New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

Category Archives: Happiness


by Leave a comment

My heart

 

your heart

I have not written for a while. I almost feel guilty, I’ve let myself down. Through my writing I unravel my thoughts and myself. Picking them apart so I can clearly read and understand them.

My biggest life hurdle by far is coping with feelings and thoughts that I’m not prepared for, the ones that just ‘pops’ into my head when I least expect them. The feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling until they overwhelm me. They overwhelm, I react…bad or good, but because of all the life changing elements I have to deal with at the moment, mostly bad.

I need to rein myself back in. I give in to my feelings and I give in too easily.

There are three people in my life that have a major impact on my life. I trust them with my life and I’m not one of them.

One will always be there. Through the storms, the calm, the confusion, the clarity, she’ll be there. Forever…I find a comfort in that. She’s my best friend.

One is the wisest person I know. Full of life experience, broken and healed, lost and rediscovered. He too will always be there. I take comfort in that.

Then there is the one I can not write about. My thoughts too intimate, too intense to express. I lack the words, the english language does not possess the words. Unraveling us is not necessary right now. I embrace it for what it is and take comfort in it.

My thoughts do not define me. I am the person looking in at these thoughts; commenting and reflecting on them. Sometimes I go in too deep and I’m lost in them until they overwhelm me. Perspective can only be achieved when I remain outside of my thoughts. This is how I’ll trust myself again, trust myself with my feelings, dreams, happiness and most importantly, my heart. My heart deserves my utmost care and protection. It must not be given away to the first one that shows interest. I need to see the wood for the trees. Stop giving too much attention to the details and recognize what’s important in each situation. My heart is mine, and mine alone. I can’t let it be crushed and abused. It’s my biggest asset! From it flows my joy, my love, my pain and hurt.

 


by Leave a comment

Love yourself

 

 

Me

The good

From the moment I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision not to be negative today. As a result, I felt no pressure to be a certain way or to do and act a way that would impress others. I was able to relax and experience the day, even if work was a little stressful, I felt an inner calm. I decided to listen to people and spoke to various colleagues. I really listened and found joy in experiencing them as people and individuals, listening to them and truly appreciating them. People can sense when you really see them, and they respond. In a good way.

There is goodness in everyone. Some are just better at repressing their goodness than others. I suppressed my negativity today and it felt good. I felt gentle and soft; feminine. Not harsh, out of control or verging on losing control of my emotions. If this is what a positive attitude can accomplish, I’m looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in a long time.

When I arrived home I struggled to hold  on to the positive although I never gave in to negative. As if my friend sensed my moment of weakness from afar, he sent me the above picture. It truly made my day. I’m not the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this planet, nor do I think I’m the most amazing, but I know I’m on the right path now to unlock my potential. I will love and give unconditionally, therefore not expecting it in return. I’m starting to love myself again. Just enough; not too much and never too little again.

 


by Leave a comment

Continuity…or STOP

I am always a different man; a reinterpretation of the man I was yesterday, and the day before, and all the days I have lived. The past is gone, was always gone; it does not exist, except in memory, and what is memory but thought, a copy of perception, no less but no more replete with truth than any passing whim, fancy, or other agitation of the mind. And if it is actions, words, thoughts that define an individual, those definitions alter like the weather – if continuity and pattern are often discernible, so are chaos and sudden change.”
Author: K.J. Bishop

When I read the word continuity I immediately think of it in a business sense. All businesses have a continuity plan that ensures the continuation of business as usual should some extraordinary event create such chaos that business can’t continue as ‘normal’. This made me wonder, how am I doing in that regard because a number of extraordinary events in a very short space of time has led me here, where I’m sat in front of my laptop, today.  I am desperately trying to to re-connect with myself and identifying who I am and where I’m going with my life. Is the past, and re-connecting with a happier me, the key?

The thoughts

I used to be happiest on my own. I’m an only child so had many ways of entertaining myself. The only downfall is that I’m really skilled at conversing with myself. I have regular monologues and have to concentrate really hard not to talk to myself in public places. In front of close friends and family I don’t hold back. They are used to my monologues. I have however noticed that I can be pretty destructive towards myself during these.  Years of negative input has definitely taken its toll. A very good friend told me to keep a diary of the good. This is what I’m aiming to do, starting today. I want the good thoughts to come back and slowly but surely start to banish the negative thoughts.

Actions

My actions have not been very proactive the last couple of months. I used to do and create a lot of positive things, but lately my actions are impulsive and instinct driven, primal. I can’t continue giving in to my primal instincts and just breathing, eating and existing day in and day out. I need to start doing the things I love again. I’m going to draw up an action plan and stick to it. This has to stop! Now, today. If it doesn’t I’m heading for a mental breakdown and I can’t afford it. I’m stronger than all the negativity I convince myself of. Positive actions from now on!

Words

The words I speak without thinking…they hurt people. I can’t continue to hurt people with my words when I’m hurting. The worst is, I only do this with people I really care for. My best friends, my daughter, my family. I have some really bad passive aggressive tendencies and I know for a fact I never used to be like this. In fact, I was usually the person being hurt by others through their words. I was verbally bullied for five years in high school, my Mom is very good at dishing out the bad words and then there’s me. I am always telling myself off.  Words can truly make or break a person. I need to find another way to vent my anger and pent up frustrations.

Exercise is where I’ll start. Instead of sitting and moping, I’m going to start walking and hoping 🙂 Spring is almost here and that brings new life and hope. I’m going to let this spring be my new beginning, and no reversing or looking back. I’m going to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. One day at a time, one step at a time

 

 

 

 


by Leave a comment

Words

Words are powerful. They can make or break a person. Whispering words of wisdom can empower, encourage, uplift and help move someone forward. Choose KIND words to heal one’s spirit – Ritu Ghatourey

Words, so many words and sometimes so little. Why are we so scared of saying how we really feel or don’t feel? I tell you it is worse to not tell someone how you don’t feel than to spare their feelings and keep quiet. The absence of words is equally unkind as choosing kind words. There are those that want to remain closed, unwilling to share themselves with anyone, even the people they claim to care for. I’m an over sharer. I can’t be pretentious or keep it all in. I’ll explode. People know where they stand with me. If they don’t I was probably having a really bad day.

Having said that, I realize that I have said a lot of things to men these last couple of months that’s just not true. Yes, I lied a lot. I can therefore maybe not be too harsh on my catfish. I lied when I thought it was what the other person wanted to hear. Big error when it comes to being true to yourself. In doing so, I’ve left many men thinking I’m something that I’m absolutely not. Yes, I have physical urges, but I’m not the sex craved woman I’ve led some to believe. I wanted to please them and say the things I thought they wanted to hear. When I then suddenly wanted them to know the real me, they were left confused. It’s my own fault but lesson learned. Be kind to yourself, no matter what. Know what you want and don’t steer away from it, even if you really want that person to like you. It’s not worth it. It will only end badly. You only need the people that likes you for who you really are, in your life. Pretending to be something you’re not or liking something you don’t, will eventually become apparent. This only leaves a lot of confusion, feelings of being misled and you will only end up doubting your own needs and desires.

I have studied a lot of ‘dating’ rules and the does and don’ts of conversing with men. Don’t tell them too much, don’t tell him how you really feel until he does, don’t send him a message first, you’ll seem desperate. If he doesn’t text you, go into ‘no contact’ and even ignore him when he messages you. The list goes on and on. I don’t have the energy or time to learn these or even follow them. It’s time consuming and exhausting. I can’t be waiting for something that’s never going to happen. When it’s right, when it’s the right person for you, there are no rules. Just be yourself. If he can’t handle it, then that’s his problem. It’s not you. Everyone can’t like you, and that’s OK. The least you can do is present everyone with your true self. Don’t change for the sake of anyone. You will only make yourself unhappy and lose yourself in the process.

Here’s to stopping the bull shit and just being myself. No more playing along for his sake or trying to find, or worse, create love where there is none on offer.


by Leave a comment

The Future

Change

The unknown, the uncertain, the nothing guaranteed, the challenge, the future. Imagine we knew exactly what was going to happen in our future, but because we knew, we couldn’t change it. Someone hands your parent / guardian your future when you’re born; your life certificate. Parents can see what will happen in their child’s life, they can see all the mistakes, hurt, happiness, love, good times and the day their child will die. When a child turns a certain age, they are handed a copy. Everyone knows exactly what will happen to them, but nothing can be done to change any of the outcomes on that future plan. You are stopped from intervening, changing your mind when you know you’re going to be make a bad decision or preventing your final destination; death.  Maybe a good idea for a dystopian science fiction movie, but the reality is, the future is a dark realm that no light can penetrate.

What I do know from past experience is that I will not be exactly the same person tomorrow that I am today. My personality will be the same, but the way I see life and love will be different. My face will look the same, but how I feel about myself will be different. My eyes will be the same, but how I see things will be different. My ears will be the same, but how I listen when people talk to me, will be different. My mouth will be the same, but who I choose to kiss will depend on more than just a need. My skin will still cover my body, but how I let myself be touched will be different. My hands will still be there, but what I use them for will be different. My feet will still be there, but who I choose to run to, or from, will be different. My heart will beat till the day I die, but who I open it to will know what it is to be loved, even if not forever. My mind changes because I’m a female and it will always be that way, but I’m looking forward to the moments when it is well and truly made up. I can’t change my sex, but I can change with whom and why I have sex. The way I love will not change, even if I thought it had. I will always love with my whole being.

My soul will be with me always and will never change.

 


by Leave a comment

Hope

Never give up. Have hope. Expect only the best from life and take action to get it – Catherine Pulsifer

It’s so easy to wallow in self pity, sadness and all the injustices of the past . It’s a strangely comfortable place to be in. You have a reason to stay exactly where you are when you are in this state of mind, BUT it only gives you a false sense of security. Yes as a female I have hormonal ups and downs to contend with, but ultimately I need to get out of this state. If you’re in this state long enough, you even forget you’re in it, resulting in a mental stasis. No progress, no change.

I will not be consumed by it. It has to stop. I have to stop expecting the worst. I need to love myself again, not pity myself, not revel in my own sadness and hurt, but find my true self again. Only when you truly know yourself can you identify what it is you want or need. I tried to make a list of things that make me happy. Not what people do that makes me happy, but what I do or experience that makes me happy. It sounds selfish, but I’m trying to have a monologue, not a dialogue.

Singing

Yes, singing makes me very happy. I’m always singing or have a song in my head. I even hear songs in the words people say to me. My friends are used to this as I will sometimes start singing a song mid conversation that contains the words they just said. Most of the time I restrain myself from doing it, but with friends that know me well, I just do it :). At the moment my life is like a collection of Pink songs. I think Pink and I could be best friends if we ever met. High hopes of that happening, but never say never! Yes, music moves me and inspires me and it’s a big part of my life. From the classics to modern day monotonous beats and pretty unimaginative lyrics.

Piano

I play the piano and when I do, I go to a quiet place with no thoughts, bliss. I can leave the world behind. Harmony creating harmony. For me, playing piano is a deeply personal experience. I don’t play well in front of others, so no concert pianist hidden deep inside. I feel vulnerable when I play because it exposes my soul. I play Beethoven and Chopin when I’m melancholy, Bach when I’m happy and Clare de Lune when I’m in love or feeling loved. My favorite modern day composer is Michael Nyman. The songs from the movie ‘The Piano’ moves me and I relate to them. If only I could compose, but I’m not that talented. Happy to appreciate and play the works of the masters.

Small things

I love the outdoors and looking for the small things that we take for granted. On one of my walks mid autumn, I stopped at a poplar tree. What made me stop was the sound of the wind as it moved the leaves. It gave me goosebumps. The leaves were beautiful too. Green on one side and silver on the other creating a beautiful contrast. It made me happy to stand there for a while, closing my eyes and just listening. Nature creates it’s own music.

There is a bench on top of a small hill near my house. I like to lie on top of it and just stare into the sky. If it’s cloudy I look for shapes and faces in the clouds. One very windy day I reached the top and collapsed on the bench. It had taken a lot of energy to climb the hill that day and I needed the rest. The clouds were moving really fast and very low. It seemed like I could reach up and touch them. They touched me instead. Very small droplets of rain started pelting down, driven by the wind. The droplets on my face, the clouds speeding by, it felt amazing. I could stay there all day long and not get bored.

The seaside

I love the seaside. I think the sea is in my blood. I don’t know why, but nothing recharges my batteries and brings me more joy than the beach. Long barefoot walks on the sand or pebbles if you’re not close to a golden sandy beach. Reflexology is good for the body they say and walking barefoot on a pebbly beach is basically like walking on a reflexology board. I love rock pools. I remember catching a tiny octopus in a rock pool close to where the rocks stop and the ocean starts. It fitted in my hand, sucking onto my palm for dear life. It was a little thing of beauty. I always gently  push my finger between the little tentacles of  an anemone to feel how it grasps my finger, but it will always let go when it realizes that your finger is not the next meal. If you put your finger back in the same anemone, it doesn’t even bother grasping it again. It now knows that you are not food. If only we learned from our mistakes this quickly.

The night sky

I love to watch the sky at night. The moon enchants me and I always feel inspired by a full moon. Meteor showers are my favorite. Who doesn’t like to wish upon a star? And you get plenty of wishes when you watch a meteor shower. My family thinks I’m crazy of course as some of the best ones happen in autumn and winter. I’ve sat in my garden, wrapped up like an Eskimo, staring at the sky for hours, waiting to see the next shooting star. I’ve seen some awesome meteors and every single time I smile and almost immediately I can’t wait to see the next one. The next major shower is April – the Lyrids shower. I hope that by April I’ll have more answers than questions, so looking forward to it.

 

 

 


by Leave a comment

Happiness

What is real happiness?

This question has been plaguing me for the last couple of months. Almost all of my friends have asked me this question “What do you want?” The truth is, I don’t know. How about, I want to be happy and feel content. Will I be happy if I finally end my marriage? Or find love with another man? Or have enough sex? Or maybe my hormones are playing a mind trick on me? I read that woman in their late thirties and early forties experience the same sex drive as young 16 to 18 year old men in their sexual prime. I call it ‘The remaining egg’ syndrome.  Yes apparently my body’s need to procreate and get one of these last eggs fertilized is the reason for my sex drive. Which begs the question, will I go back to ‘normal’ in a couple of months or maybe years? I look at young couples around me and I find myself thinking, is she going to change when she gets to my age? I don’t remember this happening with my Mum…well if it did she hid it really well!

What do I want? I think we all want to love and be loved in return. Surely, everyone wants to be loved. But love really hurts too. I broke my husbands’ heart. Even though I don’t feel guilty about my actions, I feel bad for hurting him. I might not be sexually attracted to him, but he has been in my life for the past 14 years. I care for him and hurting him does hurt me. Can I really be happy knowing that I ruined another person? I know, he will not always hurt as much as he is hurting right now, but do I really have the right to make another person that committed to me feel like this?  Can I find happiness based on his unhappiness?

Does happiness always equal love though…I don’t think so, but I do think that happiness is a much more intense feeling when it is accompanied by love.