled to hold  on to the positive although I never gave in to negative. As if my friend sensed my moment of weakness from afar, he sent me the above picture. It truly made my day. I’m not the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this planet, nor do I think I’m the most amazing, but I know I’m on the right path now to unlock my potential. I will love and give unconditionally, therefore not expecting it in return. I’m starting to love myself again. Just enough; not too much and never too little again.

 


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Continuity…or STOP

I am always a different man; a reinterpretation of the man I was yesterday, and the day before, and all the days I have lived. The past is gone, was always gone; it does not exist, except in memory, and what is memory but thought, a copy of perception, no less but no more replete with truth than any passing whim, fancy, or other agitation of the mind. And if it is actions, words, thoughts that define an individual, those definitions alter like the weather – if continuity and pattern are often discernible, so are chaos and sudden change.”
Author: K.J. Bishop

When I read the word continuity I immediately think of it in a business sense. All businesses have a continuity plan that ensures the continuation of business as usual should some extraordinary event create such chaos that business can’t continue as ‘normal’. This made me wonder, how am I doing in that regard because a number of extraordinary events in a very short space of time has led me here, where I’m sat in front of my laptop, today.  I am desperately trying to to re-connect with myself and identifying who I am and where I’m going with my life. Is the past, and re-connecting with a happier me, the key?

The thoughts

I used to be happiest on my own. I’m an only child so had many ways of entertaining myself. The only downfall is that I’m really skilled at conversing with myself. I have regular monologues and have to concentrate really hard not to talk to myself in public places. In front of close friends and family I don’t hold back. They are used to my monologues. I have however noticed that I can be pretty destructive towards myself during these.  Years of negative input has definitely taken its toll. A very good friend told me to keep a diary of the good. This is what I’m aiming to do, starting today. I want the good thoughts to come back and slowly but surely start to banish the negative thoughts.

Actions

My actions have not been very proactive the last couple of months. I used to do and create a lot of positive things, but lately my actions are impulsive and instinct driven, primal. I can’t continue giving in to my primal instincts and just breathing, eating and existing day in and day out. I need to start doing the things I love again. I’m going to draw up an action plan and stick to it. This has to stop! Now, today. If it doesn’t I’m heading for a mental breakdown and I can’t afford it. I’m stronger than all the negativity I convince myself of. Positive actions from now on!

Words

The words I speak without thinking…they hurt people. I can’t continue to hurt people with my words when I’m hurting. The worst is, I only do this with people I really care for. My best friends, my daughter, my family. I have some really bad passive aggressive tendencies and I know for a fact I never used to be like this. In fact, I was usually the person being hurt by others through their words. I was verbally bullied for five years in high school, my Mom is very good at dishing out the bad words and then there’s me. I am always telling myself off.  Words can truly make or break a person. I need to find another way to vent my anger and pent up frustrations.

Exercise is where I’ll start. Instead of sitting and moping, I’m going to start walking and hoping 🙂 Spring is almost here and that brings new life and hope. I’m going to let this spring be my new beginning, and no reversing or looking back. I’m going to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. One day at a time, one step at a time

 

 

 

 


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Conflict

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways of truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Conflict with others

I have been living an unfulfilled and unhappy life for a long time. Not just the past ten years, but way before that. On this journey of self discovery I have come to realize that I have never put my needs first in any of my relationships but also haven’t dealt correctly with the situations where my needs were not being met. You can only work on a problem once you acknowledge it. I have conflict issues. This is by far the biggest obstacle I face on the road to recovery and healthier relationships. I hate disappointing people or the idea of people not liking me. As a result I avoid conflict, even though I would easily say to people I’m a real fighter and that I will defend my views, but being argumentative is not the same as dealing with conflict in a healthy way. I have been avoiding conflict so effectively, I didn’t even know I was doing it until recently. I have a huge fear of being rejected. I convince myself that if they, especially people I love, knew what I actual needed, they will reject me. For me every situation always has a winner and a loser, but conflict management is not about achieving a victory. When someone I really care for gets upset with me, I want to run away. When I am upset, I struggle to deal with my emotions and they take over and I say and do things I feel mortified about the next day. My emotions are so out of control, I end up making statements that are so far from what my actual needs are, it’s scary. The worst thing is that I believe conflict will destroy a couple and not bring them closer together or even the closer a couple gets to each other, the less conflict there is.

Inner conflict

Inner conflict is that uncomfortable feeling that something isn’t right. I have avoided it for so long it has become a festering sore. Instead of acknowledging my needs, I have made many decisions I felt at the time was ‘the right thing to do’ or the politically correct decision. By doing this continuously I never acknowledge my own core values and beliefs. Instead I end up with volatile emotions and reactions that are unpredictable, even to myself. I have no idea how to resolve these inner conflicts, but what I do know is that without resolve, I can’t move forward on this new road of self love and discovery.

I came across a site that I found very helpful. The first recommendation is to try and separate your true desires from your required desires. Required desires are created by a fear/lack based conditioning of the mind. How long have I been living with required desires? Many times I convinced myself that I needed something which I now recognize as based in fear or feelings that I lack things in my life. In order to identify my true desires, I need to find out who I really am as a person. Who am I really?


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A Dream

How I long for you and only you. Every minute spent without you feels empty. Thoughts of you fill me with equal measures of bliss and dread. When will life draw us together instead of pulling us apart? Thoughts of you occupy my days and haunt my nights. How can I break free, stop the fall. I give you cups of hurt and teaspoons of happiness. I run and push you away. I’m sure I’m letting you in, but walls are going up again. You expose me and hide yourself. Our worlds are the same but refuse to coexist.

Run away with me. Let’s find a place we can start from scratch. A place by the sea where the wind will blow our sorrows and negative thoughts away. Where the sand will crumble under our feet like the walls around our hearts.


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Lonely

Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled life – ELizabeth Gilbert Eat pray love

This quote is a revelation. I have successfully used men as scratching posts these past couple of months. Why wouldn’t I? I was out to get physical gratification, and yes, I don’t regret it. However, two men managed to use me, but not as physical scratching posts.  There is definitely a clue here for some of my deeper scars, the ones I try to hide. Neither of these men physically had sex with me, but yet, they hurt me the most. One a sociopath, emotionally manipulative and incapable of love, the other a player with most likely deep seated insecurities, but yet, very good at playing the game.  A sociopath is obviously much more dangerous than a player, but players can also say just the right things to entice you. Like a treat that is dangled just out of reach, he keeps you waiting for the moment he is magically going to start liking you and realize that you might be worth meeting in real life and most importantly more than just sex. I’ve had to simplify the situation for myself right down to the bare minimum. If a man is attracted to you for more than your sex, he will make a plan to meet you. Full stop. No more to say or think about or try to change.

As for the clue. How can two men I never met, hurt me so much? You would think having sex with a man who sees you as an object will make a woman feel used. However, it hit me tonight. I am very lonely and what both these men gave me, in different ways, was a means to pass the time when I’m at home and not out having emotionless sex. I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to be comfortable with my own company. I’m not talking about withdrawing from people, that is a choice and normally a lot of pain and hurt is already involved. I’m talking about when you’re happy and content with being all by yourself, not knowing when you will be interacting with another person again. Not knowing if you will ever find love again, but still being happy and content. Which leads me to the next thought. I was very happy being alone for many many years. Many nights I only had my own company as my husband spent time on his phone or listening to music or just doing his own thing. I was happy and content, or was I? It took nine years for my brain to rebel. I was happy with myself, but I needed to be challenged. Unfortunately the concepts of love that I created for myself from childhood into adulthood are so misconstrued that my body went into overdrive.

Love is chemistry. The butterflies in your stomach, the feelings of being on a constant high, it’s all down to brain chemistry. Just like a heroine addict, you start to hang on to these highs. You start believing that this is love. It is scientifically proven that a man will fall in love with a woman where there is an increase of oxytocin levels in his brain, but that again is just chemistry. If you know what triggers this hormone, yes, you can manipulate a man into falling for you, but what do you achieve by doing this? Ultimately; heartache, unhappiness and hurt. Instead of focusing on love, why not focus on your emotional and intellectual needs. A man that connects with you on an emotional and intellectual level sees the real you. Not the physical you. You will get older and it will show on your face and your body, but your mind can stay as young and vibrant as you want it to be. A man that sees you for who you truly are, sees past the hurt and pain of the past and realizes that he has discovered a beautiful mind and kindred spirit. This is the kind of man you are blessed to find. This is when you realize that love pales in comparison to the soul. Wanting and craving for another’s soul, this is true love.

 

 


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Like this

I wake up in the dark
It’s quiet and calm
I hear him breath
I feel his warmth
How close is too close?
I move closer to him, he sighs..
Now I can feel vulnerable
He won’t see, he won’t know
I relax in this perfect moment
I move even closer, pressing my body to his
I can love him like this