Today I really miss my parents. I left them behind. In a crime invested country to fend for themselves in their old age.

My dad works hard. Every day. Maybe not Sundays, but every day. Physical manual labour. He will never have the luxury of retirement. He has no nest egg. Bad decisions in his life cost him that a long time ago. After he lost all his money we moved from house to house. Seven times. Seven houses. He lost everything including his pride. His only child having to support him for months. He built himself back up again, only to lose it all again. At this point I had moved half way around the globe so that I at least, could live a better, safer life in a foreign country. He needs two operations which he can not afford. I can’t help him. My hands are tied. That feeling of helplessness, I wish it on no-one. It’s the worst feeling in the world when there is nothing you can do. Nothing. The word that is so deeply entwined with my life, my name means nothing.

My mum. She is always strong. Even when everything is falling apart around her, she stays strong. She is a fighter. She refuses to give up. She doesn’t know what the word negativity means. She will never stop trying. We have a bond. We have struggled to co-exist throughout my teenage and young adult years. My gentle nature, her feisty nature. Always head to head. But when I needed her, really needed her, she was there. Fighting my corner like a lioness defending her cubs. If she read this blog she would probably give me a hiding for being so fucking weak.

These people shaped me. Their unconditional love taught me how to love and respect. I have been living away from them for 12 years now. Maybe this is why I’ve lost my way. I have lost my foundation. The one they helped me build for many many years. It started crumbling the day I got on that plane to fly away, forever. I can never go back. That life is over, but how I miss them. With every fibre in my body, I miss them so. When I cry for them, it shakes me to the core.

Is this the price I pay for abandoning the only two people that truly cares for me? I pay the price of isolation. Of losing my identity, my foundation, my principles, my values.

Who am I?

What am I?

Am I a body?

Am I a personality?

I’m not too much trouble

I’m easy to talk to

I’m the one that understands

I do, expecting nothing in return

I don’t think about what I want or need

I wake up and it’s too late

I’m invisible

I’m transparent, like the wings of a dragonfly

I am more than the sum of my parts

Meaning

I search for meaning

I struggle to pin point

The exact moment I knew

But still I know

We are attached to moments

Moments of pure bliss

Moments of agonizing torture

In the middle, the eye of the storm

Why the eye?

Can we see it coming?

Perhaps the third eye

What do I mean?

To whom do I mean?

What will be said when I’m gone

Life doesn’t stop

Time passes slowly in the present

Fast in the past

And still meaning has no time

Or does time have no meaning?

Caught in the eye

I long for the storm

I walk, I talk, I live

And yet, I’m sleeping

The real me, sleeps under a cover of darkness

My life is a dream;

short glimpses of reality

I remember my dreams

They shock me.

How can I be so different?

How can I be so selfish?

In my dreams I am self-centered

Focused on my pain, my regret

There is so much to gain from others

When I’m me I’m kind and loving

Joyful and happy

Easy to please and a pleasure to be around

But the dream takes over

It’s the face of a black dog

How many people have I pushed away?

How would they know it’s my nightmare?

Not me that they see and speak to?

I want to awake from this dream

Before life passes me by and I lose

Awake, speak the truth; be true to myself

Think before speaking

Speak with love

I want to be proud of myself

When I’m sleeping, wake me up