Empty house, Empty heart
Empty soul, Empty life
How to fill this void?
True and trustworthy friends
Loving and concerned family
When these no longer fill the void, what can?
Emptiness is white
It shines like a white light through my skin
Making it translucent but fragile
Where do I turn? Where do I go?
The feeling of helplessness, there is nowhere safe
No comfort to be found
No happiness around
I’m sorry my friends, my family
I am changing, I am disappearing
I am becoming nothing…
Empty
Laugh, don’t cry now
Wipe your tears and put on a smile
The world loves a smile
When my heart is breaking
When my life is changing
When you treat me like nothing
I wear my smile like a mask
It fits me perfectly
It hides the hurt
It hides the real me from the world
I have a clown in my head
His face is painted white, his lips rosy red
He has stars for eyes
When I cry, he laughs
My tears remove the paint from his face
While I sleep, he paints his face again
My clown has no name, but I do
I haven’t written for a long time…since April. So much have happened in my life. A lot of changes, a lot of battles, particularly within myself. I’ve mastered the art of smiling and being happy outwards, but inside I’m in turmoil. Every day at work I smile and laugh but inside I cry, inside I’m restless.
I have overwhelming feelings of disappearing, to leave everything and everyone I know, behind. I know this is not the answer, but oh how I wish I could. I try so hard to find something to inspire me, to keep me going, but I fail. The core of this is that I am so unhappy with myself. If happiness doesn’t originate from within, it won’t last. Nobody really knows how I feel accept one or two friends. I turn to them but I’m starting to feel guilty that I am a burden to them.
I am on medication since April to help with the dark thoughts. I don’t know if it’s really working. It did in the beginning, but now, I feel numb. Dead with no aim or purpose.
What do I do? I have no idea. Who do I turn to? I have no idea. Where am I going? I have no idea. What will become of me? I have no idea.
I know why people commit suicide now. I’m not capable of that. I love my daughter too much, but I understand. I will never judge those people again.
Who knows when I will find myself again
I have no idea who I am anymore
Days become hours, hours become long minutes
I have no hope, no love, no peace
I have broken down every stability in my life
I am once again on the roller coaster, but not life
Of the unknown, of the unattainable
My foundations rocked and broken apart
Faith once held me together, but it’s shattered now
Who am I?
I’m still learning. Life never stops teaching you lessons. What did I learn this past week?
Time waits for no man. I celebrated my birthday this week. On paper I’m 41 now, in my heart I’m 61, in my mind and spirit I’m 21.
My heart ages quicker. It’s been used so much more than the rest of me. It’s loved, it’s lost, it’s been cracked, it’s been broken. I use it every day. I don’t know any other way than selfless love and unconditional giving.
I learned that some friendships are worth fighting for, even when you are angry, sad, disappointed or confused. Some friendships you just don’t give up on. These are the ones that will last a lifetime. The connection I have with a few people can’t and will never be broken.
I learned what it feels like to be physically fulfilled. So much so that I know with every fibre of my body that I will never have that feeling of fulfilment again. To be touched in a way that I didn’t even knew I needed. To be ‘loved’ and love in return. I have this memory and I wonder if any man could live up to giving me so much pleasure, ever again.
I learned that the low after the high can easily drown you. It takes focus, lots of tears and silent screams to get back to the middle. I am getting better at dealing with the lows. This must be why life gives you these lows. You need to learn, you need to be better prepared for the next one and take it in your stride. I no longer fight these lows. I go with them. I embrace them and deal with them. I’m not afraid. I know that I won’t die. I will only get stronger.
The most important lesson I learned this week. Life has some sad sick twists in its tail for me. A friend told me, the universe can be cruel sometimes. I found out that my physical age does matter. There are certain things that are no longer an option and because of that, I can’t offer what a younger woman can and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. This is my hardest lesson, there isn’t a solution to every problem / obstacle. For a problem solver like me, this is a hard lesson. I can’t fix everything. I can’t be the right person for the person that is so right for me.
Rape
It’s dark, it’s cold
I feel his heavy breathing on my back
I can’t breath, I am suffocating
I want it to stop…please god make it stop
I’m being torn to pieces
There is nothing I can do, nothing
My mind’s a blank, my body violated
Is this real?
It stops, I lie on the ground
Move your legs, get up
I struggle home, tears running down my face
Blood and fluids running down my legs
I lost my innocence, I am no more
I let the water run over my body
It washes the evidence away
Traces of him and me disappear down the drain
I try to sleep, I can’t
I sob, I cry, I want to rewind the clock
I’m alone, I’m ashamed
I deserve this, I know it
Days go by, years go by
I keep my secret…it’s mine alone
I am alone in that place of my mind
I never share myself and truly connect
Then twenty years go by
I connect with a man, a dangerous man
It’s new, It’s exciting
He promises me the moon and stars
I open up, I tell him my secret
He pretends to care, he tells me no man will hurt me again
I believe him, I trust him
I feel better sharing my secret
My mind has been opened
Maybe this is love
No…he rapes me, emotionally rapes me
My body and soul, both raped
Nothing hurts like this
I know now you will never love me
You have known love
The love that consumes
The love that makes you want to protect
The love that makes everything seem brighter
The love that takes away the pain
The love that makes you want to be a better man
The love that makes you hurt when she is hurting
The love that sees a future with only one
The love that makes two become one
Your love for me is not this
I know now
Our love is only mine, never shared by you
And yet, you still have my love
You won’t feel it with me
You can’t see it because I’m not the one
I’m hurting but choose to stay
How long can I do this before I disappear?
Are you the last one I’ll love?
Why don’t you treat me bad
I’ve treated you so badly
I’m letting you go, but you hold on
I can’t go back
I’m changing, I’m not me anymore
Let me go, I’m a stranger now
This place we built is a ruin
I’ve put it to rest, dust to dust
It’s dead
The me I once was is dust too
I am destined to be alone
And this I choose so let me go
Why hold on to the dead
Why don’t you put me to rest
My love hurts & aches
It cuts my hands, my lips, my heart
It leaves a hole in my centre that can’t be filled
My love is wrong
I drown the ones I love, they struggle to breath
I give my all and it’s not enough
I long to be held and told I deserve to be loved
Love that washes away the pain the guilt
Why is my love so complicated?
Pure, simple love that takes away fear, this is what I need
Love that can be seen through action
Love I can feel in his arms
Love that flows freely between us
Is this love just not for me?
Pain, tears, loneliness
How long will I wait?
How long before someone sees me and can’t help but love me…
What do I do to escape when life overwhelms me. I used to cry, get angry, feel like crawling out of my skin. Basically go crazy.
Now I walk. I listen to music while I walk. If I need to let go of emotion I listen to songs that mirror the emotion. I used to steer clear of songs that would amplify the emotions I am feeling, but now I find it helps. I listen, I cry, I talk to myself and try to find a place of logic.
I walked up my favourite hill today to watch the sunset. I cried on my way to the top. I walked past a bench placed halfway up the hill for a very well known member of the community that passed away last year. I cried as I realise that there will be no bench for me from a loving husband of 30+ years. I’ve made peace with that. I’m no longer interested in getting married. Not for a third time at least. When I reached the top my tears were done and the sunset was magical. I chatted with my Mom and aunts. I cherished the view and laid down on the bench on top of the hill. I escaped. I have great expectations. I’m at peace.
New Beginnings 